Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
I'm on a rampage again, folks!
_______________________
Miss Bea was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a pot of tea.
As he sat in the parlor facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a beautiful cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
”Miss Bea,” he began carefully, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”(pointing to the bowl). “Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the sidewalk. The directions said to keep wet, place on organ, can prevent disease. And you know...I haven’t had a cold all winter.”
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Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!
_______________________
Miss Bea was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a pot of tea.
As he sat in the parlor facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a beautiful cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
”Miss Bea,” he began carefully, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”(pointing to the bowl). “Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the sidewalk. The directions said to keep wet, place on organ, can prevent disease. And you know...I haven’t had a cold all winter.”
------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Happy St. Paddy's Day! So, a gent walks into a New York bar and sits down next to another fella sippin’ his suds. The first man, with a wee Irish lilt you could cut with a knife, orders a Guinness, only to hear the man next to him ask: “Would ya happen to be from the Emerald Isle, my friend?”
“Why yes,” answers our hero. “How ever did ya know that?” “Well,” replies the second man. “You’ve a wee bit o’ the Irish in yer voice and bein’ from Ireland meself, I thought you might be a compatriot.”
“Indeed,” says the first man, sipping his newly-arrived stout thoughtfully. “And what part of Eire are ye from, my son.” “From Dublin. And yerself?” “No, not Dublin! Why that’s where I was born and raised! Bartender...Another for me and one for me friend, here, and we’ll toast the greatest city in the world...Dublin fair city!”
“Why thank you sir. Mighty kind of you. Don’t mind if I do. What part of Dublin ye from, if I might be permitted to ask?”
“I grew up in the south part of the city, just across the Shannon from the railway tracks.”
“Ye must be jokin’, lad. I’m from there meself. What street, then?” “Why me Ma and Pa had a house on Michael Collins Rd. Lovely little place. I miss it greatly,” downing half his pint as his eyes mist over. “This is too much of a coincidence. We lived there, too. What school did you attend as a youngster?”
“St. Patrick’s on Freedom Street.”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! This is almost too much too believe! So did I? When did ye leave school, then?”
“’Twas in 1968, just ‘fore I came over to America to find me some work.”
“Dear God! It can’t be. I left there the same year to come here to America meself. Incredible. Bartender. Two more pints, lad. And look lively!”
Meanwhile, the bartender leans over to a client at the other end of the bar and whispers, “Going to be a long night. The O’Malley twins are drinking again!”
------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!
“Why yes,” answers our hero. “How ever did ya know that?” “Well,” replies the second man. “You’ve a wee bit o’ the Irish in yer voice and bein’ from Ireland meself, I thought you might be a compatriot.”
“Indeed,” says the first man, sipping his newly-arrived stout thoughtfully. “And what part of Eire are ye from, my son.” “From Dublin. And yerself?” “No, not Dublin! Why that’s where I was born and raised! Bartender...Another for me and one for me friend, here, and we’ll toast the greatest city in the world...Dublin fair city!”
“Why thank you sir. Mighty kind of you. Don’t mind if I do. What part of Dublin ye from, if I might be permitted to ask?”
“I grew up in the south part of the city, just across the Shannon from the railway tracks.”
“Ye must be jokin’, lad. I’m from there meself. What street, then?” “Why me Ma and Pa had a house on Michael Collins Rd. Lovely little place. I miss it greatly,” downing half his pint as his eyes mist over. “This is too much of a coincidence. We lived there, too. What school did you attend as a youngster?”
“St. Patrick’s on Freedom Street.”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! This is almost too much too believe! So did I? When did ye leave school, then?”
“’Twas in 1968, just ‘fore I came over to America to find me some work.”
“Dear God! It can’t be. I left there the same year to come here to America meself. Incredible. Bartender. Two more pints, lad. And look lively!”
Meanwhile, the bartender leans over to a client at the other end of the bar and whispers, “Going to be a long night. The O’Malley twins are drinking again!”
------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!
Certified Goat Breeder
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 6,182
Likes: 19
From: the moral high ground
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in
the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing
so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter
with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of
berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in
the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing
so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter
with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of
berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 692
Likes: 0
From: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
I was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work ****tail with my girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that we could not take our eyes away from him. The young man noticed my overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward me.
Before I could say a word, the young man said to me, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, I asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
I considered his proposition for a moment, got out my wallet & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which I pressed into the young man's hand. I then looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Wash my Truck.'
Before I could say a word, the young man said to me, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, I asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
I considered his proposition for a moment, got out my wallet & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which I pressed into the young man's hand. I then looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Wash my Truck.'
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
That's one pic I don't ever want to see posted here! However, over at the Shovie board...
______________
Three guys and a woman were sitting at the bar talking about themselves. The first guy says “I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist “.
The second guy says “ I’m a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, No Kids“. The third guy says, “ I’m a R.U.B, Rich, Urban, Biker “. They turn to the woman and ask her, “ So, what are you? “
She replies dejectedly: “ I’m just a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F*#k, Etc”.
------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!
______________
Three guys and a woman were sitting at the bar talking about themselves. The first guy says “I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist “.
The second guy says “ I’m a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, No Kids“. The third guy says, “ I’m a R.U.B, Rich, Urban, Biker “. They turn to the woman and ask her, “ So, what are you? “
She replies dejectedly: “ I’m just a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F*#k, Etc”.
------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Little Johnny, the Shovie driver, when he was a young boy just potty trained, every time he went to "tinkle" in the bathroom he hit everything but the toilet. Mom had to go in and clean up after him.
After weeks of this she had enough and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "Well, I've determined the cause of his problem. His "unit" is too small. There's not much I can do about it, at his age and all, but an old wives tale I heard works is to give him two slices of toast each morning. Don't know why, but they say that will make his unit grow so he can hold on to it and aim straight."
Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat two slices!"
"I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."
------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!
After weeks of this she had enough and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "Well, I've determined the cause of his problem. His "unit" is too small. There's not much I can do about it, at his age and all, but an old wives tale I heard works is to give him two slices of toast each morning. Don't know why, but they say that will make his unit grow so he can hold on to it and aim straight."
Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat two slices!"
"I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."
------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 692
Likes: 0
From: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line and we think he'll win.
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line and we think he'll win.
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Hey, folks. We're almost at 300 posts!
Anybody got any good ones they can share?
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Anybody got any good ones they can share?
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Hey, my wife "accidently" cleaned out my joke folder of over 300. Starting over:
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
=============================================How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
=============================================
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice ****."
=============================================
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
=============================================
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton *****.
=============================================Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
=============================================
Why is being in the military like a bj?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
=============================================
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still **********?
Miracle Whip.
=============================================What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
=============================================
What has a whole bunch of little ***** and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
=============================================What' s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has ****** on the outside.
=============================================What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
=============================================
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
=============================================Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
=============================================Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
=============================================Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
=============================================
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
==========================================
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with a woman?
Breasts don't have eyes.
==========================================
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
==========================================
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
============================================
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,along with a recipe.
===========================================
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh$#%.
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
=============================================How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
=============================================
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice ****."
=============================================
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
=============================================
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton *****.
=============================================Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
=============================================
Why is being in the military like a bj?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
=============================================
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still **********?
Miracle Whip.
=============================================What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
=============================================
What has a whole bunch of little ***** and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
=============================================What' s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has ****** on the outside.
=============================================What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
=============================================
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
=============================================Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
=============================================Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
=============================================Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
=============================================
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
==========================================
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with a woman?
Breasts don't have eyes.
==========================================
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
==========================================
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
============================================
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,along with a recipe.
===========================================
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh$#%.
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word '*****' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased
it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word '*****' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word '*****' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Here's an old one I don't remember if it made it on the board or not:
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-*** jock in the back of the room asks,"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says:
"Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-*** jock in the back of the room asks,"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says:
"Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs