Two families move from Iraq to America.



When they arrive, the fathers make each other

a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family, has

become more American, will win.



A year later, when they meet again, the first guy

says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's

for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case

of Bud for tonight's poker game. How about you?"


The second guy says, "F@ck you, Towel-Head!

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

An American touring Spain stopped at
a local restaurant following a day of
sightseeing. While sipping his sangria,
he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did itlook
good, the smell was wonderful.


He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"


The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull's ********* from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"



The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"


The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to
save you this delicacy!"


The next morning, the American returned, placed
his order, and then that evening he was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents
of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...


"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

A man on his way home from work accidently runs into a brand new expensive as hell Mercedes. He leaves a dent in the door, accidently by misjudging the closeness of the two cars, the Mercedes was parked infront of his house on the street. He decides not to tell anyone or make a big deal about it. So he leaves a note on the windshield blade. He walks inside his house and the wife ask him if anything interesting happened at work. He says no. Then he says he hit the nieghbor's new Mercedes. So the wife asks if he left a note apologizing. He says yes. The wife asks what was on the note. The husband replies.


"Buy American!"

 

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

 

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drove in and came up to the porch. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man. "I have a degree in Agriculture from Kansas State University so I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I
wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some ***** willow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you."

 

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. The shop
couldn't repair it while he waited. He said he didn't live far and would just walk home, and pick it up tomorrow.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"



The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"


The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

 

An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

Stan

 

You know you're living in 2003 when.....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your lay-off on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

..... and the real clinchers are...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
.
.

.

.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

 

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This
was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and
asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

 

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia -- making love to a dead woman.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

#1, It's none of your damn business;

#2, She was my wife; and.....

#3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

 

THE LOCAL CAR DEALER, who was known to have taken advantage of several people in the community, informed a farmer he was coming over to purchace a cow.

The farmer attached the following information to the cow so the car dealer knew what he was paying for:

Basic cow $499.95
Extra stomachs 79.25
Two-tone exterior 142.10
Produce storage compartment 126.50
Heavy-duty straw chopper 189.60
Four-spigot/high-output drain system 149.20
Automatic flyswatter 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery 179.90
Deluxe dual horns 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40
4x4 traction drive assembly 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb 69.80
Shipping and handling 35.75
Tax, license and title 306.63
Total list price $3,149.99

 

A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a makeshift campfire. To the ranger's horror, the man is eating a fish and a bald eagle.
The ranger arrests the man and puts him jail. He is brought before a judge the next morning.

The Judge asked the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

"Yes I do," replied the man, "but please let me explain what happened."

"You may proceed."

"I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive."

"Then one day, I arrive at a lake. I see a Bald Eagle swooping down to the water and flying away with a fish in its talons. I thought, 'if I startled the Eagle, maybe I could steal the fish.'"

"Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. So, I picked up a rock and threw it. I meant to hit the stump and startle the bird. I hoped he would drop the fish and fly away."

"Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off. The rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I agonized over what had happened, but I figured that since it was dead I might as well eat it."

The judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant's statement. 15 minutes pass, and the judge returns.

"Due to the extreme circumstances, and because you did not intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best way I can describe it is that its much more tender than a California Condor, but the meat is bland compared to a Spotted Owl."

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services
for an animal in the church but there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough ta donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

An Idaho woodpecker and a Washington woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Idaho woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Washington woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Idaho woodpecker was in awe.

The Washington woodpecker then challenged the Idaho woodpecker to peck a tree in Washington that was absolutely un-peckable. The Idaho woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

After flying to Washington, the Idaho woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Washington woodpecker was able to peck the Idaho tree and the Idaho woodpecker was able to peck the Washington tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you are away from home.