Relatively Clean Truck Jokes
#16
06-30-1999, 01:35 PM
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Location: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
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#17
06-30-1999, 03:33 PM
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Andthensometwo: Great bumper stickers. I want that one that says "Horn broken. Watch for finger".
Boardman: That was great! Dummy sucking the finger must have been a Bowtie Boy. Here's another one featuring the bar and the babe named Lisa. If you haven't heard it before, I guarantee you will be running the punch line through your head and laughing out loud all day long:
_______
A man gets out of his truck (had to make this a truck joke, right?) and walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer. Looking around the bar, he sees a woman sitting in a booth by herself reading a book. He asks the bartender when he gets his beer, "What's with her over there?" The bartender replies, "I don't know. She came in here, ordered that drink and she's been reading her book ever since."
The man thinks to himself that she looks VERY fine and saunters over to the booth, sits across the table from the woman and says, "Hello, what are you reading?" "I'm reading this book about sex facts," she says. "Oh. That's interesting...Like what?" he asks. "For example, it says here that black men having the biggest penises - that's a myth. Really, Native Americans have the biggest penises," she replies. "Another myth is that the French are the best lovers. It's really the Latin men who are the best lovers."
"Interesting," he says. "By the way, what's your name?" "Lisa," she replies. "What's yours?" A quick thinker, the man replies:
"Tonto Rodriguez"
------------------
1998 XL SC short-box 4.2 5-speed 3.55LS Pacific Green, A/C, Factory Dark Tinted Glass (like the XLT), Cassette, Carpet, Canadian XLS package (split bench, chrome wheels, side mouldings, box light, tailgate lock). My wife loves to drive it!
Boardman: That was great! Dummy sucking the finger must have been a Bowtie Boy. Here's another one featuring the bar and the babe named Lisa. If you haven't heard it before, I guarantee you will be running the punch line through your head and laughing out loud all day long:
_______
A man gets out of his truck (had to make this a truck joke, right?) and walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer. Looking around the bar, he sees a woman sitting in a booth by herself reading a book. He asks the bartender when he gets his beer, "What's with her over there?" The bartender replies, "I don't know. She came in here, ordered that drink and she's been reading her book ever since."
The man thinks to himself that she looks VERY fine and saunters over to the booth, sits across the table from the woman and says, "Hello, what are you reading?" "I'm reading this book about sex facts," she says. "Oh. That's interesting...Like what?" he asks. "For example, it says here that black men having the biggest penises - that's a myth. Really, Native Americans have the biggest penises," she replies. "Another myth is that the French are the best lovers. It's really the Latin men who are the best lovers."
"Interesting," he says. "By the way, what's your name?" "Lisa," she replies. "What's yours?" A quick thinker, the man replies:
"Tonto Rodriguez"
------------------
1998 XL SC short-box 4.2 5-speed 3.55LS Pacific Green, A/C, Factory Dark Tinted Glass (like the XLT), Cassette, Carpet, Canadian XLS package (split bench, chrome wheels, side mouldings, box light, tailgate lock). My wife loves to drive it!
#19
06-30-1999, 08:00 PM
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lol...
Hey Shifter, obviously Tonto Rodriguez drives a ford truck!
Since we're on the subject of dyslexics, did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He would just lie awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Jim
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'99 F-250 LD 5.4L SC XLT in White/Silver (w/ EVERYTHING 'cept leather and engine block heater) -- added: SnugTop Hi-Liner & carpet kit, Donnelly mirror, more to come... (new shocks and side bars are next)
Hey Shifter, obviously Tonto Rodriguez drives a ford truck!
Since we're on the subject of dyslexics, did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He would just lie awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Jim
------------------
'99 F-250 LD 5.4L SC XLT in White/Silver (w/ EVERYTHING 'cept leather and engine block heater) -- added: SnugTop Hi-Liner & carpet kit, Donnelly mirror, more to come... (new shocks and side bars are next)
#21
06-30-1999, 08:34 PM
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A Chevy driver loads up his truck with 3 of his buddies (he takes them along so they can push) and heads to the Baseball All-star game. They find their seats in the crowded stadium and, before the game starts, the driver offers to buy "a dog and a beer" for each of his friends (you know, for pushing his truck to the game).
As he's coming back to the seats with his arms full of food, he hears someone from the upper deck yell, "HEY, DAVE." The driver stops, looks up, looks around, and when he can't see which one of the 50,000 people who just yelled -- he resumes his walk back down to the seats.
