Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
Member
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 22
Likes: 0
From: ßÅ §HÕ©KÊ® 4x4 Salisbury, MD, USA
i don't have a jokes but the ones you guys/women have posted are pretty good.
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BigBALLA@TomGreen.com
[list]
Go to these Pages for cool forums.
[*] www.PaintballCity.com
[*] http://pub21.ezboard.com/bbashocker4x4sforum
------------------
BigBALLA@TomGreen.com
[list]
Go to these Pages for cool forums.
[*] www.PaintballCity.com
[*] http://pub21.ezboard.com/bbashocker4x4sforum
Member
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 73
Likes: 0
From: Lincroft,NJ,US
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
Member
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 73
Likes: 0
From: Lincroft,NJ,US
Two students taking a chemistry class were doing well enough to think they had
solid "A" grades. Confident of their chemistry knowledge, they decided to visit
another college and party with some friends the weekend before the final. When
they returned too late to take the exam, they found their professor and
explained that they had missed the test because of a flat tire. The professor
allowed them to make up the final the next day. When they arrived, the
professor handed each a test, then placed them in separate rooms to begin.
Opening the small booklets, the students found just one question: Which tire?
solid "A" grades. Confident of their chemistry knowledge, they decided to visit
another college and party with some friends the weekend before the final. When
they returned too late to take the exam, they found their professor and
explained that they had missed the test because of a flat tire. The professor
allowed them to make up the final the next day. When they arrived, the
professor handed each a test, then placed them in separate rooms to begin.
Opening the small booklets, the students found just one question: Which tire?
Member
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 73
Likes: 0
From: Lincroft,NJ,US
A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family: "To my loving
wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house
and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked
after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the
business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who
hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will
- well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house
and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked
after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the
business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who
hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will
- well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
THE TOP TWENTY WAYS TO TELL A SHOVIE OWNER HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows on your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Shovie is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) I see you've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
4) Our next guest is someone who needs noooooooh introduction...
3) Men are From Mars, Women Can See Your *****
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows on your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Shovie is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) I see you've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
4) Our next guest is someone who needs noooooooh introduction...
3) Men are From Mars, Women Can See Your *****
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 1,565
Likes: 1
From: Columbus, Georgia
I'll just post the link for this one...due to slight vulgarity
Possible Pick Up Lines:(and more)
http://www.ak-47.net/akcgi/Forum6/HTML/013031.html
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2000 F-150 XLT, 4x2, 5.4L Supercab, Superchip, Styleside, Black with silver two-tone, 3.55 rear, class III towing package with heavy duty cooling package, Heavy duty shocks, 4 wheel disk ABS, overhead console, sliding rear window, keyless entry, dark graphite interior, in dash CD, factory leather wrapped steering wheel, FORD bedliner, FORD black tubular cab steps, K&N air filter, mar-hyde rubberized undercoating, Modine climate filtration system, Bugflector II, Mobil 1 oil and filter, Build date 7/00
[This message has been edited by Dustoff (edited 09-13-2000).]
Possible Pick Up Lines:(and more)
http://www.ak-47.net/akcgi/Forum6/HTML/013031.html
------------------
2000 F-150 XLT, 4x2, 5.4L Supercab, Superchip, Styleside, Black with silver two-tone, 3.55 rear, class III towing package with heavy duty cooling package, Heavy duty shocks, 4 wheel disk ABS, overhead console, sliding rear window, keyless entry, dark graphite interior, in dash CD, factory leather wrapped steering wheel, FORD bedliner, FORD black tubular cab steps, K&N air filter, mar-hyde rubberized undercoating, Modine climate filtration system, Bugflector II, Mobil 1 oil and filter, Build date 7/00
[This message has been edited by Dustoff (edited 09-13-2000).]
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 1,565
Likes: 1
From: Columbus, Georgia
Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start
25 Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freeze
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move south
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start
25 Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freeze
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move south
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 1,565
Likes: 1
From: Columbus, Georgia
Things to do in the bathroom stall...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
Banned
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 299
Likes: 0
From: mckinney, Tx, Usa
> Subject: 10 Good reasons to go to work Naked..
>
>
> >1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your @$$ in here by 8:00!"
> >
> >2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
> >
> >3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
> >
> >4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
> >
> >5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
> >
> >6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to
> your
> >exaggerated resume.
> >
> >7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
> them.
> >
> >8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
> >
> >9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
> >
> >10. No one steals your chair.
