Raoul, I laughed my butt off!

------------------
1999 Ford F150 XLT 4x2, Cloth Seats, Amazon green, 16" All season tires, Soft Tonneau Cover, CD Player, 4.6 liter Triton V8, 3:55 ls, towing package, 4 speed auto, K&N Airfilter
Future Mods:
1)Superchip
2)Airbox Mod
3)Flowmaster Exhaust

Fast46Triton

The Terminator!

 

Shovie Dealer Advertising/Marketing Keywords

NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

------------------
Mike Boardman '99 F150XLT 4X4 RC,FS,4.6,5spd,3.55LS,ORP,
Towing pkg,K&N GenII FIPK,FLowMaster,SnugLid,Luverne Nerf bars,
bug shield, DK Toreador Red.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Some of my favorite Bumper Stickers........

Jesus loves you, but I think your an a@#hole!
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Hang Up And Drive!
This car is not abandoned!(for shovie owners only)
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
My wife's other car is a broom.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a**.
If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.
I just want revenge. Is that so bad?


------------------
Mike Boardman '99 F150XLT 4X4 RC,FS,4.6,5spd,3.55LS,ORP,
Towing pkg,K&N GenII FIPK,FLowMaster,SnugLid,Luverne Nerf bars,
bug shield, DK Toreador Red.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Hey Andthensometoo and Boardman, here's some more bumperstickers:
__________

If that phone was up your a#s, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing!

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and get counseling.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point. (Comes with picture of Monica)

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings"

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a@s!


------------------
1998 XL SC short-box 4.2 5-speed 3.55LS, Pacific Green, A/C, factory box liner, factory dark tinted rear glass (like the XLT), cassette, carpet, Canadian XLS package (split bench, chrome wheels, side mouldings, box light, tailgate lock), sill guards, Windstar (driver's) wiper blade (the one with the air scoop). Oh ya: snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

 

A Chevy driver, a Dodge driver and and a Ford driver were in a bar discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife twice," boasted the Chevy driver. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," the Dodge driver responded "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Ford driver remained silent, the Chevy driver smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." The Ford driver replied.
"Only once?" the Chevy driver arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

------------------
1998 XL SC short-box 4.2 5-speed 3.55LS, Pacific Green, A/C, factory box liner, factory dark tinted rear glass (like the XLT), cassette, carpet, Canadian XLS package (split bench, chrome wheels, side mouldings, box light, tailgate lock), sill guards, Windstar (driver's) wiper blade (the one with the air scoop). Oh ya: snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

 

I like it Shifter, actually reminded me of one very similar...

Same three guys are sitting in a bar.

The Dodge owner says, "I make love to my wife 5 times a week."

The Ford owner says, "Well I make love to my wife 5 times a night." (you know us Ford owners...)

The Chevy owner smiles and says, "I make love to my wife once a year."

"Wait a minute." The Ford owner says. "You only make love to your wife once each year? And you're happy about this?"

The Chevy owner grins and says, "Tonight's the night!"

Jim

------------------
'99 F-250 LD 5.4L SC XLT 2WD in White/Silver (w/ EVERYTHING 'cept leather and engine block heater) -- added: SnugTop Hi-Liner & carpet kit, Donnelly mirror, K&N filter, SuperWhite 9007 bulbs, IAS shocks, more to come... (Airbox mod per "ezyonthegas", Westin side bars, and cat-back exhaust are next)

[This message has been edited by JHerron (edited 07-17-1999).]

 

One more bumper sticker, seen at a local car show:
ashes to ashes
dust to dust
if it weren't for chevy's
my tools would rust!
Jeff

------------------
1999 F150 Lariat
Reg cab Short box Styleside
5.4L 3.55ls
Deep Wedgwood Blue/Silver
Lund Interceptor hood shield, VentVisors, Class III hitch, Ford molded mud guards, soft tonneau, window tinting on the 27th

 

Here's one for us guy truckers (sorry, Tina), the ones who have "wimmen" troubles. There are rules to help women understand us:

25 RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW

1.If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ever ask us!
2.Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down. If it's down, we'll put it up first.
3.Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4.Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Deal with it.
5.Get rid of your cat.
6.Sunday = Sports.
7.Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8.Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their ***** looked at.
9.You have too many shoes. And too many purses.
10.Crying is blackmail.
11.Ask for what you want. Subtle hints usually don't work.
12.Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13.Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15.A headache that lasts for 3 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16.Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago we've probably forgotten and, hence, is inadmissible in an argument.
18.If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19.If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant it the other way.
20.If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22.You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23.Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24.If you want us to keep the house clean, no fair trashing the truck or van.
25.Nothing says "I love you" like SEX.