He gets near the seats and again he hears, "HEY, DAVE!" Perplexed, the Chevy driver stops and looks all around to see who is calling out -- he looks around one last time and continues his trek to his friends.
He arrives at his seat and starts passing out hot-dogs and beer, when he hears, "HEYYYYY DAAAAAVE!!!!!!" Well, the exasperated driver throws his beer to the ground, turns around and shouts back, "DAMMIT, MY NAME'S NOT DAVE!!"
Jim
------------------
'99 F-250 LD 5.4L SC XLT in White/Silver (w/ EVERYTHING 'cept leather and engine block heater) -- added: SnugTop Hi-Liner & carpet kit, Donnelly mirror, more to come... (new shocks and side bars are next)
As he's coming back to the seats with his arms full of food, he hears someone from the upper deck yell, "HEY, DAVE." The driver stops, looks up, looks around, and when he can't see which one of the 50,000 people who just yelled -- he resumes his walk back down to the seats.
He gets near the seats and again he hears, "HEY, DAVE!" Perplexed, the Chevy driver stops and looks all around to see who is calling out -- he looks around one last time and continues his trek to his friends.
He arrives at his seat and starts passing out hot-dogs and beer, when he hears, "HEYYYYY DAAAAAVE!!!!!!" Well, the exasperated driver throws his beer to the ground, turns around and shouts back, "DAMMIT, MY NAME'S NOT DAVE!!"
Jim
------------------
'99 F-250 LD 5.4L SC XLT in White/Silver (w/ EVERYTHING 'cept leather and engine block heater) -- added: SnugTop Hi-Liner & carpet kit, Donnelly mirror, more to come... (new shocks and side bars are next)
#22
07-01-1999, 12:34 AM
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OK,
A guy(shovie owner) owns a bar in a small town. Business is bad and he is trying to come up with ways to get people to spend time and money in his bar. One day he sees an old farmer leading a nag down the street. The farmer stops in for a beer and they strike up a converstation. The owner askes the farmer what he is doing with the horse. The farmer says he is taking it to the slaughterhouse at the end of town. The owner says, how much do you want for it? The farmer says he is getting $20.00 for it from the slaughterhouse. The owner has an idea and says he will pay $20.00 for the horse. A few weeks later a stranger(Ford owner) walks in to the bar and sees this horse in a stall at the end of the bar. Over the stall is a sign that says "$1.00 a try to make this horse laugh, if you can you win the pot". The pot is a glass bowl beside the horse. The stranger sees about $50.00 in it. He asks the bar owner if this is a joke and he says no, go ahead and give it a try. So the stranger walks over, puts his dollar in the bowl and looks at the horse. He then leans forward and whispers in the horses ear. The horse gets an amazed look on his face and starts laughing like crazy. The owner cannot believe it but gives the guy the bowl of money. The stranger leaves and now the owner is thinking of what he is going to do with this horse now. He comes up with another idea and changes the sign over the stall. A few weeks later the stranger comes back in. He stops and looks at the sign over the horse which now says "$1.00 a try to make this horse cry, if you can you win the pot". He again asks the owner if this is a joke. The owner says no, give it a try, I guarantee you can't make this or any other horse cry. So the stranger puts in his dollar and walks up to the horse. The horse looks at him and the stranger unzips and pulls down his pants. The horse looks at him and begins to cry like a baby. The stranger picks the money out of the bowl and starts to leave. The owner is very irritated and says "you won the money, but by God you aren't leaving until you tell me how you made that horse laugh the first time and cry this time". The stranger says it's easy, "The first time I told him my tallywhacker was bigger than his, the second time I showed him"...........
:O
------------------
Mike Boardman '99 F150XLT 4X4 RC,FS,4.6,5spd,3.55LS,ORP,
Towing pkg,K&N GenII FIPK,FLowMaster,SnugLid,Luverne Nerf bars,
bug shield, DK Toreador Red.
A guy(shovie owner) owns a bar in a small town. Business is bad and he is trying to come up with ways to get people to spend time and money in his bar. One day he sees an old farmer leading a nag down the street. The farmer stops in for a beer and they strike up a converstation. The owner askes the farmer what he is doing with the horse. The farmer says he is taking it to the slaughterhouse at the end of town. The owner says, how much do you want for it? The farmer says he is getting $20.00 for it from the slaughterhouse. The owner has an idea and says he will pay $20.00 for the horse. A few weeks later a stranger(Ford owner) walks in to the bar and sees this horse in a stall at the end of the bar. Over the stall is a sign that says "$1.00 a try to make this horse laugh, if you can you win the pot". The pot is a glass bowl beside the horse. The stranger sees about $50.00 in it. He asks the bar owner if this is a joke and he says no, go ahead and give it a try. So the stranger walks over, puts his dollar in the bowl and looks at the horse. He then leans forward and whispers in the horses ear. The horse gets an amazed look on his face and starts laughing like crazy. The owner cannot believe it but gives the guy the bowl of money. The stranger leaves and now the owner is thinking of what he is going to do with this horse now. He comes up with another idea and changes the sign over the stall. A few weeks later the stranger comes back in. He stops and looks at the sign over the horse which now says "$1.00 a try to make this horse cry, if you can you win the pot". He again asks the owner if this is a joke. The owner says no, give it a try, I guarantee you can't make this or any other horse cry. So the stranger puts in his dollar and walks up to the horse. The horse looks at him and the stranger unzips and pulls down his pants. The horse looks at him and begins to cry like a baby. The stranger picks the money out of the bowl and starts to leave. The owner is very irritated and says "you won the money, but by God you aren't leaving until you tell me how you made that horse laugh the first time and cry this time". The stranger says it's easy, "The first time I told him my tallywhacker was bigger than his, the second time I showed him"...........
:O------------------
Mike Boardman '99 F150XLT 4X4 RC,FS,4.6,5spd,3.55LS,ORP,
Towing pkg,K&N GenII FIPK,FLowMaster,SnugLid,Luverne Nerf bars,
bug shield, DK Toreador Red.
#23
07-01-1999, 06:34 AM
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According to the proposed Highway and Boulevard Beautification Act of 1999, your Truck will be crushed immediately if…
1. You’ve installed smoked headlight covers.
2. You’ve got those “aero-finned” front wiper blades.
3. You’ve swapped out your perfectly good OEM alloy rims and tires for very expensive ornamental ones.
4. You get caught doing 0-60 sprints with a buddy holding a stopwatch in the front seat.
5. You’ve got a truck “bra” on.
6. You’ve added any of those incredible engine-enhancing additives to
your crankcase.
7. You’ve rewired your headlight switch to drive with just your fog lamps on at night.
8. Your Truck’s aftermarket stereo cost more than four years worth of insurance.
9. You own a radar detector and a police scanner.
10. You’ve got a cartoon of Calvin pissing on another automaker’s logo on your back window.
11. You’ve got a custom license plate frame.
12. Your Truck has a gold plated anything.
13. You’ve lowered your Truck’s springs to the point where you fear speed bumps and bottle caps.
14. You insist on Amoco 93 Ultimate in spite of the fact your engine cannot take advantage of the higher octane.
15. You get caught taking 35mm pictures of your Truck.
16. You’ve installed “faux” wood trim on your dashboard.
17. You’ve replaced your shift **** with a flashier one.
18. You’ve installed drilled, polished aluminum brake and accelerator pedals.
19. Your aftermarket floor mats have some kind of logo on them.
20. You’ve had pinstripes put on your Truck.
21. You’ve got a personalized license plate that begins with “MR.”
22. You’re still driving around with that temporary paper license tag taped in your rear window.
23. Armor All is your best friend.
24. The only preventative maintenance you perform are oil changes.
25. You’ve installed neon lights underneath your Truck.
26. You’ve installed a lighted license plate frame.
27. You bought a “photo-radar”-proof license plate cover.
28. Your driver’s seat is tilted back nearly flat.
29. Your sled is sporting a set of cross-drilled, Brembo disc brakes, even though you don’t race competitively.
30. You’ve installed a garish and functionally worthless spoiler.
Call your representative today!
1. You’ve installed smoked headlight covers.
2. You’ve got those “aero-finned” front wiper blades.
3. You’ve swapped out your perfectly good OEM alloy rims and tires for very expensive ornamental ones.
4. You get caught doing 0-60 sprints with a buddy holding a stopwatch in the front seat.
5. You’ve got a truck “bra” on.
6. You’ve added any of those incredible engine-enhancing additives to
your crankcase.
