How do u double the value of a Skoda?






Fill it with gas!!!!

 

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"


He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better...............

 

This might should have gone in the Political forum:

San Diego Woman Shot in Head
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.

 

Does any one know the difference between guts and *****?


Guts is when you come home after a night of drinking with your buddies and your wife meets you at the door with a broom and you say " you still cleaning or are you gonna fly somewhere?"

***** is when you've been at the strip club and come home smelling like perfume and you say " don't worry chubby your next!"

 

Anyone know how they make decaf coffee?


Give a cow an abortion.

 

 

Last time I was on a plane a girl asked me if her breath smelled like tacos.

I said do you put cat poop in your tacos?

 

My grandfather was a 20+ year retired Master Chief in the Navy and somehow or another I managed to go into the Marines. As you can imagine there as been plenty of banter back and forth. One night while out for dinner my grandfather said some thing he thought was rather witty and I replied with "ya know I've been known to take on a sailor or two in my time" not realizing what I said he shot back with " so I've heard and at a pretty good price too!" Old salt 1 jarhead 0

 

This thread makes me happy....

 

Received in an email:

Sorta makes you think ....

After the Packers vs Bills game, Buffalo released Quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers/Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia Quarterback Kevin Kolb. Philadelphia then had to play backup Quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers/Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers/Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, 49er's coach, Mike Singletary, was fired and replaced.

During the Bears playoff game, the Packers injured Quarterback Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with third-string Caleb Haine.

Question:

Is it just me or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year.

 

Why was Cindarella banned from Disney World???

Because she kept sitting on Pinochio's face singing "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"

 

Ban info here!!!!!!!

 

A drunk man walks up the the White House and is approached by one of the secret servicemen.

"I wanna run for president" declares the drunk

"Are you drunk and stupid?" replies the sevicemen

"Oh.........no...thats too many requirements" says the drunk

 

HAHAHAHA^^

 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches cold.'