the "good, better and best" was sent to me from an Oakland County Sherrif.

 

Gee I hope they won't start emailing me tickets now!!!

 

A woman complained to her Doctor that her chevy drivin' husband never wanted sex
anymore. He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them in
her husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.

The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that
evening. That night they made love. The next night she put two viagra's in
his coffee and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next night she said
"What the hell!" and dumped the whole bottle in his coffee.

Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The
woman's son answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was
doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant,
my *** hurts, and Dad is buck naked in the yard yelling, "Here, kitty,

 

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says,
"Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."
He says to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband.

 

I heard that one about the Viagra. But I heard the sis got pregnant and there was no maid.

 

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up
to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was
a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a
breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a
couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've
had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

 

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: No one knows, it's never been done.

 

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh 5 pounds less than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bead. Fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny, personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds
1:00 Go out shopping with friends
3:00 Nap
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer
4:15 Light work out at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower, alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.


PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN
6:00 Alarm
6:15 *******
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast. Filet mignon, eggs, toast, and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Gold Club
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell and three Heinekens
12:15 *******
12:30 Play back nine in Augusta, finish 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1,249 pounds
5:00 Jet back home, en route get message from naked Kathy Ireland
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers. 1963 Dom Perignon. 20ounce New York
strip steak
9:00 Relax. After dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiban Cuban cigar
10:00 Have sex with two 18 years old nymphomaniacs
11:00 Massage and a Jacuzzi
11:45 Go to bed
11:50 Let loose 12 second 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep

 

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in
the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The
brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops."
As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any
cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."
"Are they close?"
"Yes."
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

 

> >A man who wanted a dog to protect his FORD dealership visited a kennel that
specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he
wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner
offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog,
snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in
mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried
to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog." "I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a
Shovie owner and he's trying to get the bad taste out of his mouth."

(Okay it was a lawyer but I adapted also)

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99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs




[This message has been edited by JD (edited 12-29-1999).]

 

Q: Did you hear about the chevy driver who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

A: She can't touch it till she's sixteen.

 

Q: Officer to chevy driver: Son, your eyes are kinda bloodshot, you been drinkin?

A: chevy driver to officer: No officer, but your eyes are kinda glazed, you been eatin' donuts?

 

ATST,

The Toilet paper one is not true. Raoul changes his 4 times a day!

JC,

Lol! I heard somethin similar on a movie with Adam Sandler...

 

Damn there's a lot of funny **** in here LOL

 

Like I said in an earlier post, just print out the whole works and you've got an instant career at the Comedy Club.

------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!