I like it MNFORD but I think you messed up-
When he asked if he could borrow the dog the man should have told him to get into line. That would explain the 200 in single file.

 

Cooltrucks: Your story of the dentist and the latex gloves reminded me of the guy who was born with an unusual deformity -- he had five penises! Had to have special condoms made. Luckily, they fit him like a glove.

 

Ford4Fun-
Thanks....I missed that line....thought that it sounded weird when I read it after writing it.....Oh well, left people hanging...

 

Got this one from an email:

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops.

"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.



[This message has been edited by InfiniteMhz (edited 02-07-2001).]

 

Good one, InfiniteMhz! I like it! Here's a short one for Canadian readers:
_________________________

CBC Television is developing an Alberta version of "Survivor", the popular TV show. The rules are simple:

Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a rusty old Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:

"I voted for Chretien, I'm gay and I'm here to take your guns."

The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner.

 

Seen on a bumper sticker recently

Help!,The Paranoids are after me!

Dave

 

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought,just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a
sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."




------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

--not sure how new this really is..but here goes....

The long awaited Latest edition of the Darwin
"Natural Selection" Awards-Criminal Category have been released!
These awards are given each year to bestow upon that individual, who through isolation by incarceration, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.


RUNNER-UP # 9
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

RUNNER-UP # 8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact
over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

RUNNER-UP # 7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and
mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

RUNNER-UP # 6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

RUNNER-UP # 5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a
photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

RUNNER-UP # 4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge"
in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed
it over so the judge could see it. The judge
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

RUNNER-UP # 3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store
manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been
the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

RUNNER-UP # 2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan
gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

RUNNER-UP # 1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

THE WINNER
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars
were lost "in a series of small fires." The
insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the
man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars
he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

 

A father asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the
bees."I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

 

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the
baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey,Bubba! You just had you a son! Aint dat grand!!"
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and
said,"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!" She a pretty lil ting, too....
Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had youself another boy!"
When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do." Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we
didn't use no WD-40!

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,
set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later,
The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
What does that tell you?", asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto Ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful
and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
"Tonto, you dumb ***, someone has stolen our tent."

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,
set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later,
The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
What does that tell you?", asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto Ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful
and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
"Tonto, you dumba&&, someone has stolen our tent."

 

Hey, I like that one, MNFord99. Bubba, meet Clarence and Boudreaux. Here's one Texans might have heard before.
_____________________

A Shovie owner, who also happened to be a lawyer shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going into retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied. “This is my land and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant Shovie driver said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The Shovie owner asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until
one of us gives up.”

The Shovie owner quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Shovie owner summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot now it’s my turn.”

(I love this part......)

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”


------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, rear fender inner splash shields (TSB 00-09-05), FORD box liner.

My third F-series (ordered new). The other two: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; and '98 F-150 SC short-box XL, XLS package, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 ls, FM-cassette.

GREAT trucks!

[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 02-15-2001).]

 

There are certain things that just do not exist in the southern dictionary. In my whole time there, no matter how drunk them good ol southern boys were, no matter what caliber gun was being held to their head and no matter how much sex they are being offered, you will never hear a southerner say the following:

30.Oh I just couldn't; Hell, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. We don't keep firearms in this house.

24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

23. You can't feed that to the dog.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.

17.Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

16. I thought Graceland was tacky.

15.No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

14. Honey, we don't need another dog.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

11. Wrestling's fake.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. The tires on that truck are too big.

8. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts, and would you please bring my
salad dressing on the side.

7. What nice body this Merlot has.

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

3. You All.

2. Checkmate.

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

 

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \ What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ What the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ Brought litigation against a government official