Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Ta da!!! Three hundred posts in this thread. Let's go for 400!
________
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain began making his usual announcement over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead looks good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!”
Silence.
A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ah, sorry Ladies and Gentlemen. I didn't mean to scare you earlier but, while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. Woe! You should see the front of my pants!”
A Shovie driver in Coach piped up: “That’s nothin', you idiot. You should see the back of mine!”
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
________
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain began making his usual announcement over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead looks good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!”
Silence.
A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ah, sorry Ladies and Gentlemen. I didn't mean to scare you earlier but, while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. Woe! You should see the front of my pants!”
A Shovie driver in Coach piped up: “That’s nothin', you idiot. You should see the back of mine!”
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
MEGA MORON #1 (All Shovie drivers?)
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (Question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
MEGA MORON #2
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, “FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ K-UP!”
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn & fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f _ _k-up!”
MEGA MORON #3
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
MEGA MORON #4
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied “Yes officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
MEGA MORON #5 and 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!!!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
MEGA MORON #6
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
MEGA MORON #7
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck (must have been a Shovie!). Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (Question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
MEGA MORON #2
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, “FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ K-UP!”
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn & fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f _ _k-up!”
MEGA MORON #3
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
MEGA MORON #4
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied “Yes officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
MEGA MORON #5 and 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!!!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
MEGA MORON #6
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
MEGA MORON #7
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck (must have been a Shovie!). Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
The following is a true story carried by the Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt. Not a joke, but bizarre enough for us "F-150online" folks, I bet!
___________________
At the the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, the American Association for Forensic Science president, Dr. Don Harper Mills, astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
“Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “A person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.” That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his longstanding habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun, threateningly loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
___________________
At the the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, the American Association for Forensic Science president, Dr. Don Harper Mills, astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
“Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “A person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.” That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his longstanding habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun, threateningly loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
This weightlifter guy was in town for a convention on bodybuilding. It was a hot day so he decided to stop at a local bar for a beer.
As he was sipping a cold one he began to notice that this was not the kind of place he would normally go to (men dating men). But he figured what the heck, he paid for the beer and he's gonna finish it.
A rather friendly gentleman walks over and asks him "hey guy, whath's the name of your *****?". The guy sat back thinking this was strange and asked the man what was he talking about. The friendly gentleman stated that everyone in the bar has a name for their *****, what was his.
So the weightlifter looked at him and said okay, what's the name of your *****? The friendly man said "Timex" to which the weightlifter replied, "Why Timex"? "Because it takeths a licking and keeps on ticking." he was informed. The bartender at this point walks over and says yea, everyone around here names it, mine is Coke, because it's the real thing.
So the two kept pressing the weightlifter for a name until he finally responded "It's a secret". They pushed harder, "it can't be a secret everyone tells everything around this place". To which he replies, "no it's name is Secret, strong enough for a man but made for a woman".
better told verbally then in writing
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
As he was sipping a cold one he began to notice that this was not the kind of place he would normally go to (men dating men). But he figured what the heck, he paid for the beer and he's gonna finish it.
A rather friendly gentleman walks over and asks him "hey guy, whath's the name of your *****?". The guy sat back thinking this was strange and asked the man what was he talking about. The friendly gentleman stated that everyone in the bar has a name for their *****, what was his.
So the weightlifter looked at him and said okay, what's the name of your *****? The friendly man said "Timex" to which the weightlifter replied, "Why Timex"? "Because it takeths a licking and keeps on ticking." he was informed. The bartender at this point walks over and says yea, everyone around here names it, mine is Coke, because it's the real thing.
So the two kept pressing the weightlifter for a name until he finally responded "It's a secret". They pushed harder, "it can't be a secret everyone tells everything around this place". To which he replies, "no it's name is Secret, strong enough for a man but made for a woman".
better told verbally then in writing
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Yessiree, Raoul. That was a true story about the guy who murdered himself. Here's another interesting bit of news.
________
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED
A recent survey of truck drivers from four countries revealed the following interesting facts:
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that looking out for people is the government’s job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Aussies: Love to watch sports in stadiums where the play is rougher than the fights among the fans.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English.”
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English.”
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce mostly like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day, mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic about everything.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting ****.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Are proud about how some of those great Americans were once Canadians.
Aussies: Wallow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Aussies: Encourage immigrants to stay away.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America or Australia.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don’t have to do either, and couldn’t care less.