>
>
> >1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your @$$ in here by 8:00!"
> >
> >2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
> >
> >3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
> >
> >4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
> >
> >5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
> >
> >6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to
> your
> >exaggerated resume.
> >
> >7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
> them.
> >
> >8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
> >
> >9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
> >
> >10. No one steals your chair.
Banned
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 299
Likes: 0
From: mckinney, Tx, Usa
> > > >Watch out for the ducks
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >> Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big
> > > bull
> > > >> jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to
death.
> > > >> Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they
> > > >> were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to
> > Heaven,
> > > >> gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must
warn
> > > you
> > > >> that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be
> > > >> punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck,
> > the
> > > >> duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."
> > > >> That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates
> > > >> and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time
at
> > > >> all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked.
> > They
> > > >> made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.
> > > >> Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly ugly woman in
> > > >> tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be
> > punished."
> > > He
> > > >> chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together
> > > >> forever," and walked away.
> > > >> Not too much later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally
> > > >> stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made
a
> > > >> terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along
came
> > > St.
> > > >> Peter with an even uglier woman. Coyote ugly. "were you not warned
> > that
> > > >> if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished?" With that, he
chained
> > > the
> > > >> woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all
> > > >> eternity," and walked away.
> > > >> After witnessing all the fates of his two buddies, Billy Bob was
> > > >> very careful not to step on a duck.
> > > >> But, one day St. Peter came along with a drop-dead gorgeous
> > > >> blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together
> > > >> forever more," and walked away.
> > > >> Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
> > > >> "I don't know about you," said the babe, -- "but I stepped on a
> > > >> duck."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >> Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big
> > > bull
> > > >> jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to
death.
> > > >> Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they
> > > >> were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to
> > Heaven,
> > > >> gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must
warn
> > > you
> > > >> that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be
> > > >> punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck,
> > the
> > > >> duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."
> > > >> That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates
> > > >> and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time
at
> > > >> all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked.
> > They
> > > >> made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.
> > > >> Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly ugly woman in
> > > >> tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be
> > punished."
> > > He
> > > >> chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together
> > > >> forever," and walked away.
> > > >> Not too much later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally
> > > >> stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made
a
> > > >> terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along
came
> > > St.
> > > >> Peter with an even uglier woman. Coyote ugly. "were you not warned
> > that
> > > >> if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished?" With that, he
chained
> > > the
> > > >> woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all
> > > >> eternity," and walked away.
> > > >> After witnessing all the fates of his two buddies, Billy Bob was
> > > >> very careful not to step on a duck.
> > > >> But, one day St. Peter came along with a drop-dead gorgeous
> > > >> blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together
> > > >> forever more," and walked away.
> > > >> Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
> > > >> "I don't know about you," said the babe, -- "but I stepped on a
> > > >> duck."
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 272
Likes: 0
From: Minnesota
Dustoff-
About those Minnesotan comments...I resemble those...thanks a lot for giving away the secret as to why we live so long in Minnesota....now we are going to be flooded like Arizona and Texas in the winter time, just to see if those things are true....but like that will happen...not until the Vikings win the Superbowl...(Don't get me wrong, I am a die-hard Vikings fan, but I also know somethings are impossible. =OP)
About those Minnesotan comments...I resemble those...thanks a lot for giving away the secret as to why we live so long in Minnesota....now we are going to be flooded like Arizona and Texas in the winter time, just to see if those things are true....but like that will happen...not until the Vikings win the Superbowl...(Don't get me wrong, I am a die-hard Vikings fan, but I also know somethings are impossible. =OP)
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 1,565
Likes: 1
From: Columbus, Georgia
Sorry Shifter..I'll try to warn you better next time 
No problem MNFORD99
I'm also a die-hard Vikes fan (originally from the "good side" of the St. Croix river
) and have been waiting for an eternity to see them make it back. Maybe this decade??!!
[This message has been edited by Dustoff (edited 09-15-2000).]
No problem MNFORD99
I'm also a die-hard Vikes fan (originally from the "good side" of the St. Croix river
) and have been waiting for an eternity to see them make it back. Maybe this decade??!![This message has been edited by Dustoff (edited 09-15-2000).]
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 1,565
Likes: 1
From: Columbus, Georgia
Viagra Wife Diary
--------------------------------------------
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and "do" himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
--------------------------------------------
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and "do" himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!