Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 1,565
Likes: 1
From: Columbus, Georgia
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'
His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 1,565
Likes: 1
From: Columbus, Georgia
Things Not To Do at a Job Interview
We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 1,565
Likes: 1
From: Columbus, Georgia
25 Reasons Alcohol Should be Served at Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managers want to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.-SCARY!!!!
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managers want to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.-SCARY!!!!
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common.
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Here's what we Canadians call a "Newfie" joke. You have to read the part of the guy from Newfoundland with a sort of Irish back-woods accent in mind:
_________________
Tiger Woods drives his new Buick into a service station in St. John's on his tour of Newfoundland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical friendly Newfoundland manner, unaware who the golf pro is.
"And how are ya today," the attendant says. Tiger Woods comes to get out of the Buick to stretch his legs and two tees fall out of his pant pocket onto the ground. "Well, what’re dems, me Son?" says the attendant.
"They're called ‘tees’," replies Tiger.
"And what're dey for?" enquires the Newfoundlander.
"They're for putting my ***** on while I'm driving." says Tiger.
"Well, Lard Tunderin Jaysus!!!" says the Newf, "Dem boys at Buick, dey tinks of ******in' everyting!"
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!
_________________
Tiger Woods drives his new Buick into a service station in St. John's on his tour of Newfoundland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical friendly Newfoundland manner, unaware who the golf pro is.
"And how are ya today," the attendant says. Tiger Woods comes to get out of the Buick to stretch his legs and two tees fall out of his pant pocket onto the ground. "Well, what’re dems, me Son?" says the attendant.
"They're called ‘tees’," replies Tiger.
"And what're dey for?" enquires the Newfoundlander.
"They're for putting my ***** on while I'm driving." says Tiger.
"Well, Lard Tunderin Jaysus!!!" says the Newf, "Dem boys at Buick, dey tinks of ******in' everyting!"
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 118
Likes: 0
From: Canada's TROPICAL paradise
A blonde, tired of ALL the dumb blond jokes, dye's her hair red & decides to go for a ride in her "Like a Rock" shovie ( she WAS after all blonde).
Passing a field full of sheep & spying the farmer, she rolls down the window and hollers " Hey farmer, interested in a proposition"? -
The farmer, thinking something is up says "Why hell yeah"
The blond says "If I can guess how many sheep you have in that field, would you give me one"?
The farmer, saddened, says " Well Yeah, I suppose so"
The girl says "386"
The farmer, staggered, says " Why yes, thats exactly right - - go & pick any sheep you want"
The girl grabs one & throws it in the back of the shovie.
The farmer says - "Can I make you a proposition"?
The girl says "Why, yes"
The farmer says " If I can guess your ORIGINAL hair color, - will you give me back my DOG"?
Passing a field full of sheep & spying the farmer, she rolls down the window and hollers " Hey farmer, interested in a proposition"? -
The farmer, thinking something is up says "Why hell yeah"
The blond says "If I can guess how many sheep you have in that field, would you give me one"?
The farmer, saddened, says " Well Yeah, I suppose so"
The girl says "386"
The farmer, staggered, says " Why yes, thats exactly right - - go & pick any sheep you want"
The girl grabs one & throws it in the back of the shovie.
The farmer says - "Can I make you a proposition"?
The girl says "Why, yes"
The farmer says " If I can guess your ORIGINAL hair color, - will you give me back my DOG"?
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 118
Likes: 0
From: Canada's TROPICAL paradise
A blonde, tired of ALL the dumb blond jokes, dye's her hair red & decides to go for a ride in her "Like a Rock" shovie ( she WAS after all blonde).
Passing a field full of sheep & spying the farmer, she rolls down the window and hollers " Hey farmer, interested in a proposition"? -
The farmer, thinking something is up says "Why hell yeah"
The blond says "If I can guess how many sheep you have in that field, would you give me one"?
The farmer, saddened, says " Well Yeah, I suppose so"
The girl says "386"
The farmer, staggered, says " Why yes, thats exactly right - - go & pick any sheep you want"
The girl grabs one & throws it in the back of the shovie.
The farmer says - "Can I make you a proposition"?
The girl says "Why, yes"
The farmer says " If I can guess your ORIGINAL hair color, - will you give me back my DOG"?
Passing a field full of sheep & spying the farmer, she rolls down the window and hollers " Hey farmer, interested in a proposition"? -
The farmer, thinking something is up says "Why hell yeah"
The blond says "If I can guess how many sheep you have in that field, would you give me one"?
The farmer, saddened, says " Well Yeah, I suppose so"
The girl says "386"
The farmer, staggered, says " Why yes, thats exactly right - - go & pick any sheep you want"
The girl grabs one & throws it in the back of the shovie.
The farmer says - "Can I make you a proposition"?
The girl says "Why, yes"
The farmer says " If I can guess your ORIGINAL hair color, - will you give me back my DOG"?
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 118
Likes: 0
From: Canada's TROPICAL paradise
A blonde, tired of ALL the dumb blond jokes, dye's her hair red & decides to go for a ride in her "Like a Rock" shovie ( she WAS after all blonde).
Passing a field full of sheep & spying the farmer, she rolls down the window and hollers " Hey farmer, interested in a proposition"? -
The farmer, thinking something is up says "Why hell yeah"
The blond says "If I can guess how many sheep you have in that field, would you give me one"?
The farmer, saddened, says " Well Yeah, I suppose so"
The girl says "386"
The farmer, staggered, says " Why yes, thats exactly right - - go & pick any sheep you want"
The girl grabs one & throws it in the back of the shovie.
The farmer says - "Can I make you a proposition"?
The girl says "Why, yes"
The farmer says " If I can guess your ORIGINAL hair color, - will you give me back my DOG"?
Passing a field full of sheep & spying the farmer, she rolls down the window and hollers " Hey farmer, interested in a proposition"? -
The farmer, thinking something is up says "Why hell yeah"
The blond says "If I can guess how many sheep you have in that field, would you give me one"?
The farmer, saddened, says " Well Yeah, I suppose so"
The girl says "386"
The farmer, staggered, says " Why yes, thats exactly right - - go & pick any sheep you want"
The girl grabs one & throws it in the back of the shovie.
The farmer says - "Can I make you a proposition"?
The girl says "Why, yes"
The farmer says " If I can guess your ORIGINAL hair color, - will you give me back my DOG"?
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Back to the top!
Hey, it's been almost two weeks since anyone posted here. Come on!! There must be some more good jokes out there.
Okay, here's one: Pontiac Aztek.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; '98 F-150 XL-SC, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette; and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls.
GREAT trucks!
Hey, it's been almost two weeks since anyone posted here. Come on!! There must be some more good jokes out there.
Okay, here's one: Pontiac Aztek.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; '98 F-150 XL-SC, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette; and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls.
GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Okay Shifter,
Lost track what's been out there, let's try this one:
During the first week of marriage, two deaf people find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights out, because they can't see each other using sign language.
After many nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, if you want to have sex with me when the lights are out, just reach over and squeeze my left breast once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze the right breast once."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Okay, and if you want to have sex with me, just reach over and pull on my ***** once, And if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and pull on my *****.......fifty times."
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Lost track what's been out there, let's try this one:
During the first week of marriage, two deaf people find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights out, because they can't see each other using sign language.
After many nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, if you want to have sex with me when the lights are out, just reach over and squeeze my left breast once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze the right breast once."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Okay, and if you want to have sex with me, just reach over and pull on my ***** once, And if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and pull on my *****.......fifty times."
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Thought you might get a kick out of this:
_________________
FROM: Ms. Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party. Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our principal dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^ &*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Ms. Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; '98 F-150 XL-SC, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette; and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls.
GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 10-16-2000).]
_________________
FROM: Ms. Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party. Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our principal dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^ &*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Ms. Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; '98 F-150 XL-SC, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette; and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls.
GREAT trucks!
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 10-16-2000).]