7. You’ve rewired your headlight switch to drive with just your fog lamps on at night.
8. Your Truck’s aftermarket stereo cost more than four years worth of insurance.
9. You own a radar detector and a police scanner.
10. You’ve got a cartoon of Calvin pissing on another automaker’s logo on your back window.
11. You’ve got a custom license plate frame.
12. Your Truck has a gold plated anything.
13. You’ve lowered your Truck’s springs to the point where you fear speed bumps and bottle caps.
14. You insist on Amoco 93 Ultimate in spite of the fact your engine cannot take advantage of the higher octane.
15. You get caught taking 35mm pictures of your Truck.
16. You’ve installed “faux” wood trim on your dashboard.
17. You’ve replaced your shift **** with a flashier one.
18. You’ve installed drilled, polished aluminum brake and accelerator pedals.
19. Your aftermarket floor mats have some kind of logo on them.
20. You’ve had pinstripes put on your Truck.
21. You’ve got a personalized license plate that begins with “MR.”
22. You’re still driving around with that temporary paper license tag taped in your rear window.
23. Armor All is your best friend.
24. The only preventative maintenance you perform are oil changes.
25. You’ve installed neon lights underneath your Truck.
26. You’ve installed a lighted license plate frame.
27. You bought a “photo-radar”-proof license plate cover.
28. Your driver’s seat is tilted back nearly flat.
29. Your sled is sporting a set of cross-drilled, Brembo disc brakes, even though you don’t race competitively.
30. You’ve installed a garish and functionally worthless spoiler.
Call your representative today!
#25
07-01-1999, 11:25 AM
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#26
07-01-1999, 11:35 AM
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You know he's a shovie owner if...
He mows his lawn and finds a truck
His wife weighs more than his truck
Even the gun rack is broken
Carries tire gauge in front shirt pocket
Has peices of tow-rope attached to bumper
Seat covers made of (and are) dog hair
Tunes=harmonica
Alarm has four legs and eats dogfood (could be wife-not sure)
Always has dark stains on shirt and arms (from grabbing the bumper of that oil-burner and pushing)
Keeps "carb-spray" and screwdriver handy in front seat
Floor on passenger side covered with (mixed)"off-brand" partially empty beer cans
Bed contains old motor and tranny
Rear window obscured by those orange "come get this junk within 10 days" stickers
Doesn't change oil-just adds it
Antenna=coathanger
Jack=board and two rocks
4x4=4th engine and 4 payments left
Never had a speeding ticket, just plenty of parking tickets
He mows his lawn and finds a truck
His wife weighs more than his truck
Even the gun rack is broken
Carries tire gauge in front shirt pocket
Has peices of tow-rope attached to bumper
Seat covers made of (and are) dog hair
Tunes=harmonica
Alarm has four legs and eats dogfood (could be wife-not sure)
Always has dark stains on shirt and arms (from grabbing the bumper of that oil-burner and pushing)
Keeps "carb-spray" and screwdriver handy in front seat
Floor on passenger side covered with (mixed)"off-brand" partially empty beer cans
Bed contains old motor and tranny
Rear window obscured by those orange "come get this junk within 10 days" stickers
Doesn't change oil-just adds it
Antenna=coathanger
Jack=board and two rocks
4x4=4th engine and 4 payments left
Never had a speeding ticket, just plenty of parking tickets
#27
07-01-1999, 08:30 PM
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I know we have some ossifers I mean officers of the law on the board, how many of these lines have you heard? For the rest of ya, just a friendly reminder of Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over...
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your a** kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Aren't you one of the Village People?
------------------
Mike Boardman '99 F150XLT 4X4 RC,FS,4.6,5spd,3.55LS,ORP,
Towing pkg,K&N GenII FIPK,FLowMaster,SnugLid,Luverne Nerf bars,
bug shield, DK Toreador Red.
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your a** kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Aren't you one of the Village People?
------------------
Mike Boardman '99 F150XLT 4X4 RC,FS,4.6,5spd,3.55LS,ORP,
Towing pkg,K&N GenII FIPK,FLowMaster,SnugLid,Luverne Nerf bars,
bug shield, DK Toreador Red.
#28
07-01-1999, 08:55 PM
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Last one:
You may be a shovie owner if:
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
(Actually, I have to admit to this one)!
Fewer than half of your cars run.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The rear tires on your truck are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've been too drunk to fish. (I've come close).
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
and last, Someone in your family says "***'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
You may be a shovie owner if:
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
(Actually, I have to admit to this one)!
Fewer than half of your cars run.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The rear tires on your truck are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've been too drunk to fish. (I've come close).
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
and last, Someone in your family says "***'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
#29
07-01-1999, 09:07 PM
Join Date: Jun 1999
Location: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
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#30
07-02-1999, 12:54 AM
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you would only have to add:
