Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
This one is soooo cute! Please don't take offence.
________________
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber smiles down at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
“I know," she replies. "And t!ts, too!"
________________
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber smiles down at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
“I know," she replies. "And t!ts, too!"
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
A Shovie owner is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: “Olympic Condoms.” Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?” she enquires. “What makes them so special?”
“They’re in three colors,” he replies, “gold, silver, and bronze.”
“What color are you planning on wearing tonight?” she asks cheekily.
“Why, gold, of course,” says the Shovie owner proudly.
“Really?” she responds. “Why don’t you wear the silver tonight? It’d be nice if you came second for a change.”
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-10-2001).]
“Olympic condoms?” she enquires. “What makes them so special?”
“They’re in three colors,” he replies, “gold, silver, and bronze.”
“What color are you planning on wearing tonight?” she asks cheekily.
“Why, gold, of course,” says the Shovie owner proudly.
“Really?” she responds. “Why don’t you wear the silver tonight? It’d be nice if you came second for a change.”
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-10-2001).]
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
A Shovie owner (hey, they're supposed to be truck jokes, right?) walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The saleslady watches him and then asks him if she can
help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he shows up at the cash and deposits a huge bag of cotton ***** and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”.
The Shovie owner answers, “Well, ya. You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I asked my wife to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers and told me to save some money and roll my own. I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he shows up at the cash and deposits a huge bag of cotton ***** and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”.
The Shovie owner answers, “Well, ya. You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I asked my wife to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers and told me to save some money and roll my own. I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
Come on, folks, lets have a few more contributions to this thread!
______________________
A travelling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, “Don’t Miss the Amazing Army Aviator!” Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and
all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old grey-haired retired Army Aviator in uniform. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge ***** and smashes all three walnuts to pieces with three swings! The crowd erupts in amazement and applause as the elderly Army Aviator is carried off on the shoulders of two clowns.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same “Don’t Miss the Amazing Army Aviator.” He can’t believe the old guy is still alive much less still
doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on
the table. The Army Aviator stands before them, takes a deep breath, then unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts to powder with three swings of his mighty member. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible,” he tells the Army Aviator “But I have to know something. I saw you 10 years ago. You’re way older now, yet you switched from walnuts to coconuts. Why?”
“Well,” says the Army Aviator, “My eyes aren’t what they used to be!”
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-12-2001).]
______________________
A travelling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, “Don’t Miss the Amazing Army Aviator!” Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and
all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old grey-haired retired Army Aviator in uniform. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge ***** and smashes all three walnuts to pieces with three swings! The crowd erupts in amazement and applause as the elderly Army Aviator is carried off on the shoulders of two clowns.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same “Don’t Miss the Amazing Army Aviator.” He can’t believe the old guy is still alive much less still
doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on
the table. The Army Aviator stands before them, takes a deep breath, then unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts to powder with three swings of his mighty member. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible,” he tells the Army Aviator “But I have to know something. I saw you 10 years ago. You’re way older now, yet you switched from walnuts to coconuts. Why?”
“Well,” says the Army Aviator, “My eyes aren’t what they used to be!”
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-12-2001).]
Member
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 72
Likes: 0
From: Lawrenceville, GA
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 11
Likes: 0
From: Connecticut
Well here's one for ya'll
There's two potatoes standing on a coner. Which one's the prostitute?
The one with the bag over its head that says, "IDAHO". LOL
Bumper Sticker-
"Honk if parts fall off"-chevy
"I know it's a truck, but I beat ya didn't I?-ford
(picture of chicken and cat starring each other down and talking to each other) "chicken........*****"
Dunno if u can understand that one without seeing it but i tried.
Things Chevy should let their buyers know before they purchase
1. Body style wont be changed for another 12 years.
2. Them qaurter panels, door panels, bed's,and bumpers will be rusted out in about 5 years.
3. This aint a truck, it's just our new El Camino.
4. Fords are cheaper, tow more, and last longer........and oh yeah they update their body styles.
Things Chevy driver's tell themselves and friends-
They just don't change body styles but every 12 years because they created "perfection".
hahaha can't stop laughing at that one.
Isuzu makes good engines.
(new duramax)
That ford just beat me cus my foot slipped.
Well, i only replaced the engine cus i wanted to it didn't really need a new one.
That aint a rod knockin, it's supposed to sound like that.
Box shaped cars are cool.
woohoo 200,000 miles and only 4 engines.
Sorry for such a long reply hope some of them made ya laugh a little
Good day all!
I drive a 93' f 150 with 135,000 miles on it and the only thing it's neaded is a clutch and motor mounts. Besides the little things that all trucks need.
There's two potatoes standing on a coner. Which one's the prostitute?
The one with the bag over its head that says, "IDAHO". LOL
Bumper Sticker-
"Honk if parts fall off"-chevy
"I know it's a truck, but I beat ya didn't I?-ford
(picture of chicken and cat starring each other down and talking to each other) "chicken........*****"
Dunno if u can understand that one without seeing it but i tried.
Things Chevy should let their buyers know before they purchase
1. Body style wont be changed for another 12 years.
2. Them qaurter panels, door panels, bed's,and bumpers will be rusted out in about 5 years.
3. This aint a truck, it's just our new El Camino.
4. Fords are cheaper, tow more, and last longer........and oh yeah they update their body styles.
Things Chevy driver's tell themselves and friends-
They just don't change body styles but every 12 years because they created "perfection".
hahaha can't stop laughing at that one.
