A friend liked one I read here so he send this to the group through me...hope they give you a smile....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>> A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
>> >> note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman
>read
>> >> the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably
>> >> meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The
>> >> blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
>> >> leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said,
>> >> "I need to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The
>> >> milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No,
>just up to my *****, I can splash it in my eyes."

>> >> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
>> >> died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
>> >> smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the
>> >> carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
>> >>
>> >> SPEEDING TICKET
>> >>
>> >> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
>if
>> >> he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
>> >> would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
>> >> and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
>> >>
>> >> KNITTING
>> >> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
>> >> freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
>> >> behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
>> >> flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
>> >> on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back,
>> >> "IT'S A SCARF!"
>> >> BLONDE ON THE SUN
>> >>
>> >> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
>> >> said, "we were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
>> >> first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
>> >> first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other
>> >> and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
>> >> burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
>> >> stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
>> >>
>> >> IN A VACUUM
>> >>
>> >> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
>> >> rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. The question was,
>> >> "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
>> >> it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
>> >>
>> >> FINAL EXAM
>> >>
>> >> The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
>> >> of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination
>> >> hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit
>> >> of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing
>> >> the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for
>> >> Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the
>> >> class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is
>seen
>> >> desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator,
>> >> alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the
>exam
>> >> in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
>> >>
>> >> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>> >>
>> >> A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
>and
>> >> asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
>> >> one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
>> >> heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOooo," answered the
>> >> blond. "They're watch dogs!"

 

Sister Mary Catherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary C. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Catherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Catherine! And, she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Catherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Catherine didn't miss a beat.

She replied, "And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna sh@t."

 

WoW! Over 20,000 views!!!


A guy walks into a pub and sees the sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the
one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a
cheeseburger....

 

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything".

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband," remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone".

"No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. "Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone".

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it.

Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back".

He goes back into the bathroom comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!"

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.

This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!"

 

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........


" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

 

Ok Judy sent us this one...Just shows how fast the police can move with the right words said to them !!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to turn
off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing items.
He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?"
George said "no". The officer then said that all patrols were busy, and
that he should simply stay in his house; lock his doors and an officer
would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because
I've just shot them all", and hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. The officer said
to George: "I thought you said you shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

Ok as this thread has slowed down like a Chevy...Jeff Rice a 1937 Studebaker truck owner sent the Stude list these jokes...I thought you all may like them here...

General
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.


Entertaining In Your Home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners
are.

Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.

Dating (Outside The Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom
wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
grade school on time.


Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


Weddings
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux.
A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a
tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.


Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and
the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop,
the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

Ok I still don't see any action here...Well you need a laugh and again Jeff has sent a good one to the stude group list and I took it to share with your here...

First, Second, Third..........

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold
them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the
darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick
up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it
or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin
to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!

 

Well still no action here...Must be a long weekend here....

See how this warning to young guys will save a life...maybe there own even...

8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
by: W. Bruce Cameron


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate:
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you
on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes are better.

 

REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

 

C - cracked
H - head
E - every
V - valve
R - rattles
O - oil
L - leaks
E - every
T - time

 

Ok its a wild rainy windy day here in my City...Just lost my nice cherry tree and part of the fence...So...A friend just send us something very funny and I figured to let you all read it and enjoy it as well....

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family)
answered, Thou shall not kill."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
sttrands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray. "Take only ONE. God
is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want. God is watching the apples.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it
made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

 

Ok here's one from England.

A trucker and his mate walk into a bar. The trucker goes up to the bar and say's "A whisky soda for me and give the donkey a beer!" pointing to his mate. The barman is a bit taken back, but gives the guy the drinks. Some time later, the trucker says, "Whisky soda for me and give the donkey a beer" pointing to his mate. The barman is starting to get angry at this time, but doesn't say anything. This goes on all night and the barman is fuming. Finally, the trucker goes to the toilet, so the barman walks over to the mate, and says, "How can you take all those insults, why does he call you donkey?" His mate replies " He aw.. he aw.. he aw.. he always calls me that!"

 

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first.

 

Subject: Q&A


Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here."

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go
They take your house and car with them.