An airline flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. Several customers pass through…no problem.

As a Shovie driver, complete with Shovie baseball cap, approached, she extended her hand for his ticket. The Shovie driver opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.”


------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two-some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a four-some of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, a Ford driver it turns out, and he immediately clasped his hands at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed up to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the Ford driver replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands at his crotch. But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. She loosened his pants and put her hand inside. After a fairly lengthy massage she asked him, "How does that feel?" At that point, the others started wandered away, clearly embarrassed, not wanting to invade their privacy.

"Ah, it feels great, don’t stop,” he said. A little while later, the physiotherapist left and the other guys returned. “Wow,” one said. “What treatment!” “Ya, it was fantastic," the Ford driver said. "Too bad my thumb still hurts like hell!"


------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and
a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the
doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf

with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my
wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

Okay Shifter, here's an old one like your St Peter's gate:

The Right Man for the Job
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be
considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the
background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know
that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your new bride of one month sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man,"you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that
you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife of 2 years sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The
man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No." the CIA man replied, "You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to one man left to test... Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your wife of 10 years sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start
firing; one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man.
He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "Some ******* put blanks in the gun so I had to choke the b*&^%!"



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99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to
consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay
before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?




THE MORAL IS; THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL ............ A WITCH !
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------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

An 80 year old Shovie man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks
him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and
suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella,
points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in
front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly." said the doctor.


------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created
man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.
- - - - - - - - - -
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
- - - - - - - - - -
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
- - - - - - - - - -
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
- - - - - - - - - -
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
- - - - - - - - - -
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- - - - - - - - - -
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
- - - - - - - - - -
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- - - - - - - - - -
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- - - - - - - - - -
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- - - - - - - -
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- - - - - - - - - -
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- - - - - - - - - -
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
- - - - - - - - - -
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
- - - - - - - - - -
The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."
- - - - - - - - - -
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.


------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

Definition of Agony:
a dacshund with an erection trying to get upstairs

 

All right, guys! Nice to have some more company!! Keep 'em coming.

ATST: That's one of the funniest stories I've ever read. My sides hurt from the outburst of laughter I just suffered. Now, off to sleep with a big smile on my face. (No comments out there!)

------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!




[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 02-16-2000).]

 

SOME OLD ONES

MOPAR = MOST ORIGINAL PARTS ARE REPLACED
MOPAR = MOVE OVER PEOPLE ARE RECEING
CHEVY = CHANGED HEADS ENGINE VALVES YEARLY

------------------
1999 F150 Bright Red Extended Cab 4x4 Off Road, With Gray Interior, 5.4L, 3.73 Gears,
ADD ON'S BELOW
Access Tunnel Cover
Stainless Stell Nerf Bars
Stainless Stell Rocker Pannels
Flowmaster Exhaust
Lund Bug Guard
GTS Head Light Covers
K&N Air Filter W/ Air Box Mod
Putco Bed Rails
Red Stering Wheel Cover
Pionneer CD Deck

Wish List: F1 Ram Air Hood, Tinted Side Windows, Brushguard, Wiper Crawl, Visor, Lift W/ 34" M/T Tires, ECT,ECT...

 

SOME OLD ONES

MOPAR = MOST ORIGINAL PARTS ARE REPLACED
MOPAR = MOVE OVER PEOPLE ARE RECEING
CHEVY = CHANGEING HEADS ENGINE VALVES YEARLY

------------------
1999 F150 Bright Red Extended Cab 4x4 Off Road, With Gray Interior, 5.4L, 3.73 Gears,
ADD ON'S BELOW
Access Tunnel Cover
Stainless Stell Nerf Bars
Stainless Stell Rocker Pannels
Flowmaster Exhaust
Lund Bug Guard
GTS Head Light Covers
K&N Air Filter W/ Air Box Mod
Putco Bed Rails
Red Stering Wheel Cover
Pionneer CD Deck

Wish List: F1 Ram Air Hood, Tinted Side Windows, Brushguard, Wiper Crawl, Visor, Lift W/ 34" M/T Tires, ECT,ECT...

 

GREAT JOKES JD!!!!

------------------
2000 F-150 XLT, 4x2, 5.4L Supercab, Styleside, Black with silver two-tone, 3.55, class III towing package with heavy duty cooling package, 4 wheel disk ABS, overhead console, sliding rear window, keyless entry, dark graphite interior, in dash CD, Pendaliner bedliner, K&N air filter, rubberized undercoating, cabin filtration system, Bugflector II, 5W-30 Mobil 1, engine build 10/4/99



[This message has been edited by Dustoff (edited 02-16-2000).]

 

Dopey knocked on the front door of the convent. Mother Superior answered, "yes Dopey, can i help you?". Dopey said "Mother Superior, is their a very young nun, who might have just moved here?" Mother Superior said, "No, Dopey, there is no one new here". Dopey went home and came back the next day with Bashful. they knocked on the door again, Mother Superior answer and asked how she could help. they asked her if there was possibly a short nun at the convent. she said no. they left and went home. the next day, Dopey knocked on the door again, this time, all 6 dwarfs were standing behind him. he asked Mother Superior, "is there possibly a midget nun here at the convent?" Mother Superior loudly said, "Dopey, of course not!" That's when the other 6 dwarfs started chanting: Dopey *******ck a penguin, Dopey *******ed a penguin.

 

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns
to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz
going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third
mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two:
"I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and f@#$ the cat."



------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

ENERGIZER BUNNY FOUND DEAD!!

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming and coming...


------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs