Two boys are fishing in a pond, near Dallas, when a viscious Rottweiler attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it into the dog's collar and twists hard, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter strolling by witnesses the incident and rushes over to interview the boys. After getting the basic facts, he starts to write.

“Young Cowboys Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Cowboys Fan,” the little hero replied. “Oh, sorry, since you live in Dallas, I thought you were,” and he starts writing again.

“Little Stars Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he wrote in his notebook.

“I’m not a Dallas Stars fan, either,” said the boy. The reporter was baffled and said, “I assumed everyone in Dallas was either a Cowboys fan or a Stars fan, so what team do you root for?” “I’m a Detroit Redwings fan,” said the child.

The reporter sighs and shakes his head and starts a fresh page in his notebook: “Small Northern Mo-town Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.”


------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.

My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!

 

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“ What took you so long to answer?”

“ I was in bed.”

“ What were you doing in bed this late?”

“ Getting a second opinion."

 

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your
birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth.
Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote
for, what you buy and what you watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by
your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing
degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating
instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what
your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing
without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid.
Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you
like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate
on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game
throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY/MIS: Unable to control anything in your personal
life, you are instead content to completely control
everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can
tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in
school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads
are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself:
your office is typically full of all the latest
"ergo-dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really
causing your "carpal tunnel"...

FINANCE: The only other sign that studied in school, you are
mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared
person in the organization; combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you
say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only other person that does less
work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a
letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS":
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined
to remain at your current job for the rest of your life.
Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your
worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as
everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely
spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for
the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you
tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior
Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior
Manager".

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a
fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child
very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best
bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR: Just three little numbers... 666.

 

As a computer consultant....I resemble that last remark!

 

Speaking of resembling that remark, do you resemble any of these people? Check out the Web site of eph1fifty's neighbours (and note the Chevy truck photo):
http://www.geocities.com/gonzogonzo_us/
Dang! Somebody took down the site!
------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.

My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!



[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 06-21-2000).]

 

Some Effective Excuses For Missing Work:

If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata’s acting up.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh?

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth.

Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.

I’ve used up all my sick days so I’m calling in dead.

 

One day while walking down the street a highly successful truck saleswoman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once truck sales executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. Kinda like a test drive."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance
was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow salesman that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening wear and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook
her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were sellin to you;
today you're just an owner trying to get service."

------------------
2000 F-150 XLT Sport, Silver 4-door Supercab StyleSide
Short Bed (Only way to fit in the garage)
17" Sport Wheels with BFG tires, 3.55 R, 4.6l V8, Auto (First one in 20 years)
In-Dash Single CD Player, 60/40 Split bench dark graphite

Mods So Far
K&N Filter, Gatorback Spray-In Bedliner, Llumar ProShield Window Tint
WMS Velocity Tube

Future Plans
Superchip, Upgraded Speakers/Stereo
FlowMaster Exhaust, Nerf Bars

 

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a
sign that reads: “For Women Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends
and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy,
explains to them how it works.

“We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has
a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men
here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation
move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and
thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it
short and thick.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors
left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long
and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize
that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they
head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This hotel was built by a man. That you are here on this floor only proves there is no pleasing a woman.”

 

How about this bumper sticker?

Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers.

0=== Coolsig Bumper Stickers
0=== http://coolsig.com/bin/getsig?bumper

------------------
Brent

Black 1998 F-150 XLT Flareside STX
4.2 V-6, 5-Speed, 3.55 Gears

 

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are
qualified to be an "F-150 Owner". Pause before each answer. The questions
are not difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the
refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend
except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This
tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal
Meeting This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Ford Motor Company, around 90% of the
F-150 Owners they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got
several correct answers. FoMoCo says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most F-150 Owners have the brains of a four year
old.




------------------
all4chem@aol.com
Y2K XLT Supercab Flareside, Oxford White, Medium Graphite, Captains Chairs, 6-Disc, 5.4L, 3.55LS, Tow Pkg, Block Heater, Sliding Glass, Keyless Entry, 5-Spoke Al Wheels, P235/70R-16 OWL Tires, Clear Corner Lenses, Eaglite Plasma Headlights, Al Striker Plates for the rear doors, Oxford White Lund Interceptor, Line-X Liner.
Ordered: 01-17-00
Built: 02-23-00
Delivered: 03-13-00

 

Time to rev up this thread again!
____________________

Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming frustrated as he had six children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.” Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit.” Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him General Motors.


------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner.

My third F-series: '73 F-100 Custom 240-cube 3-speed, '98 F-150 XL-SC 4.2 5-speed, and '00 F-150 XLT-SC 4.2 5-speed. GREAT trucks!

 

t

------------------
Rick - Hwy_2_L@HotMail.com
White 00 - Adopted May 3rd 00
* V1 with remote
* Superchip Flipchip CUX2R2
* Airaid Filter - S&B Big Mouth
* Magnaflow Custom Catback
* AIM 2" Drop Shackles
* Hard Tonneau
* Bedrug
* Clear Front Corners
* Ultra Whites – top and bottom
* Taillight Covers
* Lightning Hitch Cover
* Muth Signal Mirrors
* Eclipse 54410 Receiver
* Eclispe 5962 In-Dash CD Changer
* MB Quarts - PKC116 Front, DKC116 Rear
* Alpine MRV-F353 5 Channel
Upcoming mods
* Window tint



[This message has been edited by Hwy_2_L (edited 07-10-2000).]

 

I thought it was one for this year, one for next year, one for .....

 

Ya beat me to it.
I was gonna say "Ya mean they get it that often?"
I thought one for every additional engine should be enough. When the motor says F' it, they do. Ought to last 3 trucks about 12 years.

 

One day, this man, Tony a Dodge owner, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos, another Dodge owner, up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon (a Shovie owner) up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"



------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs