ROFLMAO Buckdropper

 

 

A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many
people Here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has nyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats!"

 

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, looked at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house..... and left it there all night

 

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?

They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?"

His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy, what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They become cab drivers," she replied.

 

If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," shesaid.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak
of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only
time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine
boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife
said "Now you know why they call that mustard..."Poupon.'"

 

Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an a$$hole.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America...now speak English

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a man
with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in... Come into my humble shop."


So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them,
"I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in.
They make you wild at sex like great desert camel."


Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't
need them, being the sex god he was.


The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
you into a sex freak?"


The Indian man replied, "Just try them on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally
gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent
him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!

 

A few in here we might not have seen...

She Was So Blonde That She...

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2 to 4 years.

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered C.

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said good up to 20 pounds.

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

 

Southern College Football Facts

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.

How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend ?
There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
His freshman year.

How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.

Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

 

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.

He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away!

My wife fries them up and we eat them.

They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing!

I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!!"

 

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