One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair,
he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"


The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"


"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"





"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"


The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."





"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"


"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all
over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer,
no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"


"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"





The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."


"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack,
roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow.





You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!


You don't mean..."


"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want,
you're dead, who cares!"


"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
"I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"



The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."


"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

 

A little truth to this..............................??

A husband shopping center has just opened where a woman may go to choose a
husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the
men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, ....... however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor,
but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the
building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first > > floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my
last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself
, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT,
there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help
with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But
just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth
floor she goes.

The! sixth floor sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.

 

A man entered a bus, both of his front pockets full of golf *****, and sat down next to of all people, you guessed it, a blonde..

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf *****."

The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked: "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I
buy."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."

"Why?" said his father.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday. I think he wants to buy Mom

 

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright.

How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.

 

Plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the ****pit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde,whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to
her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston!"

 

Two farmers meet up in a bar. One from WI the other from TX...

WI: Back home I got a 40 acre spread!
TX: Aw, heck you ain't got nothin' - why my spread in Texas is so big that I get in by Pickup in the morning and I don't get to the other side of my ranch until the sun goes down!
WI: Yea, I used to have a pickup truck like that....

 

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
Sex with a Ford Driver = Fordgasms
Sex with a chevy driver = You're kidding right?

 

Sex in a sleazy crime flick = Noirgasms
Sex while showcasinging various talents = Repertoirgasms
Sex with FDRs wife = Elenorgasms
Sex with a fossil = Dinasaurgasms
Sex with a second year student = Sophomorgasms
Sex that really rips = Toregasms

 

Does a 1953 chevy pickup count

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

Heeheehee, good one.

Damn Kearny boy is still crackin wise.

 

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,



"Why back in so early? What's wrong?



"I was stung by a bee."



"Where?" he asked.



"Between the first and second hole" she replied.



He nodded knowingly and said,



"Then your stance is too wide".

 

This went right over my head at first until I read it again.....

An 80-year old guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor
is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such
good shape. I'm up well before daylight."

"Well," ways the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got
to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your
dad's still alive? How old is he?"

"He's 100 yrs old," says the old golfer. "In fact, he golfed
with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's
more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Just how old is he anyway?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point and says, "So, I
guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor can hardly believe it. "Got married! Why in the hell
would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?" (like shotgun wedding )

 

She married and had 13 children.
Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 children.
Again, her husband died.
But, she re-married and this time she had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her,
he thanked The Lord for this loving woman and said,
" Lord they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."