If you can start the day without caffeine...

If you can get going without pep pills...

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains...

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles...

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it...

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time...

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong...

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment...

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him...

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend...

If you can face the world without lies and deceit...

If you can conquer tension without medical help...

If you can relax without liquor...

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion or politics...

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

 

Two guys were speeding through Texas and were pulled over by a state
trooper. He pulls out his night stick and taps on the window. The guy
rolls down the window and BAM!! ...The trooper hits him in the head.

The guy screams, "What did you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Boy, don't you know you're in Texas. Next time have the
window down and your license already out!"

The trooper proceeds to write him the ticket and then walks around to the
other side and taps on the window. The second guy rolls down the window
and BAM!! ...Gets hit with the night stick. The guy screams, "What did you
do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

They guy looks confused and says, "What are you talking about?"

The trooper says, "Five miles down the road you would have said, 'I wish
that a'hole would have tried that mess on me.'"

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she bundled
him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little b*st*trds!"

 

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink
jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a
couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The
phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!

:-)))

 

As President Clinton is getting off the helicopter in front of the White
House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to
attention, salutes, and says: "NICE PIGS, SIR!"

The President replies: "I'll have you know that these are not just pigs,
these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I
got one for Chelsea."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "NICE TRADE,
SIR!"



------------------
"Moonlight Blue" 98 F150 SC XLT 2WD 4.6, 3.55 LS Tow Pkg. SUPERCHIP, K&N Airbox mod. w/ "Cool" intake, Mobil One Oil, Bosch +4's. Lund Fastback, Lighted visor, Runninng Boards, Crome Taillight covers, Polished Steel Fenderwell Moldings, Smoked Bug and Rain guards, Shelf-it, Carpet dash cover, Red Wings license plate in front, Red Wings license plate frame in back, Little Detroit Viper hanging from mirror, Oh yeah, and one "Blacked-out" grill.
Gonna get my Bed rails back on, Finally!
Couldn't find the right Polished steel design, so once I modify the powercoated ones I just bought, I will paint them.
Q: who wants my chrome ones? Price:cost of shipping or gas and maybe lunch if you live in S/E MI.
http://www.fortunecity.com/silverstone/daytona/843/

 

OH - ATST - you need a new life !!!!

Guy siti'n ata bar - Beautiful girl, parks her TRUCK ( no brand ) outside & saunters in, ( sits next to HIM, of course, or there's no reason for this) - Small talk - she says " That's a fine watch you have" He says - "Yes, and it can tell if a person is wearing underwear or not" " Really", she says," and what am I wearing" - He says " Nothing underneath" - she says - "Well thats a lot of B.S. I have a bra, slip, and panties"
He says "But my watch is an hour fast"

------------------
98 F150 S/C 4.6 2wd Vermillion/Silver,HD Tow Pkg, Boards, Vents, Bug Chaser, DIY "breezer" Tailgate, 5th whl hitch, Tool box, 16" OEM Mag's,
Mobil1 /Wix Oil filter/ K&N / air box mod.
In looks & go - Chevy - like a rock.


[This message has been edited by roadrunner (edited 12-07-1999).]

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 15 cents.
Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders
another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer
and 35 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says,
"Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the
manager and thank him."

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

 

ATST,

I liked that one!

 

MEMO:
To: My Boss
From: Blonde shovie driver
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest,
none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have
finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for
next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be
distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.

 

 

HA HA HA HA HA HA

Looks like my writing!!!!!!

 

Good:
A cop had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but wuzn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 10 yr. old boy wuz standing up the road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
Better:
A motorist wuz mailed a pic of his car speeding thru an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket wuz included. Being cute, he sent the police dep't a pic of $40. The cops responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best:
A young woman wuz pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle cop approached her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."
He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have *****." There wuz a moment of silence while she smiled & he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed the book, got back on his m/c & left. She sat there for several minutes, laughing too hard to start her car.

 

(Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)--The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause
our planet to spin dangerously fast.

(Subject: Probability Theory)--If an infinite number of
rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite
number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they
will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

 

Q: What's the approximate Square Root of 69?

A: Eight Something

 

LOL,

Where do you find these?