Buying A Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing
the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed
their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull
for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me
and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can
sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the
nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and
drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you
to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you
send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slow."
*************************************
Ol' Doc Carver

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was
called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in
and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a
hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair
of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to
Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument
bag open."
*********************************
Strength Vs. Age

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's
see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."


------------------
1999 XL, 2WD, standard cab, short bed, sport package, nascar package, bright red, V-6, 5 speed, Rockford Fosgate CD player, Pioneer 6x8. class 3 hitch, fog lights, Black Rhino Lining
http://www.geocities.com/bassbuster/truck.html

 

While on a trip overseas a man parties with some really skanky hookers. Upon his return, he's horrified to discover his ***** is black and green and oozing pus.

He goes to his family doctor who takes one look and says: "I'm sorry, your ***** will have to be amputated.

Wanting a second opinion, the businessman goes to a specialist in venereal diseases who takes one look, gasps in disgust, and says "I'm sorry, your ***** will have to be amputated."

Desperate, the man goes to a Chinese herbalist and says: "Please help me.
The doctors are telling me I have to have my ***** amputated!"

The wise old Chinese herbalist examines the man, clucks his tongue, and
says:
"Those Western doctor - they only interested in money! You no need amputation!"

Immensely relieved, the man says: "I don't?"

"No! You wait ten day - it fall off all by itself!"


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99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs



[This message has been edited by JD (edited 09-20-2000).]

 

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other
and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow."


------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
---------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
--------------------------------------------- Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
---------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or Tofu" "Cardamom." For all I know these are all the same thing.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
---------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it though but I will survive.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-- I mean, how could he know where we're going?
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your Mother, or have your Mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay,I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

This has been a public Service message for the Female to better understand the Male.

 

Women think they already know everything. But wait!
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:


1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet
Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the
First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without
Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women
Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only


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99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

> Words of wisdom from children...
> >
> > 1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10
> > 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
> > answer him. Michael, 14
> > 3. Never tell your Mom her diet's not working. Michael, 14
> > 4. Stay away from prunes. Randy, 9
> > 5. Never pee on an electric fence. Robert, 13
> > 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. Noronha, 13
> > 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. Emily, 10
> > 8. When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your
> > hair.Taylia, 11
> > 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room your
> > school assignment. Traci, 14
> > 10. Don't sneeze in front of Mom when you're eating crackers.
> > Mitchell, 12
> > 11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic taco - Andrew,
> > 9
> > 12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. Kyoyo, 9
> > 13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Armir, 9
> > 14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. Kellie, 11
> > 15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.Naomi,
> > 15
> > 16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. Lauren, 9
> > 17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
> > Joel, 10
> > 18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's
> > on the phone. Alyesha, 13
> > 19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8


------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

500 posts on this thread -- absolutely amazing. Thanks ATST for starting it. There's some great stuff here for anyone new to the thread. Go back to some of the early pages and you'll cramp up laughing!

------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.

My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!

 

Understanding women’s English

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting and furniture and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.
I’ll be ready in a minute = I’ll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.


------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.

My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!

 

A young guy from Texas moves to California and
goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do
you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a
salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him
the
job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many
sales did you make today?" Kid says,"One." The boss says, "Just one? Our
sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says,
"$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I
sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold
him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down at
the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4X4 F150 Lariat." The boss said, "A guy
came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

 

Jesus is up on the cross.
He calls to Peter, "Peter, come here."
Peter climbs up the hill to within 30 paces but is beaten up and rolled back down the hill by the centurions.
Jesus calls again,"Peter, come here."
Peter gets to his knees, summons his will, and trudges back up the hill towards the cross. About 20 ft. from the cross he is about to call to Jesus, but the centurions catch him again and really beat him badly, and roll him down the hill again.
Jesus, getting impatient, calls again,"Peter, Peter, why don't you come? I'm calling you, with my last breath!"
Peter gathers his strength, puts his head down, charges up the hill and fights through the gauntlet of guards. Finally, painfully, he hoists himself up to a standing position while clutching the cross.
He looks up and says, "Jesus, I'm here. I made it. What do you want?"
Jesus replies, "Lo, Peter, I can see your house from here."

 

Ive got a problem with the joke about the guy from texas moving to Calif. no texan would ever move out of this great state. im just kidding.
this has gotta be the thread most posted to on this site.

[This message has been edited by bomber (edited 09-23-2000).]

 

Jesus is up on the cross (part two - posted with respect).

It's been a while since he was put up there with the two thieves. Things are quiet now and the crowd's gone home. A little boy walks up to him and calls out to him. "Jesus? Is there anything I can do to help you?" Jesus looks down and says "Yes, child, there is. Go home and get a hammer. Come back and pull out these nails."

The kid returns with a hammer and climbs up on the cross. Taking the hammer, he pulls out the nail from Jesus's left hand. "Thanks, my child, that feels much better," says Jesus. The kid pulls out the nail from Jesus's right hand. "Wow, that's great!" says Jesus, wringing his hands together softly, touching the nail holes and getting some feeling back.

Just then he howls out loudly and starts to pitch forward: "Oooooooooooooh, sheeee-dang it! Forgot the foot nail."

[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 09-24-2000).]

 

Have you heard about that American,carrying
a tire in his left hand and carrying 365 condoms in his right hand ?

?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
No!!!!

Really !! You didn't hear about that guy carrying a GoodYear in his left hand and a Very Good Year in his right hand.

LMETB

 

Some clever guys from Holland (oops methaphor)ENDEMOL Productions sold the idea for Big Brother all over the world making millions of $$$$$$$$$$$.
The program is broadcasted in 12 different countries now.BB 2 (how original) has just begun here,even more Back To Basic.

Big Brother is all about Back To Basic.
But what means Back To Basic to Americans??


No TV in the house and a smaller refrigerator!!!

isimbvhl



[This message has been edited by F150Europe (edited 09-29-2000).]

 

Sorry,posted 3 times.

[This message has been edited by F150Europe (edited 09-26-2000).]