Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
I've not paid much attention to this thread, and I realize that I've really been missing out. Here are a few I hope you like. I warn you that some of these get pretty bad.
If you are easily offended, you will be.......
Redneck Census Form:
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Number of road kills presently in your freezer?
[ ] 3
[ ] 5
[ ] 10 or more
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
------------------
2000 XLT Black Sport, Flareside, 2WD, SuperCab, 5.4L Auto. Other factory options: 3.55 LS, Class III tow, 6-way Captains chairs w/CD changer, Remote entry , and Slider window.
Mods: Window tint, projector headlight & slotted tail light covers, removed "Sport" decals, Linex spray-in bedliner, an ARE LSII lid,and a Flowmaster cat-back exhaust kit.
Wish list: K&N FIPK, Belltech 3/4 drop, Belltech or Helwig sway bars, SuperChip, and a front bumper cover with driving lights.
Check out more pics at: http://home.columbus.rr.com/selva1/f150.html
[This message has been edited by selva1 (edited 04-11-2000).]
[This message has been edited by selva1 (edited 04-11-2000).]
If you are easily offended, you will be.......
Redneck Census Form:
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Number of road kills presently in your freezer?
[ ] 3
[ ] 5
[ ] 10 or more
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
------------------
2000 XLT Black Sport, Flareside, 2WD, SuperCab, 5.4L Auto. Other factory options: 3.55 LS, Class III tow, 6-way Captains chairs w/CD changer, Remote entry , and Slider window.
Mods: Window tint, projector headlight & slotted tail light covers, removed "Sport" decals, Linex spray-in bedliner, an ARE LSII lid,and a Flowmaster cat-back exhaust kit.
Wish list: K&N FIPK, Belltech 3/4 drop, Belltech or Helwig sway bars, SuperChip, and a front bumper cover with driving lights.
Check out more pics at: http://home.columbus.rr.com/selva1/f150.html
[This message has been edited by selva1 (edited 04-11-2000).]
[This message has been edited by selva1 (edited 04-11-2000).]
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the f%#k was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with ***** that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the f%#k was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with ***** that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
Subject: Father & Son Talk
A little boy and his father were walking outside when the father took out a can of chewing tobacco and took a chew. The little boy said "Daddy, can I have some too?"
The dad looked down at his son and said "Is your pecker long enough to reach your a**hole, son?"
The little boy replied "No, daddy, its not."
The father said, "Well then I guess you can't have any."
Later, that night after dinner, the old man lit up a cigar. The little boy said "Daddy, can I have one too?"
The dad looked down at his son and said "Is your pecker long enough to reach your a**hole, son?"
The little boy replied "No, daddy, its not."
The father said, "Well then I guess you can't have one."
The boy went into the kitchen and got himself some cookies that Grandma had made for him. His father walked in and saw him eating the cookies and said "Wow son, those cookies sure look good."
The boy said, "Yep, they sure are!"
Then the dad said, "Do you think your old man could have one of them cookies?"
The boy looked up at his dad and said "Is your pecker long enough to reach your a**hole, Daddy?"
The dad laughed and said "Yes, son. Yes it is."
"Good," said the boy "Go ******* yourself - Grandma made these cookies for me!"
[This message has been edited by selva1 (edited 04-11-2000).]
A little boy and his father were walking outside when the father took out a can of chewing tobacco and took a chew. The little boy said "Daddy, can I have some too?"
The dad looked down at his son and said "Is your pecker long enough to reach your a**hole, son?"
The little boy replied "No, daddy, its not."
The father said, "Well then I guess you can't have any."
Later, that night after dinner, the old man lit up a cigar. The little boy said "Daddy, can I have one too?"
The dad looked down at his son and said "Is your pecker long enough to reach your a**hole, son?"
The little boy replied "No, daddy, its not."
The father said, "Well then I guess you can't have one."
The boy went into the kitchen and got himself some cookies that Grandma had made for him. His father walked in and saw him eating the cookies and said "Wow son, those cookies sure look good."
The boy said, "Yep, they sure are!"
Then the dad said, "Do you think your old man could have one of them cookies?"
The boy looked up at his dad and said "Is your pecker long enough to reach your a**hole, Daddy?"
The dad laughed and said "Yes, son. Yes it is."
"Good," said the boy "Go ******* yourself - Grandma made these cookies for me!"
[This message has been edited by selva1 (edited 04-11-2000).]
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
Nursing Home Sex
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.
They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head.
Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an a**hole.
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.
They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head.
Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an a**hole.
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
Sorry for the caps, that's the way I got this one:
THERE WAS A GUY IN A BAR ONE NIGHT THAT GOT REALLY DRUNK, I MEAN REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DRUNK. WHEN THE BAR CLOSED HE GOT UP TO GO HOME.
AS HE STUMBLED OUT THE DOOR HE SAW A NUN WALKING ON THE SIDEWALK. SO HE STUMBLED OVER TO THE NUN AND PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE.
WELL THE NUN WAS REALLY SURPRISED BUT BEFORE SHE COULD DO OR SAY ANYTHING HE PUNCHED HER AGAIN.
THIS TIME SHE FELL DOWN AND HE STUMBLED OVER TO HER AND KICKED HER IN THE BUTT, THEN HE PICKED HER UP AND THREW HER INTO A WALL.
BY THIS TIME THE NUN WAS PRETTY WEAK AND COULDN'T MOVE VERY MUCH. SO THEN HE STUMBLED OVER TO HER, PUT HIS FACE RIGHT NEXT TO HERS AND SAID.........."NOT VERY ********N' STRONG TONIGHT, ARE YOU BATMAN?"!
THERE WAS A GUY IN A BAR ONE NIGHT THAT GOT REALLY DRUNK, I MEAN REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DRUNK. WHEN THE BAR CLOSED HE GOT UP TO GO HOME.
AS HE STUMBLED OUT THE DOOR HE SAW A NUN WALKING ON THE SIDEWALK. SO HE STUMBLED OVER TO THE NUN AND PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE.
WELL THE NUN WAS REALLY SURPRISED BUT BEFORE SHE COULD DO OR SAY ANYTHING HE PUNCHED HER AGAIN.
THIS TIME SHE FELL DOWN AND HE STUMBLED OVER TO HER AND KICKED HER IN THE BUTT, THEN HE PICKED HER UP AND THREW HER INTO A WALL.
BY THIS TIME THE NUN WAS PRETTY WEAK AND COULDN'T MOVE VERY MUCH. SO THEN HE STUMBLED OVER TO HER, PUT HIS FACE RIGHT NEXT TO HERS AND SAID.........."NOT VERY ********N' STRONG TONIGHT, ARE YOU BATMAN?"!
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 2,105
Likes: 0
From: CT.
hey is it o.k to tell a stupid gay joke?edit it if you don't like it...two condoms are walkin' down the road.. they're board so thier tryin' to find somethin' to do..they keep walking then stop in front of a gay bar..one condom says to the other "hey let's
go inside and get ***** faced"....think about it if you don't get it right away..
go inside and get ***** faced"....think about it if you don't get it right away..
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Hey, Selva1, I split a gut laughing when I read that one about Nursing Home Sex. One of the best I've read in a long time.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
Glad you liked it. Here's another:
A Kind Lawyer
--------------------
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of
his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the
other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for
his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are
too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
almost a foot tall."
A Kind Lawyer
--------------------
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of
his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the
other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for
his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are
too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
almost a foot tall."
Member
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 59
Likes: 0
From: Austin, Texas
Shifter,
Regarding your "Forensic Science" post... this is from Urbanlegends.com:
"The bizarre suicide involving a guy (variations include Ronald Opus and Paul Aulphis), a tall building, an old couple, and a shotgun is totally bogus but pretty damn good. Don Harper Mills, past president of the American Academy of Forensic Sciences made it up in 1987. See 27 Feb 96 Los Angeles Times for an interview."
You trying to pull a fast one?
Regarding your "Forensic Science" post... this is from Urbanlegends.com:
"The bizarre suicide involving a guy (variations include Ronald Opus and Paul Aulphis), a tall building, an old couple, and a shotgun is totally bogus but pretty damn good. Don Harper Mills, past president of the American Academy of Forensic Sciences made it up in 1987. See 27 Feb 96 Los Angeles Times for an interview."
You trying to pull a fast one?
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
The Horth
This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I am sending him over." The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one. "Nithe looking horth, can I thee her mouf? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. Nithe mouf, can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what abou the earsth?" Now the owners is beginning to get a little pi**ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears "OK, finally, I would like to thee her ****." With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's a**, and then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run.
[This message has been edited by selva1 (edited 04-12-2000).]
This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I am sending him over." The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one. "Nithe looking horth, can I thee her mouf? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. Nithe mouf, can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what abou the earsth?" Now the owners is beginning to get a little pi**ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears "OK, finally, I would like to thee her ****." With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's a**, and then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run.
[This message has been edited by selva1 (edited 04-12-2000).]
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go.
He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks.
Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"
Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks.
Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"
Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Foster: I don't investigate them. I get 'em and, if I like 'em, I pass 'em along. But thanks for the info.
Selva1: That'th thertainly a great thtory.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-13-2000).]
Selva1: That'th thertainly a great thtory.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-13-2000).]
Member
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 15
Likes: 0
From: Huron, SD, USA
Found this one on a website...
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped."
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.
"I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ...
"there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped."
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.
"I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ...
"there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to you.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. (Ooooooo!!)
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me . . .”
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can’t stop talking long enough to build up the required pressure.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her intelligence? Divorced. (Where are you ATST!)
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 per cent. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffer Ring.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!” (Okay. That's it. This demands a response from the ladies.)
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Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to you.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. (Ooooooo!!)
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me . . .”
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can’t stop talking long enough to build up the required pressure.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her intelligence? Divorced. (Where are you ATST!)
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 per cent. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffer Ring.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!” (Okay. That's it. This demands a response from the ladies.)
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 508
Likes: 0
From: Ohio
A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home
with him.
He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great a
chest you have."
The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive
calves you have."
The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running
and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his
clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up
to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.
"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw
what a short fuse you have!"
with him.
He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great a
chest you have."
The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive
calves you have."
The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running
and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his
clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up
to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.
"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw
what a short fuse you have!"