Okay, time to feed this baby again:
_________________________

The Pentagon recently found it had too many top-level generals and such and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any of their top people who retired straight away his full annual salary and benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first to come forward was the top Air Force commander. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a cheque for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hand to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.

When the third one, a grizzled old Marine admiral, was asked where to measure. He told the pension man: “From the tip of my ***** to the bottom of my *********.”

The pension man suggested that perhaps the admiral might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two high-ranking officials received. The admiral insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer in to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the admiral to drop ‘em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the admiral’s ***** and began to work back. “My God!” he exclaimed. “Where are your *********?”

“In Vietnam,” the admiral exclaimed. "Keep measuring."

 

> THE TOP TWENTY-one WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED
>
> 20) The cucumber has left the salad.
>
> 19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
>
> 18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
>
> 17) You've got Windows on your laptop.
>
> 16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
>
> 15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
>
> 14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
>
> 13) You need to bring your tray table to the
> upright and locked position.
>
> 12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
>
> 11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
>
> 10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
>
> 9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
>
> 8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
>
> 7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
>
> 6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
>
> 5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
>
> 4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
>
> 3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
>
> 2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
>
> and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped..
>
> 1) I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

and the number one way to tell a Ford driver their fly is open...

Don't look now, but your F-150 has backed out of the garage.

------------------
The GO 4D IT SuperCrew '01 SuperCrew XLT 4x2 (second generation): 5.4L, Limited Slip, Black, 5-Spoke Rims, Dark Cloth, Capt. Chairs, Power Seat, Steps, Extender, Moonroof, 6-disc manual CD changer; Ford/Duraliner, '86 Mustang rear mats as humpmats.

(for sale) The GO 4D IT Ranger: '93 Ranger XLT SuperCab 4x2: 65K miles; 4.0L; Limited Slip; Black; Alum. Rims; A.C.; Power windows, mirrors, and locks; CD Player; Hard Tonneau; Running Boards.

"First On Race Day" I used to root for the Valvoline car and the Ford Credit/Quality Care car. Now I have to root for the Viagra car and the UPS car. What's the world coming to?

 

LOL you guys are hilarious! I've been reading through these posts the last few days and just busting out laughing! I don't really have many funny jokes to post, but I will bump this to the top and say thanks! . My co-workers have been getting good laughs as I copy the funniest ones and e-mail them around. By the way, the one about the perfect day for a man vs. the perfect day for a women was absolutely a riot!

 

A 27-year-old white male resident of Wimbledon was arrested in a pumpkin patch on Friday, and charged with lewd behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect stated that he was driving past a pumpkin patch when he was overcome with an insatiable desire. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a jailhouse interview.

He pulled over, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it," he commented with evident embarrassment.
The man failed to notice the approach of a Wimbledon Municipal police car, and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said the officer. "I walked up and he's just working away at this pumpkin. I went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He was startled at first, then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?'"

 

Glad you like them, mattbert. Hope your co-workers liked them, too, and passed them on to others.

Hey, you can't take life too seriously! Thanks to Andthensometoo for starting this thread. And to Steve, the Webmaster, for the server space.

I was thinking, if you started reading at the beginning of this thread, using your computer at work, and went all the way through, you could be still going at it and laughing out loud a whole day later. Warning! If you try reading them all from scratch at work, watch out you don't get fired, everyone. People going past your workstation might think you've blown your brain cells.

Merry Christmas everyone!




------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, rear fender inner splash shields (TSB 00-09-05), FORD box liner.

My third F-series (ordered new, personally). The other two: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; and '98 F-150 XL-SC, XLS package, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette.

GREAT trucks!

 

Several years ago, NHTSA placed little black boxes on some trucks in Texas, Alabama, and a few other states, just to record the last few seconds that occurs just before major impacts. The results are now in:

Most states: Last words from driver: "Oh ****"
Texas: Last words: "Hold my beer and watch this"..........

 

3 brothers from China (Bu,Chu and Fu) decided to emigrate to the USA.
After a couple of months,when they had settled down and were accustomed to the American way of live,they decided to change their names so they would sound more American.

Bu changed his name to Buck,

Chu changed his name to Chuck,

and Fu .........................

went back to China.

 

a ford dodge and chevy driver all die and go to heaven and god forewarns them that if they step on one of his creatures they will have to walk around with a very ugly woman so the dodge driver accidentally steps on one and he has to walk with the ugly woman the ford driver is calm and relaxed and gets a beautiful angel to join him for eternity..one day he sees the chevy driver with a beeautifuul angel aslo and asks...youre a fool you drove a chevy on earth how did you manage to get with a woman of this quailty before the driver could reply the angel says .....i stepped on one of gods little creatures

 

A Tale of Two Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned and killed his father many years earlier.

This fact upset him enormously. He said to the female: "I want to get that ship! Let's swim under the ship and we'll both blow out our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

This they tried and, sure enough, the ship rose up, turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors were still alive and swimming to the safety of the shore.

Enraged, the male whale told the female "Hey, they're getting away! Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him and he asked her why.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I'm not crazy about swallowing the seamen".

 

BoardMan, i saw a post you made a while back on page two. Where did you see the bumper sticker that said "not an abandoned vehicle"? The reason i ask is that i have never seen one but had a license plate holder made up that said that. There is a story behind it in my case and I know its a long shot but thought maybe you saw me on the road somewhere or heard about it on another post.

 

a shovie driver gets stuck out in a snow storm. as he is driving along he sees a snow plow up in front of him. He gets behind it and figures he will just follow the plow and he can keep rolling. After about an hour following the snow plow the plow driver signals the chevy driver to pull over. So he pulls over and they get out. The snow plow driver says to him "i am done with this WalMart, do you want to follow me over to the KMart parking lot now?"

 

That same Shovie driver had been drinking at a tavern all evening. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing, so the Shovie driver stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The tavern called. You idiot, you left your wheelchair there again.”

------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, rear fender inner splash shields (TSB 00-09-05), FORD box liner.

My third F-series (ordered new). The other two: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; and '98 F-150 SC short-box XL, XLS package, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette.

GREAT trucks!

 

The Perfect Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
>"Hello?"
>"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
>"Yes."
>"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
>"What's the price?"
>"Only $1,500.00"
>"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
>"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
>"What price did he quote you?"
>"Only $60,000..."
>"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
>"What?"
>"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
>"How much are they asking?"
>"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
>"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
>"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
>"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

A Ford truck owner was at the drugstore and, after buying a few things, he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout cash. After about 15 minutes in the line, he reached the checkout woman -- a really hot-looking babe -- and, just at that moment, he remembered that he needed some condoms.

Not wanting to line up again he said to the young woman “Oh, I meant to buy some condoms but forgot.”

“Do you know what size you are?” she asked. "No, he replied.” “OK, let me check and I’ll tell you what size you are,” she said.

The Ford guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers right there and the woman reaches down and has a feel with her hand. She then says in the microphone: “One packet of large condoms to aisle 3, please.” He pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him, he pays his bill and goes on his way.

Another male customer, a Dodge Ram owner, sees this and thinks he, too, would like to have this hot chick fondling his member, so he says the same thing to the cashier. A similar course of events takes place, only this time, after having a feel, she says into the mike: “One packet of medium-sized condoms to aisle 3, please.” The condoms are then brought to him and Dodge lad pays the bill and goes on his way.

Watching this interesting course of events was a Chevy truck owner, who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. “I’d like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot,” he says. “Do you know what size you are?” “No.”

“OK, I’ll check. Whoops! Mop and bucket to aisle 3, please.”

 

One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: “Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added: “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said: “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Minnesota, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Minnesota,” the manager asked. The boy said, “Well, there’s nothing but ****** and hockey players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Minnesota.”

Quickly, the boy replied: “No kidding? What team did she play for?”