A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming"

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid, look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

 

^LOL! great one!

 

A professor is sent to Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.

One day the youngest and prettiest wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.

The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and my youngest wife has given birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replies, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief is silent for a moment, and then says: "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby."

 

(.GIF file, give it a few seconds to load and play)

 

A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to
borrow the breeding fee from the bank.

The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later
to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't
even look at the cows

The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian,
and that he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull
has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has even
serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker. "What did the Vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replies the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asks the banker.

"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort
of taste like peppermint."

 

Buttercups
>
> Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
>found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in
>play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
>All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
>appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
>make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
>butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have
>any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact,
>you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! " Then
>POOF!......she was gone!
>After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
>"Fred, where are you?"
>Fred yells back "I'm over here in the p#ssy willows."
>Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!!!"

 

Subject: WARNING,THIS IS NOT POLITCALLY CORRECT, MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a curious lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down and finds that the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, "I don't get it. I can
understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

 

I haven't read through all 63 pages yet so I hope this isn't a repeat! It's funny anyhow...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

 

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the sh@t out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the sh@t out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

 

(.GIF file, give it a few seconds to load and play)

 

A 66-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 66-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over.

Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

"An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

No," I replied.

Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out . I D 1 0 T

I used to like Bob.

 

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half

wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well

developed and open to trade, especially for someone

with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and

convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently

aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with

a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost

the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide

and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious

past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.



GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a ****.

 

Four Catholic Mothers were having coffee together discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone call him "Father"."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well my son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace"."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence"."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6'2," hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room all the women say, "Oh, my God!"."