A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on." "Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" the doctor asks.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeds to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them. 'The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Do you like women, by any chance?" he asked. Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied "Well, yes, I do actually. Why do you ask?" "Well, the doctor says, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

 

Yesterday, a scientist for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presense of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned

 

A Good English Joke
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly
adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

 

A full grown alligator was teaching a baby alligator how to hunt. A man wearing a Ford hat was on the lakes shore fishing and the adult gator said watch this son, you swim to shore scare the crap out of him then eat them. Then the two gators saw a guy with a Chevy hat on at the shore, and the adult gator explained these are a little different because if you scare the crap out of these all you get to eat are smelly boots and a funny hat.

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99 F150 XLT Supercab Towing Package 5.4L Auto Two Tone Med Toreador Red/ Silver Power windows, locks, mirrors, driver's seat. Cruise, tilt wheel Alloys, Michelins, ARE topper Superchip / 2000 Chevy Silverado Ext cab 5.3, auto, Tow package, tilt, cruise, power windows,locks,side mirrors, alloy wheels.

 

A judge was questioning a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

”No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” ”It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

”I mean,” he continued, “What are your
relations like?” ”I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” ”No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

”Please,” he tried again, “is there any
infidelity in your marriage?” ”Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

”Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you
up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a
week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

”Oh, it's my husband's fault that I want a divorse,"she replied. ”I just can't communicate with him.”


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Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school varsity chess team, I decided it would be a good idea to give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my initial enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!) Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines she took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching before I began from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air... then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too, but I was too busy trying to block the annoying screech of her voice to listen.

THURSDAY:
Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my shoes.) Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine ... which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe BITCH.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would threaten her with it. Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a tissue. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and PE teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and therefore watched eleven straight hours of Speedvision. Now I'm happy. I quit!


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Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They sat the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly
about cattle prices.

Suddenly, a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress, and the cowboys turns to look at her.

"Kin yah swaller?" asks one of the Cowboys. The woman shakes her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to the point that with a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a pull on his beer. His partner says, "Yah know, I heard o' that there hind lick' maneuver, but I 'ain't never seen nobody do it."


[This message has been edited by Fordman99 (edited 02-09-2000).]

[This message has been edited by Fordman99 (edited 02-09-2000).]

 

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini and sunglasses came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blond passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning Father, good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them. (They were glad they were wearing sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady". "Yes?" she replied. "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?"

Lifting her sunglasses, she replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela."


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Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

Grandma bought a bumper sticker for her old Buick. She writes:

Dear Family,

The other day I went to the local Christian Book Store where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad that I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of folks who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started honking like crazy! He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could! It was like a football game, with him shouting "Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"
Everyone else was soon honking as well, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people! There was some guy from Florida because I could hear him yelling about a "sunny beach" and I saw him wave at me in a peculiar way--sticking his middle finger up in the air. Luckily, I had just asked my two Grandsons what such a gesture meant, and they had looked at each other and giggled, and told me it was a Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and returned the gesture.

A couple people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they actually got out of their cars and began to walk toward me! I assumed they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed green, so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only one to make it through the intersection before it turned back to red.

Not wanting the experience to end, I looked back and seeing all those good folks standing around, I leaned out the window and with a wide smile, held up the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign as I sped away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.

Love you all,

Grandma

 

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

LOL! We need our own JOKES AND STUFF forum!

 

Fast is right...this has been great!!

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2000 F-150 XLT, 4x2, 5.4L Supercab, Styleside, Black with silver two-tone, 3.55, class III towing package with heavy duty cooling package, 4 wheel disk ABS, overhead console, sliding rear window, keyless entry, dark graphite interior, in dash CD, Pendaliner bedliner, K&N air filter, rubberized undercoating, cabin filtration system, Bugflector II, 5W-30 Mobil 1, engine build 10/4/99

 

A chevy lover died a tragic & sudden death. His wife was taking care of the funeral arrangements, when the funeral director said that an announcement in the paper was appropriate at this time. The funeral home had an arrangement with the local paper for a discounted price, and she should think what she wanted to say about him. The deal with the paper was that the first five words were free.
The next day, the wife returned, happy she had completed another grim task.

her ad read: "Chevylover died. Pickup for sale"

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'97 S/C XLS black/silver 157" WB, 4.6/auto, 3:08, home made custom tube grille, terminator muffler, phantom sweep wiper switch(factory installed), a few billet aluminum goodies (the list grows), airbox mods, TPS tuned
email: bazils@hotmail.com

 

Male or Female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically
designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described,
would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked,
"What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer
should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their
internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in
long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"