Isuzu makes good engines.
(new duramax)
That ford just beat me cus my foot slipped.
Well, i only replaced the engine cus i wanted to it didn't really need a new one.
That aint a rod knockin, it's supposed to sound like that.
Box shaped cars are cool.
woohoo 200,000 miles and only 4 engines.
Sorry for such a long reply hope some of them made ya laugh a little
Good day all!
I drive a 93' f 150 with 135,000 miles on it and the only thing it's neaded is a clutch and motor mounts. Besides the little things that all trucks need.
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 348
Likes: 0
From: Near Ottawa, Canada
NEW WORDS
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from
the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-19-2001).]
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from
the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.
[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 04-19-2001).]
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 11
Likes: 0
From: Connecticut
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Boardman:
Last one:
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
</font>
Last one:
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
</font>
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 99
Likes: 0
From: Naperville, IL
Id say that the only good if you were buying a chevy is that they DONT change the body style for 12 years. This way the truck just might look semi new for all those years.
I know im getting off the topic of jokes now but that stupid multi function stick on GMs???? (the turn signals, windshild wipers, lights, and cruise controll all in 1)I still dont understand how to use that one. If they want something really helpfull on that stick, they should make it a detachable adjustable wrench to make "quick fixes" on all the things that go wrong on their vehicles while driving.
Brian
------------------
98 F150 XLT Supercab 4X4
4.6L V8 3.55LS
Tonno Cover, Brush Guard, Dukes of Hazzard Dixie Horn, 2 150 watt KC Daylighters, Cobra CB Radio
http://hometown.aol.com/barto24/brianstruck.html
--------------------------
2000 Excursion Limited 4X4, Black, V-10, 3.73 LS, Tow Mirrors
[This message has been edited by Barto24 (edited 04-21-2001).]
I know im getting off the topic of jokes now but that stupid multi function stick on GMs???? (the turn signals, windshild wipers, lights, and cruise controll all in 1)I still dont understand how to use that one. If they want something really helpfull on that stick, they should make it a detachable adjustable wrench to make "quick fixes" on all the things that go wrong on their vehicles while driving.
Brian
------------------
98 F150 XLT Supercab 4X4
4.6L V8 3.55LS
Tonno Cover, Brush Guard, Dukes of Hazzard Dixie Horn, 2 150 watt KC Daylighters, Cobra CB Radio
http://hometown.aol.com/barto24/brianstruck.html
--------------------------
2000 Excursion Limited 4X4, Black, V-10, 3.73 LS, Tow Mirrors
[This message has been edited by Barto24 (edited 04-21-2001).]
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 518
Likes: 0
A TRAVLE SALESMEN DRIVING DOWN THE FREEWAY SEE THIS SIGN A BUCK AN APPLE NEXT EXIT SO HE STOPS A GETS A APPLE FOR BUCK EATS THE APPLE SAYS TO THE FARMER GOOD APPLE THE FARMER SAYS THERE A BETTER APPLE DOWN THE ROAD FOR A LITTLE MORE AND TASTES BETTER SO HE DRIVES DOWN THE ROAD 10 MILES LATER HE SEE THE NEXT SIGN APPLE FOR 5 BUCKS NEXT EXIT SO HE PULLS OVER CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT A FIVE DOLLAR APPLE TASTES LIKE TO AN ONE DOLLAR APPLE SO HE EATS THE APPLE AND SAYS TO THE FARMER THATS THE GREATEST APPLE EVER THE FARMER REPLIES THERE A FARMER DOWN THE ROAD WITH A BETTE APPLE THATS MORE EXPENISVE AND ITS REAL GOOD SO HE DRIVES DOWN THE ROAD THINKING ABOUT HIS APPLE HOW CAN IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THE ONE HE JUST ATE SO HE SEE THE SIGN 50 DOLLAR APPLE NEXT EXIT SO HE PULLS OVER AND ASK THE FARMER BEFORE HE BUYS THE APPLE FOR 50 BUCKS WHY IS HIS SO EXPENSIVE THE FARMERS SAYS MINE TASTE LIKE ***** SO THE SALEMEN SAY I GOTTA TRY THIS APPLE SO HE BUYS ONE APPLE AND TAKES A BIG BITE , HE SPITS IT OUT AND SAYS MAN THIS TASTE LIKE ****!!! THE FARMERS SAYS TURN IT AROUND!!!
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note--must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ***.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7.Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at your self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
woo woo
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note--must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ***.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7.Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at your self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
woo woo
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
Two truck owners (a FORD lover and a Shovie owner)were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
FORD OWNER: "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?"
SHOVIE OWNER: "Well... not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
FORD OWNER: "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
SHOVIE OWNER "Well... not exactly.... I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
FORD OWNER: "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?"
SHOVIE OWNER: "Well... not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
FORD OWNER: "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
SHOVIE OWNER "Well... not exactly.... I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid
a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc,
and I'm really worried," said the husband.
"My ***** is turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me
examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure
enough, the husband's ***** is blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the
diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
The doctor asked, "And what kind of jelly are
you using with it?"
"Grape."
a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc,
and I'm really worried," said the husband.
"My ***** is turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me
examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure
enough, the husband's ***** is blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the
diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
The doctor asked, "And what kind of jelly are
you using with it?"
"Grape."