Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
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Senior Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 692
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From: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
It should be open by the time HE brings it to you.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
So in that case you losers should LOVE the laundromat, since her lack of washing machine could mean she has made a poor decision in choosing a mate, and most likely YOU will have a chance to be her next loser boyfreind.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. (Ooooooo!!)
It ALSO helps to keep them from getting stepped on by you clods!
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me . . .”
OK if everything a man says is smart then what about Vice President Dan Quayle?
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can’t stop talking long enough to build up the required pressure.
I guess any excuse will do for you guys!
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
OK then I am telling you, it IS! signed Always Andthensometoo
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
Us women know how to interupt a man, we simply say 'we don't get it' so you guys will stop talking
What do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her intelligence? Divorced. (Where are you ATST!)
THAT kind of intelleigence, I can do without! and have, in fact. I bought my F150 without a man.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 per cent. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Wedding cake has also been known to make men over wieght and under active around the house.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffer Ring.
yep
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!” (Okay. That's it. This demands a response from the ladies.)
then dust it, or I could... but then I might be too tired for 'you-know'
It should be open by the time HE brings it to you.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
So in that case you losers should LOVE the laundromat, since her lack of washing machine could mean she has made a poor decision in choosing a mate, and most likely YOU will have a chance to be her next loser boyfreind.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. (Ooooooo!!)
It ALSO helps to keep them from getting stepped on by you clods!
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me . . .”
OK if everything a man says is smart then what about Vice President Dan Quayle?
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can’t stop talking long enough to build up the required pressure.
I guess any excuse will do for you guys!
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
OK then I am telling you, it IS! signed Always Andthensometoo
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
Us women know how to interupt a man, we simply say 'we don't get it' so you guys will stop talking
What do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her intelligence? Divorced. (Where are you ATST!)
THAT kind of intelleigence, I can do without! and have, in fact. I bought my F150 without a man.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 per cent. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Wedding cake has also been known to make men over wieght and under active around the house.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffer Ring.
yep
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!” (Okay. That's it. This demands a response from the ladies.)
then dust it, or I could... but then I might be too tired for 'you-know'
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Joined: Sep 1999
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From: Canada's TROPICAL paradise
Two lawyers walking along a street - spot a real good lookin lady across the road.
First lawyer says to other " Boy I'd really like to screw her"
Other says - " Oh yeah - out of what?"
First lawyer says to other " Boy I'd really like to screw her"
Other says - " Oh yeah - out of what?"
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
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From: Near Ottawa, Canada
The following chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to tired and discouraged men who are unhappy with their wives or girlfriends. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just copy this text and send it by e-mail to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and drive her and her belongings in your truck to the man whose name was the first on the list, and add your name to the end of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the sending of this text to you, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping.
REMEMBER, this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a New York supermodel.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.
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Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Just copy this text and send it by e-mail to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and drive her and her belongings in your truck to the man whose name was the first on the list, and add your name to the end of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the sending of this text to you, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping.
REMEMBER, this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a New York supermodel.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
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From: Near Ottawa, Canada
GHOSTLY DRIVE
Two Shovie drivers left the bar after a night of drinking, jumped in their truck
and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!” The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down a few inches and, scared out of his wits, said “Wha, wha, what do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “Ya got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry;
the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now. Hang on!”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. ”There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
”Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!” They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more
tapping.
”Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?” The old man gently replied, “Ah, you lads want some help getting out of this mud?”
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Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Two Shovie drivers left the bar after a night of drinking, jumped in their truck
and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!” The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down a few inches and, scared out of his wits, said “Wha, wha, what do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “Ya got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry;
the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now. Hang on!”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. ”There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
”Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!” They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more
tapping.
”Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?” The old man gently replied, “Ah, you lads want some help getting out of this mud?”
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Member
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 59
Likes: 0
From: Austin, Texas
Shifter,
I understand... just trying to save anyone else the embarassment of telling it to friends like it is true. I did and one friend knew the real story and teased me about believing it all night.
I understand... just trying to save anyone else the embarassment of telling it to friends like it is true. I did and one friend knew the real story and teased me about believing it all night.
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
You okay, Raoul? Still with us? Raoul? Raoul? Somebody call 911!
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Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-18-2000).]
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Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-18-2000).]
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 692
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From: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
Tickle Me Elmo
A blonde applies for a job at the "Tickle Me Elmo" factory. She is hired and reports for work the next morning at 8am. The foreman takes her to the assembly line and tells her what to do.
By 8:45 that morning the assembly line is hopelessly backed-up with Elmos scattered
everywhere.
The foreman races down the line looking for the hold-up. He spots the blonde at her
work station with a pair of scissors and a big bag of marbles. He watches as she cuts a little hole between each Elmo's legs, inserts two marbles and then sews the hole shut. The foreman laughs hysterically for several minutes, then approaches the blonde and, above the roar of the assembly
line, shouts "I guess you misunderstood me. What I want you to do is give Elmo two test tickles.