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Jack, the Shovie driver (notice how I wove in that part about the truck!) woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Jack called his little boy in the room and asked him to “take this note to your beautiful Mommy.” The note read:
The tent pole is up,
The canvas is spread,
The hell with breakfast,
Come back to bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to “take this to your silly Daddy”. The note read:
Take the tentpole down,
Put the canvas away,
The Monkey had a hemorrhage,
No circus today.
Jack read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then he asked his son to take it back to “the lady in the kitchen.” The note read:
The tentpole’s still up,
And the canvas is still spread,
So drop what your doing,
And give me some head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to “take this to the poor dude upstairs.” The note read:
I’m sure that your pole’s
The best in the land,
But I’m busy right now,
So take care of it by hand!
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; '98 F-150 XL-SC, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette; and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls.
GREAT trucks!
The tent pole is up,
The canvas is spread,
The hell with breakfast,
Come back to bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to “take this to your silly Daddy”. The note read:
Take the tentpole down,
Put the canvas away,
The Monkey had a hemorrhage,
No circus today.
Jack read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then he asked his son to take it back to “the lady in the kitchen.” The note read:
The tentpole’s still up,
And the canvas is still spread,
So drop what your doing,
And give me some head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to “take this to the poor dude upstairs.” The note read:
I’m sure that your pole’s
The best in the land,
But I’m busy right now,
So take care of it by hand!
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; '98 F-150 XL-SC, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette; and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls.
GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Hey, folks, how about a little help here!
____________
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot! He drives a Chevie truck!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew".
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; '98 F-150 XL-SC, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette; and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls.
GREAT trucks!
____________
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot! He drives a Chevie truck!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew".
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.
My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; '98 F-150 XL-SC, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette; and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls.
GREAT trucks!
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Well, folks, I see I'm still the only one feeding this great thread. Surely (don't call me Shirley: Airplane 1) there must be more good jokes out there. Anyway, here goes:
____________________
SENILITY PRAYER AND "TOP 20" THINGS I HAVE LEARNED:
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m ‘older’ (and refuse to grow up), here’s the Top 20 things I’ve learned:
ONE - I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
TWO - My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
THREE - I finally got my head together. Now my body is falling apart.
FOUR - I don’t remember being absent minded...
FIVE - All reports are now in; life is officially declared “unfair”.
SIX - If all is not lost, where the hell is it?
SEVEN - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT - Some days you’re the dog. Some days you’re the hydrant.
NINE - I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few more.
TEN - Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN - Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE - It’s hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN - Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re sitting on the toilet bowl.
FOURTEEN - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN - When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN - It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere!
SEVENTEEN - The only difference between a rut and a grave is depth.
EIGHTEEN - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then I wonder what I’m here after.
NINETEEN – Ah, ah. Dammit. Can’t remember the other two. In fact, I’m UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I SENT THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT, AND I DOUBT THAT YOU CAN EITHER. I give up.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, rear fender inner splash shields (TSB 00-09-05), FORD box liner.
My third F-series. The other two: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; and '98 F-150 XL-SC, XLS package, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette.
GREAT trucks!
____________________
SENILITY PRAYER AND "TOP 20" THINGS I HAVE LEARNED:
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m ‘older’ (and refuse to grow up), here’s the Top 20 things I’ve learned:
ONE - I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
TWO - My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
THREE - I finally got my head together. Now my body is falling apart.
FOUR - I don’t remember being absent minded...
FIVE - All reports are now in; life is officially declared “unfair”.
SIX - If all is not lost, where the hell is it?
SEVEN - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT - Some days you’re the dog. Some days you’re the hydrant.
NINE - I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few more.
TEN - Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN - Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE - It’s hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN - Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re sitting on the toilet bowl.
FOURTEEN - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN - When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN - It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere!
SEVENTEEN - The only difference between a rut and a grave is depth.
EIGHTEEN - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then I wonder what I’m here after.
NINETEEN – Ah, ah. Dammit. Can’t remember the other two. In fact, I’m UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I SENT THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT, AND I DOUBT THAT YOU CAN EITHER. I give up.
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, rear fender inner splash shields (TSB 00-09-05), FORD box liner.
My third F-series. The other two: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; and '98 F-150 XL-SC, XLS package, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette.
GREAT trucks!