In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL **** on it’s head!”

 

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL **** on it’s head!”

 

For the youth-challenged folks. Comes with music! (if you still have any of your hearing left)
http://www.angelfire.com/ga/sweetgeo.../senility.html

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Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

Good one ccla!!




[This message has been edited by Dustoff (edited 03-08-2000).]

 

Thanks Shifter!

[This message has been edited by Dustoff (edited 03-08-2000).]

 

You could learn alot from Dustoff

 

Question:
How does a Mexican Policeman stop a speeding, stolen, Ford truck?

Answer:
He steps on the brake pedal.

 

Sorry Guys*-

Invention
>> >
>> > Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells
>> > Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car,
>> > changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you
>> > want in heaven."
>> >
>> > So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam,
>> > the first man." So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.
>> >
>> > When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of
>> > the woman?"
>> >
>> > Adam says, "Yes."
>> >
>> > "Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your
>> > invention:
>> >
>> > 1. There's too much front end protrusion.
>> >
>> > 2. It chatters at high speeds.
>> >
>> > 3. The rear end wobbles too much.
>> >
>> > 4. And the intake is placed too close to the
>> > exhaust."
>> >
>> > "Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial
>> > supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
>> > The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
>> >
>> > He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed,
>> > but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my
>> > invention than yours."

* "guys" is a gender neutral term as recognized by the NRC

 

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three ****** in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

 

Here's one that will appeal to certain of our members of the female persuasion.
___________________

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”.

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your, ah, physical needs. He’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like zooming around in trucks, fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly."

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?” “Well....you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember ... it’s our secret ... woman-to-woman!”


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Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

This is for DAVENSA:

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "What the heck was that for?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.

The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that bull with me.'"

 

mtknee,

That was a good one!!

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2000 F-150 XLT, 4x2, 5.4L Supercab, Styleside, Black with silver two-tone, 3.55, class III towing package with heavy duty cooling package, 4 wheel disk ABS, overhead console, sliding rear window, keyless entry, dark graphite interior, in dash CD, Pendaliner bedliner, K&N air filter, rubberized undercoating, cabin filtration system, Bugflector II, 5W-30 Mobil 1, engine build 10/4/99, Superchip now installed..WOW!!!!

 

JD sent me this pic of him



[This message has been edited by Andthensometoo (edited 03-20-2000).]

 

An ambitious coach of a girls' track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soared and they went on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, came into the coach's office.

"Coach," she says, "I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "Look, don't worry about that! You gotta do this for the team," said the coach. "Ah, how far down does it go?"

"Right down to my *****," she replied, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about."


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Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story that has a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good, “ said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”

“Our family are farmers too but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is,…don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.”

“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny? Do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got shot. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and cut her, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy find in that horrible story?”

“Don’t f*&# with Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”


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Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!




[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 03-16-2000).]