An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring."
So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself.
"How did you loose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter.
"Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate.
"OK", said the clerk, "How did you loose your hand?"
"Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand."
The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked,
"Is that how you lost your eye?
"Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it crapped in me eye."
"You don’t loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk.
"But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.

 

Shifter,
You know...I could have sworn I saw that joke somewhere else that day...

Could be wrong but the odds of that?!?!?!

 

I don't know, PBcrisis. Things fly around on e-mail and sometimes you get stuff in stereo. Loved the dog one and that pirate joke had me LOL -- I love jokes you can just picture.

I don't think this one is new, but it's good:
________

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you...you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don’t go so well.
In this case, things aren’t going so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion, “Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?”

Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son. I just don’t want any of them ba$tards sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

 

HEY! I take offense to that joke!

1st, no self respecting Irishman would go to a doctor! 2nd, the only way an Irishman will die is if he choked on the "Kitty Box Crunchies" or tried to kill a fly on the back of his head with his hooked hand!



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'99 Ford F-150 Lariat, 4WD, SCab, ORP, LS/3.73, Tow Pkg, 5.4L
* Superchip
* K&N FIPK GEN II
'99 Chrysler 300M, PHP, Sunroof, Premium Infinity Sound, 3.5L
* Borla Cat-Bak
* K&N Filtercharger
www.atlantagamerz.com
www.f150online.com
www.300mclub.org

 

The cracked water pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up
the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it
some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there.
There is a lot of good in us! Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life! Or as I like to think of it -- if it hadn't been for the crackpots in my life, it would have been nearly so interesting...
Thank you all my cracked pot friends...

 

Hey......just because I think differently than everyone else.

 

Two guys had been fishing and drinking beer all day. On the way back home, they stopped for gas and they heard about a sobriety checkpoint that the sheriff had setup. The guys knew the sheriff would know they had been drinking. So, they grabbed a couple of their empty bottles. They proceeded to peel the Bud labels off and stick them to their foreheads. When the guys came up on the checkpoint, the sheriff asked the guys “Have you been drinking?” The guys replied, “No sheriff, we’re on the patch”.

 

Four guys are driving together in a car. One is from Idaho, one is from Iowa, One is from Wisconsin, and one is from Minnesota.
After a while, the man from Idaho reaches into his bag and starts throwing
potatoes out of the car window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks,
"What are you doing that for?" The man from Idaho replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho, I am sick of them!"
A few miles further down the road, the man from Iowa reaches into his bag and begins throwing ears of corn out the car window. The man from Minnesota looks at him in shock and asks, "What the heck are you doing that for?" The Iowan replies, "Man, we have so many of these worthless things in Iowa, I am sick of 'em!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Minnesota opens the car door and pushes out the man from Wisconsin.

 

Not a truck joke but still a good joke.

PADDY AND SADDAM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you."

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said
Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team
from the pub -- that makes eight."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks, 14,000 armored personnel carriers, and my army has
increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've
modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the ****pit, and the bridge team has joined us as well."

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes,
my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to
two million men."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

 

Tips For Traveling In The South

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'"
is plural
possessive.

4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying:
they can't understand you either.

6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your
Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.

7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

8. If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of
the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.

9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned
to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the
proper speed and position for that vehicle.

10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and
are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.

11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.

12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.

13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a
kind-hearted southerner to fix your busted head with duct tape.

14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.

15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon
isn't.

16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos
on the Ark.

17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some southerners view
that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.

18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested
to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in
a hole it couldn't get out of."

19. "Ya'll come back now, ya here," is a temporary statement. We love
Yankees to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.

20. If you decide to stay in the South and bear children, don't think we
will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

 

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for 40 years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing; tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean," asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But..... by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

 

Kindergarten class had a homework assignment: to find out about something exciting and relate it to the whole class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy called upon, well he walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a little white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was about that dot that was so exciting.

"It’s a period,” said the little boy.

“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Darned if I know,” said the little boy, "but this morning my sis was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”


[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 03-30-2001).]

 

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

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1998 F-150 3 doors
4.6L 5sp
limited slip 3.55

 

Ted, the Shovie owner, and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: “You, know, your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. “Yup, I was right. Your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!!!”

The wife chooses to ignore her nasty husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers: “You don't think I’m going to fire up this big-*** grill for one teenie little weenie like that, do you?”

 

TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

10. Nobody ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning .

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you put 'em.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

and the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked
...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8AM!"


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99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs