Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
A woman's view...
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb..
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
_____________________
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
To kill my husband." I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes the photo and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
__________________
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb..
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
_____________________
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
To kill my husband." I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes the photo and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
__________________
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,921
Likes: 0
From: Susquehanna Valley, pa.
Wounded American A wounded American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "How I wish I could kiss the American flag if I am going to die!" Nurse, extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism: "Actually, I have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss my ***, if you don't mind it." Soldier: "Of course I wouldn't mind it. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish as a patriot American." The nurse took off her panties and the soldier kissed the flag. Soldier: "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my
anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go f@ck herself.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my
anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go f@ck herself.
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Oil shortage????????????????
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil levels. We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. The oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas. All of our dipsticks are located in Washington DC.
The reason for that is purely geographical. The oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas. All of our dipsticks are located in Washington DC.
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 217
Likes: 0
From: Cheyenne, WY
Originally posted by Shifter
Andthensometwo: Great bumper stickers. I want that one that says "Horn broken. Watch for finger".
Boardman: That was great! Dummy sucking the finger must have been a Bowtie Boy. Here's another one featuring the bar and the babe named Lisa. If you haven't heard it before, I guarantee you will be running the punch line through your head and laughing out loud all day long:
_______
A man gets out of his truck (had to make this a truck joke, right?) and walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer. Looking around the bar, he sees a woman sitting in a booth by herself reading a book. He asks the bartender when he gets his beer, "What's with her over there?" The bartender replies, "I don't know. She came in here, ordered that drink and she's been reading her book ever since."
The man thinks to himself that she looks VERY fine and saunters over to the booth, sits across the table from the woman and says, "Hello, what are you reading?" "I'm reading this book about sex facts," she says. "Oh. That's interesting...Like what?" he asks. "For example, it says here that black men having the biggest penises - that's a myth. Really, Native Americans have the biggest penises,"_she replies. "Another myth is that the French are the best lovers. It's really the Latin men who are the best lovers."
"Interesting," he says. "By the way, what's your name?" "Lisa," she replies. "What's yours?" A quick thinker, the man replies:
"Tonto Rodriguez"
------------------
1998 XL SC short-box 4.2 5-speed 3.55LS Pacific Green, A/C, Factory Dark Tinted Glass (like the XLT), Cassette, Carpet, Canadian XLS package (split bench, chrome wheels, side mouldings, box light, tailgate lock). My wife loves to drive it!
Andthensometwo: Great bumper stickers. I want that one that says "Horn broken. Watch for finger".
Boardman: That was great! Dummy sucking the finger must have been a Bowtie Boy. Here's another one featuring the bar and the babe named Lisa. If you haven't heard it before, I guarantee you will be running the punch line through your head and laughing out loud all day long:
_______
A man gets out of his truck (had to make this a truck joke, right?) and walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer. Looking around the bar, he sees a woman sitting in a booth by herself reading a book. He asks the bartender when he gets his beer, "What's with her over there?" The bartender replies, "I don't know. She came in here, ordered that drink and she's been reading her book ever since."
The man thinks to himself that she looks VERY fine and saunters over to the booth, sits across the table from the woman and says, "Hello, what are you reading?" "I'm reading this book about sex facts," she says. "Oh. That's interesting...Like what?" he asks. "For example, it says here that black men having the biggest penises - that's a myth. Really, Native Americans have the biggest penises,"_she replies. "Another myth is that the French are the best lovers. It's really the Latin men who are the best lovers."
"Interesting," he says. "By the way, what's your name?" "Lisa," she replies. "What's yours?" A quick thinker, the man replies:
"Tonto Rodriguez"
------------------
1998 XL SC short-box 4.2 5-speed 3.55LS Pacific Green, A/C, Factory Dark Tinted Glass (like the XLT), Cassette, Carpet, Canadian XLS package (split bench, chrome wheels, side mouldings, box light, tailgate lock). My wife loves to drive it!
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,921
Likes: 0
From: Susquehanna Valley, pa.
Little David was in 4th grade when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up
- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him
about his father.
David's reply was this: "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay
cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put
money in his underwear. Sometimes if the offer is really good he goes
home with some guy and they do stuff that I'm not supposed to know
about."
The teacher obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on another project while she took little David aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "he works for the Democrat National Committee to
elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
other kids..."
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up
- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him
about his father.
David's reply was this: "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay
cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put
money in his underwear. Sometimes if the offer is really good he goes
home with some guy and they do stuff that I'm not supposed to know
about."
The teacher obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on another project while she took little David aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "he works for the Democrat National Committee to
elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
other kids..."
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,921
Likes: 0
From: Susquehanna Valley, pa.
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Illinois mouse,
killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other
about how much tougher they are.
The Wisconsin mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass
onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap,
I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty
times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one
after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Wisconsin
mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as
I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee
each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the Texas mouse.
The Texas mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a
long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bull****".
"Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other
about how much tougher they are.
The Wisconsin mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass
onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap,
I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty
times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one
after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Wisconsin
mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as
I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee
each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the Texas mouse.
The Texas mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a
long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bull****".
"Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
ITALIAN WISDOM
As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying he called his grandson to
his bed.
"Grandson", I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my
chrome plated 38 revolver, so you will always remember me.
"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa.
How about leaving me your Gold Rolex Watch instead?"
"You lisinna to me," responded the Don.. "Somma day you goina
be runna da bussiness.. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini."
"Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta do you goina do then? Point to your watch and say, "Times up"?
his bed.
"Grandson", I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my
chrome plated 38 revolver, so you will always remember me.
"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa.
How about leaving me your Gold Rolex Watch instead?"
"You lisinna to me," responded the Don.. "Somma day you goina
be runna da bussiness.. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini."
"Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta do you goina do then? Point to your watch and say, "Times up"?
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
This is a story about a popular young Detroit Baptist preacher
who, one Sunday morning, announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Leroy, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and
announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year--and his lovely wife with a minivan to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs and applauds.
Maurice, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If
the preacher stays, I'll double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher
stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Mrs.Ella May,
whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could
help, and he said......."Screw him!"
who, one Sunday morning, announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Leroy, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and
announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year--and his lovely wife with a minivan to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs and applauds.
Maurice, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If
the preacher stays, I'll double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher
stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Mrs.Ella May,
whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could
help, and he said......."Screw him!"
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
He will recover from his injuries...
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
He will recover from his injuries...
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:
Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul her *** to jail."
Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul her *** to jail."
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Liquid Viagra
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "****tails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "****tails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"