Grandpa & Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa. "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50 bill." The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110." "I know," said Grandpa. The extra hundred is from Grandma."

 

THE FOLLOWING ARE STAGES OF SUCCESS:
AGE 4 - NOT PEEING YOUR PANTS
AGE 12- HAVING FRIENDS
AGE 15- HAVING A DRIVERS LICENSE
AGE 20- HAVING SEX
AGE 35- HAVING MONEY
AGE 50 HAVING MONEY
AGE 60- HAVING SEX
AGE 70- HAVING A DRIVERS LICENSE
AGE 75- HAVING FRIENDS
AGE 80- NOT PEEING YOUR PANTS

 

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can
go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "Oh,
she ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing
her home."

 

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: T T T 1A. She looked at the children and said, "Who wrote this?" Little Johnny (isn't there always a "Little Johnny in these stories?) raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."
"Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" asked the teacher. Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple,'" and with that, he gave the teacher an apple. "Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You."
The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once
again, something written on the board. This time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O." She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"
Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher."
The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?" Bobby says, "It
means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'" and he gives the teacher an orange.
"Very good, Bobby, thank you."
The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the board "F U C K 1 T."
Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!!" Then little Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."
Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"
"It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale.'"

 

Ok, there was this dog and his master out on the African Plains and he gets separated from his master. Well he's just kinda standing there and he notices this Cheetah(sp?) a ways off charging right at him. Well instead of running the dog turns his back to the Cheetah and starts chewing on some bones that are laying there. Well, just before the Cheetah is about to pounce, the dog says "mmmmm.....that was a good Cheetah, I wonder if I can find another one to eat."

Well the Cheetah hears this and stops mid stride and slinks back into the trees. He walks away thinking "Boy, I'm glad I got outta there in one piece."

Well a monkey sitting in a nearby tree saw the whole thing and decides to go make a deal with the Cheetah. Well the dog notices the monkey swinging away through the tree's going really fast, so he figured something was wrong, so he follows him.

The monkey finds the Cheetah and tells him what the dog did. Needless to say the Cheetah was a little mad that he was duped by the dog, and the 2 make a deal.

The Cheetah tells the monkey to ride on his back while they went to find the dog. It turned out that the dog was hiding back in the trees and saw the whole thing. Well the Cheetah and the monkey finally see the dog and instead of running the dog just pretends not to notice them. When the Cheetah and the monkey get close the dog says "Where is that damned monkey!!!! I sent him out over an hour ago to bring me back another Cheetah to eat!"

 

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend (shovie owner)with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them
off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."

 

Hey guys, do you know what happens when you sing a country song backwards?

Your dog comes back, you aren't fired anymore, wife comes back home, it quits raining....

 

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is
advising hikers,hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as
little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears
unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray,
in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch
for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the
difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and
possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like
pepper spray.

 

error in judgment

[This message has been edited by Raoul (edited 03-06-2001).]

 

Funny people or idiots? You be the judge!!!

1. I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for
a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have a half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the answer.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I Dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

3. Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

4. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

IDIOTS AT WORK.

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

1. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I have smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

1. I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

2. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy."
*******

 

Ok first post but I do love a good joke so this is the best thread for me to start with... hope you enjoy.

A chicken farmer's rooster dies and he's got to get a new one. He starts doing a lot off research on getting the best rooster he can.
He's talking to some friends, reading message boards, magazines etc..(you get the idea) anyway he comes across an ad for a Super Rooster availble via the internet, $199.99 + 4.95 shipping and handling please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. All the stats on this thing are great just what he is wanting to kinda "stir" things up a bit. So he orders it and waits.

4-6 weeks later it gets there. The farmer excitedly turns the rooster loose in the hen house and the feathers start to fly!!
He walks away with a grin.

Farmer comes back about an hour later, feathers are starting to settle, the cat is hiding, the dog looks exasuted, cows are looking around going WTF!?! (again you get the idea)
but the farmer doesn't see the rooster anywhere. Then in the sky over the pasture he notices some buzzards circling something.
He goes to see what has died and discovers his brand new Super Rooster lying there not moving.

The farmer walks over to the rooster looks down at it and says with a grimmace "umm umm umm, done screwed yourself to death aintcha boy"
Rooster looks up and says "shhh they're geting closer"

 

Ok, for all you girls...just turn your back on this one. How many men does it take to open a beer?...None, it should be open by the time she gets it to you.

 

Back to the top!
_______________________

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed, speaking to the moms.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating sweets. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, ****, let's go."

 

Once agian...this is probably going to offend the women on this board....On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands
up in the front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be
memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a
woman," he says. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with long, flowing black
hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt....one button at a time.
.....................................No one moves.
.....................................He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman,
.....................................And whispers:
..................................."Iron this."

 

Things I MUST remember as a dog:
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or
under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for dad's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across
the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just
because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he
makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.