------------------
1998 XL SC short-box 4.2 5-speed 3.55LS, Pacific Green, A/C, factory box liner, factory dark tinted rear glass (like the XLT), cassette, carpet, Canadian XLS package (split bench, chrome wheels, side mouldings, box light, tailgate lock), sill guards, Windstar (driver's) wiper blade (the one with the air scoop). Oh ya: snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

 

O.K. one for the ladies:
How Men and dogs are the same
Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Both have an inordinate fascination with womens crotches
Neither does dishes
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both have an excessive interest in truck tires
Both are suspicous of the postman
Neither knows how(nor wants to) to talk on the telephone
Neither understands what you see in cats

How dogs are better than men:
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong
Dogs KNOW when they've done something wrong
Dogs don't criticize your friends
Dogs don't brag about previous realationships
Dogs admit when they're jealous
Dogs mean it when they kiss you
Dogs are satisfied with a belly rub
Dogs are grateful when you throw the frisbee and don't laught at how you do it
Dogs don't feel threatened by a womens intelligence
You can train a dog
Dogs don't conplain about the amount of money spent on clothes
Good looking dogs don't know they're good looking
The worst social disease you can get from them is fleas
O.K. the REALLY worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there is a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one who gave it to you
You can train a dog not to make a mess in the house
Dogs understand what NO means
Dogs understand if some of their friends can not come inside
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner
Dogs do not critisize your driving
Dogs admit it when they're lost
Dogs aren't threatened if you make more money than they do
Dogs are one of the last forms of uncondtional love left in the world
You can neuter dogs legally

Where dogs fall short:
Men only have two feet that track in mud
Men can buy you presants
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them for a walk-just don't let them see another man (or scantily clad women) with their hood up in the driveway
Men don't shed as much
And the number one reason why dogs fall short: IT'S FUN TO DRY OFF A WET MAN!

 

A sharp Ford driver applied for a sales position in a big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area and you could get anything there.
The Boss asked him "have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the counry," said the Ford driver
The Boss liked him, and said "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
Well the day was long and arduous for the Ford driver, but finally 6 o'clock came around. The Boss arrived and asked, "So how many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the Ford driver
"Only one?" blurted the Boss, "Most of my staff make over 20 or 30 sales a day. "By the way, how much was the sale?"
"Forty-nine thousand three hundred and fifty four dollars" said the Ford driver.
"WHAT?! how did you manage that?"
"Well this man came in and I sold him a package of small fishing hooks, then a pakage of medium fishing hooks, and finally a package of really large fishing hooks. Then I sold him some small fishing line, some medium fishing line, and some really heavy-duty line. Then I sold him a light weight fishing rod, a medium fishing rod, and a heavy-duty fishing rod. I asked him where he was thinking of going fishing and he told me just down the coastline a ways. So I said that he'd probably be needing a boat, and I took him down to the boat dept. and I sold him that twenty-five foot fishing boat with the twin engines. Then he indicated that his chevy probably wouldn't be able to pull his new boat, so I took him to the automotive dept. and sold him a new Ford 5.4 4x4 ect. to pull it with!"
The Boss took two steps back and looked at him in astonishment "You sold all that to a guy who came in to buy fishing hooks?"
"Well,... not exactly!", answered the Ford driver. "You see, actually, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "You know, YOUR weekends probably shot, you may as well just go fishing!"

 

This is from the ford-trucks mailing list:

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a
car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a
piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man
driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces
of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all
the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he
says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet truck, Dad. You'll have
to live with it!"

 

What do you call a person with half a brain?
A shovie driver

What is gross stupidity?
144 shovie drivers in one room

What does a shovie driver consider a seven course meal?
A hotdog and a six pack

I LOVE MY TRUCK BECAUSE:
My Truck doesn't care how many Trucks I've driven in the past
My Truck will never grow a spare tire
Trucks don't have relatives
My Truck doesn't care what I'm wearing
My Truck doesn't care what other Trucks' people are wearing
I can drive it whenever I want and turn it off and put it away when I'm done with it
My Truck doesn't mind if I have a poster of "the Truck of my dreams" in my bedroom

In a "perfect" world, whenever a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer would actually reduce your fine as in:
COP: Do you know how fast you were going?
YOU: All I know is I was spilling beer all over the place.
COP: Nice one thats $10 off.


[This message has been edited by Andthensometoo (edited 07-29-1999).]

 

A drunk Chevy driver stumbles into a bar with the intent of getting even more sloshed. As he's polishing off his third drink at the bar, he notices a VERY large woman seated at the end of the bar. As she sees him looking at her, she enthusiastically sticks her arm up and waves to him -- and to the horror of all, she also shows off a large clump of underarm hair.

The drunk Chevy driver says, "Bartender, buy that little ballerina a beer!" The bartender raises an eybrow, but he takes a beer to the woman.

A little while later she catches him looking at her again, and waves to him again -- armhair and all.

The driver says, "Barkeep, get that little ballerina another beer!!!" Dumbfounded, the bartender takes another beer over to the woman.

After a little while the beer catches up to the woman and she heads for the ladies room. The bartender goes over to the man and asks, "Why are you buying beers for this woman, do you know her?"

The drunk Chevy driver replies, "Any woman that can lift her leg that high deserves a drink!!"

------------------
'99 F-250 LD 5.4L SC XLT 2WD in White/Silver (w/ EVERYTHING 'cept leather and engine block heater) -- added: SnugTop Hi-Liner & carpet kit, Donnelly electrochromatic/compass mirror, K&N filter, SuperWhite 9007 bulbs, IAS shocks, 3" Induction Airbox Mod, more to come... (Westin side bars, cat-back exhaust, electric fan, and Superchip are next)

 

JHERRON, LMAO!!! Also slightly Nauseous..
College entrance exam for Shovie owners:
Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law
and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

Bush: __________________________
Carter: __________________________
Clinton: __________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy's
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.

Signed _______________________

------------------
Mike Boardman '99 F150XLT 4X4 RC,FS,4.6,5spd,3.55LS,ORP,
Towing pkg,K&N GenII FIPK,FLowMaster,SnugLid,Luverne Nerf bars,
bug shield, DK Toreador Red.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Confucious Says: Man born in backseat of truck(?) with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless jerk