Aussies: Don’t understand what inclement weather means.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don’t understand their humour.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that those Canadians are American.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-07-2000).]
________
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED
A recent survey of truck drivers from four countries revealed the following interesting facts:
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that looking out for people is the government’s job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Aussies: Love to watch sports in stadiums where the play is rougher than the fights among the fans.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English.”
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English.”
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce mostly like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day, mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic about everything.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting ****.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Are proud about how some of those great Americans were once Canadians.
Aussies: Wallow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Aussies: Encourage immigrants to stay away.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America or Australia.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don’t have to do either, and couldn’t care less.
Aussies: Don’t understand what inclement weather means.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don’t understand their humour.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that those Canadians are American.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-07-2000).]
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 692
Likes: 0
From: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is
watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he
heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid person would name a parrot Moses?"
Well the bird answered, "Probably the same kind of person that would name a rotweiller...Jesus,"
watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he
heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid person would name a parrot Moses?"
Well the bird answered, "Probably the same kind of person that would name a rotweiller...Jesus,"
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 692
Likes: 0
From: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbour, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Lol, I think I read everyone of those several times over. Don't forget the one where the bug bit hitch a ride from overseas and ended up biting people from the toilet seats, making them drastically sick or dead within hours, lol
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99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
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99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 368
Likes: 0
From: South of the Red River
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank?
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A Chevy truck? ____
5. waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
*If you have answered YES to 3,4, 5, 6, or 7 discontinue application and leave immediately.*
8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
12. Church/Temple you attend: _________________________________________
13. How often do you attend: _________________________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*
16. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
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2000 F-150 XLT Sport, Silver 4-door Supercab StyleSide
Short Bed (Only way to fit in the garage)
17" Sport Wheels with BFG tires, 3.55 R, 4.6l V8, Auto (First one in 20 years)
In-Dash Single CD Player, 60/40 Split bench dark graphite
Mods So Far
K&N Filter, Gatorback Spray-In Bedliner, Llumar ProShield Window Tint
WMS Velocity Tube
Future Plans
Superchip, Upgraded Speakers/Stereo
FlowMaster Exhaust, Nerf Bars
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank?
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A Chevy truck? ____
5. waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
*If you have answered YES to 3,4, 5, 6, or 7 discontinue application and leave immediately.*
8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
12. Church/Temple you attend: _________________________________________
13. How often do you attend: _________________________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*
16. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
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2000 F-150 XLT Sport, Silver 4-door Supercab StyleSide
Short Bed (Only way to fit in the garage)
17" Sport Wheels with BFG tires, 3.55 R, 4.6l V8, Auto (First one in 20 years)
In-Dash Single CD Player, 60/40 Split bench dark graphite
Mods So Far
K&N Filter, Gatorback Spray-In Bedliner, Llumar ProShield Window Tint
WMS Velocity Tube
Future Plans
Superchip, Upgraded Speakers/Stereo
FlowMaster Exhaust, Nerf Bars
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 368
Likes: 0
From: South of the Red River
Out of the Mouths of Babes
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." Long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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2000 F-150 XLT Sport, Silver 4-door Supercab StyleSide
Short Bed (Only way to fit in the garage)
17" Sport Wheels with BFG tires, 3.55 R, 4.6l V8, Auto (First one in 20 years)
In-Dash Single CD Player, 60/40 Split bench dark graphite
Mods So Far
K&N Filter, Gatorback Spray-In Bedliner, Llumar ProShield Window Tint
WMS Velocity Tube
Future Plans
Superchip, Upgraded Speakers/Stereo
FlowMaster Exhaust, Nerf Bars
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." Long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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2000 F-150 XLT Sport, Silver 4-door Supercab StyleSide
Short Bed (Only way to fit in the garage)
17" Sport Wheels with BFG tires, 3.55 R, 4.6l V8, Auto (First one in 20 years)
In-Dash Single CD Player, 60/40 Split bench dark graphite
Mods So Far
K&N Filter, Gatorback Spray-In Bedliner, Llumar ProShield Window Tint
WMS Velocity Tube
Future Plans
Superchip, Upgraded Speakers/Stereo
FlowMaster Exhaust, Nerf Bars
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 368
Likes: 0
From: South of the Red River
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 368
Likes: 0
From: South of the Red River
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 368
Likes: 0
From: South of the Red River
In Honor of St. Patrick's Day...and Lent
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towner's would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towner's would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."