A blonde applies for a job at the "Tickle Me Elmo" factory. She is hired and reports for work the next morning at 8am. The foreman takes her to the assembly line and tells her what to do.
By 8:45 that morning the assembly line is hopelessly backed-up with Elmos scattered
everywhere.
The foreman races down the line looking for the hold-up. He spots the blonde at her
work station with a pair of scissors and a big bag of marbles. He watches as she cuts a little hole between each Elmo's legs, inserts two marbles and then sews the hole shut. The foreman laughs hysterically for several minutes, then approaches the blonde and, above the roar of the assembly
line, shouts "I guess you misunderstood me. What I want you to do is give Elmo two test tickles.
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 692
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From: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher said, "You what?!"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move.
So it must be dead."
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher said, "You what?!"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move.
So it must be dead."
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
ATST: Another one you might appreciate.
________________
Q: What’s the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a man?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, while a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: A lot of them either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch.
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Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-18-2000).]
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-19-2000).]
________________
Q: What’s the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a man?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, while a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: A lot of them either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-18-2000).]
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-19-2000).]
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
Twenty of the Thinnest books.
20. HOW TO LAND A PLANE AT MARTHA'S VINEYARD by JFK, Jr.
19. HOW TO PLEASE WOMEN by John Bobbit
18. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
17. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
16. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
15. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
9. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
8. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
7. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
6. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
5. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
4. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
3. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one World's Shortest book:...
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
20. HOW TO LAND A PLANE AT MARTHA'S VINEYARD by JFK, Jr.
19. HOW TO PLEASE WOMEN by John Bobbit
18. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
17. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
16. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
15. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
9. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
8. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
7. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
6. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
5. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
4. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
3. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one World's Shortest book:...
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 1,209
Likes: 0
From: Baton Rouge, La
A housewife took a lover during the day while her husband is at work. While this takes place she locks her 9-year-old son in the bedroom closet. One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she locks her lover in the same closet with the boy.
They stand in the gloom for a while, then the boy says, “Dark in here.”
“Yes it is.”
“I have a baseball.”
“That’s nice.”
“Wanna buy it?”
“No.”
“My dad’s out there.”
“OK, I’ll buy it. How much?”
“$25.00.”
“Gee. OK, I’ll buy it.”
A week later the man is over again. The boy is locked in the closet again. The father comes home again. The man is locked in the closet with the boy again. They stand in the gloom until the boy says: “Dark in Here.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove.”
“That’s nice.”
“Wanna buy it?”
Remembering the previous week, the man says, “sure, how much?”
“$75.00.”
“Fine.”
The following weekend the father says to the boy, “Son, go get your ball and glove and let’s play some catch.”
“I can’t dad. I sold them.”
“Really? For how much?”
“$100.00.”
“Son you shouldn’t rip your friends off like that. We didn’t pay anywhere near that for those items. I’m taking you to the Priest and I want you to confess to him.”
They go to the church to the confessional. The boy goes in and sits down. The little door opens so the Priest can hear his confession. “What is your sin, my son?”
“Dark in here.”
“Don’t start that **** again.”
They stand in the gloom for a while, then the boy says, “Dark in here.”
“Yes it is.”
“I have a baseball.”
“That’s nice.”
“Wanna buy it?”
“No.”
“My dad’s out there.”
“OK, I’ll buy it. How much?”
“$25.00.”
“Gee. OK, I’ll buy it.”
A week later the man is over again. The boy is locked in the closet again. The father comes home again. The man is locked in the closet with the boy again. They stand in the gloom until the boy says: “Dark in Here.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove.”
“That’s nice.”
“Wanna buy it?”
Remembering the previous week, the man says, “sure, how much?”
“$75.00.”
“Fine.”
The following weekend the father says to the boy, “Son, go get your ball and glove and let’s play some catch.”
“I can’t dad. I sold them.”
“Really? For how much?”
“$100.00.”
“Son you shouldn’t rip your friends off like that. We didn’t pay anywhere near that for those items. I’m taking you to the Priest and I want you to confess to him.”
They go to the church to the confessional. The boy goes in and sits down. The little door opens so the Priest can hear his confession. “What is your sin, my son?”
“Dark in here.”
“Don’t start that **** again.”
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
Words to Live by:
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me
the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles (in a Chevy) begins with a broken fan belt and
a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper; that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of truck payments.
12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
19. Don't squat with your spurs on (Texas only).
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
24. Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side
and it holds the universe together.
25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is
moving.
29. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me
the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles (in a Chevy) begins with a broken fan belt and
a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper; that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of truck payments.
12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
19. Don't squat with your spurs on (Texas only).
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
24. Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side
and it holds the universe together.
25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is
moving.
29. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.