Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of
goatsmilk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."

"Here's my second son. He's a martyr too!"

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wi****lly says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my ***** are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Stan

 

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
staring at a portrait that had them completly confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink *****. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink *****
also reflects the cultural and soiciological oppression experienced by men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said: "Would you like to know what the paiinting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish
coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line.Here's what happened to Buford....

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address,medical medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he hadl. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight,complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood
pressure test an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" Buford said,
"Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

 

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big, scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one". The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, b@tch!"

 

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife, Carolyn, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Wally's life of
celibacy.

 

1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid.. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly... My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up! What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know... but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother

 

Man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

 

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"

 

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I
have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother
me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a
matter of fact, I passed gas at least 20 times since I've
been here in your office. You didn't know I was doing it
because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these
pills three times a day for seven days and come back to
see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I
don't know what you gave me, but now my gas ... although
still silent ... it stinks terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

 

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
took it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her
boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk."What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."

 

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I
don't know what to think of all those women up there in the
c@ckpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer
call it the c@ckpit. Now it's the box office."!!!

 

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f@cking business."

 

The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men c@cky and the women lay better.