A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She
responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you
tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a
few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and
says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To
which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

 

A lady wants to suprise her husband on their anniversary, so she buys a pair of crotchless panties. she dlies them on, lies back on the bed, and waits for him to get home. When he arrives and opens the bedroom door she says, grinning and winking, "What's up, baby? You want some of this?"
Her husband takes on look and replies, "Hell, no! Look what it's done to your undies!!"

 

I'll work some truck material in...
*
Q: What's is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a chevy?
A: Placement of the dirt bag.

Q: What do you call a chevy driver who has 500 girlfriends?
A: A shepard.

 

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've
just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the
last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your *******ing cat."

 

A man and his wife plan to vacation in Florida. At the last minute the wife has
to go to a business meeting. The husband goes ahead; the wife agrees to meet
him in a couple days. While they're apart the husband sends his wife an e-mail,
but accidentally sends it to a woman who's husband had died recently. After
reading the message, she passes out cold. Her daughter, wondering what
disturbed her mother so much, reads the e-mail: "Dear Darling, I have really
missed you! I am looking forward to your arrival tomorrow. Oh, and it is really
hot down here!"

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his ***** into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my ***** into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."




------------------
1999 F150, Lariat, 4X4,5.4L,Wedgewood Blue,Auto, 3.55LS,K&N FIPK,Midas Performance muffler with dual pipes,Mobil1,SUPERCHIP

 

Three o'clock in the AM. Chevy owner & wife, in bed, sleeping (what else) The doorbell rings & rings & rings, until the guy shakes himself awake and goes down to answer it.

It's pooring rain out side and this dejectded little guy says "Can you give me a push"?

The chevy guy says -"Are you crazy?, it's three in the morning, pouring rain, & I was sound asleep" and slams the door in the guys face - then goes back to bed.

His wife says "What was that"? - so he tells her. She says - "Don't you remember the time we were at the drive in movie, it started to rain & your chevy stalled - again ??? - if it had not been for that nice Ford truck driver,that gave you a push, we might still be there"

"Your right dear", he says and stumbles down stairs and opens the door.

He shouts out "Hey, do you still want a push"?

A voice answers "Sure"

" Where are you ?" says the chevy owner

"Over here - on your swing"

 

One day a man decides to go ice fishing. He begins to cut a hole in the ice
when a booming voice from above says, "There are no fish there." So he moves to
another area, and begins to cut another hole in the ice, when he hears the
voice again, "There are no fish there." So he moves again and begins cutting
another hole when once more the voice bellows, "There are no fish there
either." So the man looks up and says "Who is this, God?" The voice replies,
"No, this is the manager of this ice skating rink."

 

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central andSouth America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "GotMilk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soonbrought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish,where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola namein China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather firstclass seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

 

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning father, good morning father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "good morning father", "good morning father" and started to walk away.
One of the priest couldn't stand it and said, "just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh father, don't you recognize me? ................. "I'm Sister Kathryn"

 

God and St.Francis are conversing...
"Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."
"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."
"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"
"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plants that crop up in the lawn."
"The spring rains and cool weather probably makes grass grow really fast. That must make the Surburbanites happy."
"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it--sometimes twice a week."
"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
"No, Sir. It's just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away."
"Yes, Sir."
These Surburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."
"You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing fast, they drag out hoses and pay money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."
"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."
"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
"And where do they get this mulch?"
"They cut down trees and grind them up."
"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts, What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
"Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story."


------------------
2000 F-150 XLT Sport, Silver 4-door Supercab StyleSide
Short Bed (Only way to fit in the garage)
17" Sport Wheels with BFG tires, 3.55 R, 4.6l V8, Auto (First one in 20 years)
In-Dash Single CD Player, 60/40 Split bench dark graphite

Mods So Far
K&N Filter, Gatorback Spray-In Bedliner, Llumar ProShield Window Tint
WMS Velocity Tube, Black Westin Step Bars

Future Plans
Superchip, Upgraded Speakers/Stereo
FlowMaster Exhaust

 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager".
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."


[This message has been edited by Y2kXLTSport (edited 08-23-2000).]

 

This is still up and running? Woah!

------------------
1999 Ford F150 XLT 4x2, Cloth Seats, Amazon green, 16" All season tires, Soft Tonneau Cover, CD Player, 4.6 liter Triton V8, 3:55 ls, towing package, 4 speed auto, K&N Airfilter, soon Superchip and K&N GEN II.

 

This is still up and running? Woah!

------------------
1999 Ford F150 XLT 4x2, Cloth Seats, Amazon green, 16" All season tires, Soft Tonneau Cover, CD Player, 4.6 liter Triton V8, 3:55 ls, towing package, 4 speed auto, K&N Airfilter, soon Superchip and K&N GEN II.

 

This is still up and running? Woah!

------------------
1999 Ford F150 XLT 4x2, Cloth Seats, Amazon green, 16" All season tires, Soft Tonneau Cover, CD Player, 4.6 liter Triton V8, 3:55 ls, towing package, 4 speed auto, K&N Airfilter, soon Superchip and K&N GEN II.