eph1fifty..those were some nice additions to the list!

I can't say how many I am guilty of!

 

I just pulled a "102" on some telemarketer wanting to sell knives or something? Hung up faster than usual though? lol

 

Good one, gofish! Here's another one:
__________________

Two Shev-row-lay truck guys were playing golf together for the first time and after completing the first hole one golfer discovers he didn't bring a pen, so he says to his partner "Can I borrow your pen to write my score down?".

His partner pulls out a huge 12-inch Bic ball-point pen and says "Here..try this!"
The first guy says "Where on earth did you get a pen that big from?" His partner replied "My Genie got it for me. Would you like to see him? I keep him right here in my golf bag."

Sure enough he pulls out the little Genie, hands him over to the other guy and says: "Here, go ahead and make a wish." Quick as a flash the first guy rubs the Genie and says: "Give me a million bucks."

The next minute the sky darkens overhead and a million ducks fly by. "Oops”, his partner said, "I forget to tell you my Genie is hard of hearing. How else do you think I got this twelve-inch Bic!"

 

Dustoff, I'm guilty for
1, 8, 9, 27, 29, 48, 50, 51, 55, 56, 89, 93, 98, and 100

Also

101: In chat rooms, make sure not one word has the proper spelling and typography!

102: When someone calls asking for you, you change your voice over 10 times to simulate or "pretend" your the president of a large corporation with many stupid secretaries.

103: Same as 102 but pretend to put the caller on hold and sing your own personal brand of elevator music.

104: Put a dab of liquid paper on someone's screen. Then tell the boss that the person doesn't know how to use a computer.

105: In the printing room, always empty the paper from the printers.

106: In an office with all printers connected to a network. Print out **** photos on someone else's local printer. (I love that one )

107: Set up a bell or timer to ring every 15 minuts. When it rings race to the bathroom and lock yourself in. Make the loudest dumbest noises you can think off!

108: Change the 35watt lights in people's lamps to 100watt lights.

109: Go to the caffeteria and switch the contents of everyone's lunch bags around!

110: During the winter, get a shovel and "move" a big snow bank to over a victoms car!

Well I'm a bad boy

 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

 

Thought this was cute, especially for those with "a better half".

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

 

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here,
years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.Chinese
food is
loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have,
or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

 

The blonde was having a hard time making ends meet and decided to
hire herself out as a handywoman and decided she would take whatever
kind of work was available to make a few extra dollars.
She walked up to a neighbor's house and asked what she could do
for them that they would be willing to pay her to do.
The husband said, "Well, the porch needs to be painted. Will you
do it for $50.00?" The blonde looked around the house and said, "Sure, I'll
be happy to do it!" The wife said, "Are you sure she can handle this?
You didn't even tell her that the porch runs all the way around three sides
of the house." The hubby replied, "Why, did she look dumb to you?" and the
wife responded,"No, I guess not. It's just all those 'dumb blonde'
jokes I hear all the time are probably just sticking in my mind. Sorry."
So, about four hours later, the blonde comes to the door again and
tells the man that she's finished and that there was some paint left over,
so she actually painted a second coat! The guy is totally impressed and
pays the blonde the $50.00.
Just before she left she said, "By the way, it's not a porch, it's
a Lexus!"

 

flatlander: sheesh ya trying to get me fired or what. that one was good.
many of these are hilarious sure breaks up the day to come here for a joke or two.

 

WHOA!!!!! When pumpkins get drunk......



------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs



[This message has been edited by JD (edited 01-31-2001).]

 

Sign over a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.



------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

> > One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they
> > are about to
> > kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a
> > little horny.
> >
> > With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
> > against the wall
> > and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you
> > give me a *******?"
> >
> > Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will
> > see us!"
> >
> > Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
> >
> > Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
> >
> >
> > Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
> > sleeping!"
> >
> > Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
> >
> > Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you
> > so much?!?"
> >
> > Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just
> > can't!"
> >
> > Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
> >
> > Her: "No, no. I just can't"
> >
> > Him: "I beg you ... "
> >
> > Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on,
> > and the girl's
> > sister shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled,
> > and in a sleepy
> > voice she says:
> >
> > "Dad says to go ahead and give him a *******.
> > Otherwise I can do it. Or mom can do it. Or
> > if need be, dad says he can come down
> > himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to
> > take his hand off the intercom..."
> >

 

THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness".

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL
NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens...somebody will find a way to take
it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always
one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.

10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not
a nice person.

11. Never lick a steak knife.

12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
age, gender religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant ... unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on
except his boots! The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing
walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and
we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we started a kissin' and a-cuddlin' some more and things
got pretty hot and heavy.
Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the
same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots.
Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to
town!' ... I guess I'm the first one here!

 

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
>"Da-ad..."
>"What?"
>"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
>"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
>Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a
>drink of water??"
>"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
>Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
>"WHAT??!!"
>"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
>

>An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
>mischief,finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
>The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and
>out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
>says 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"