How about a new joke thread, post'em up.
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 110
Likes: 0
From: Atlanta, GA
Abbreviations for the elderly
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CGU: Can’t Get Up
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Betablockers
FYI: For Your Indigestion
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Got To Groan
IMHMO: In My HMO
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
MILTF: Meal I’d Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMG: Oye, My Grandchildren!
ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Can’t Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock - Early Bird Special)
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet The Furniture
WTF: What’s Today’s Fish?
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CGU: Can’t Get Up
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Betablockers
FYI: For Your Indigestion
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Got To Groan
IMHMO: In My HMO
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
MILTF: Meal I’d Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMG: Oye, My Grandchildren!
ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Can’t Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock - Early Bird Special)
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet The Furniture
WTF: What’s Today’s Fish?
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 361
Likes: 0
From: New Jersey
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,869
Likes: 0
From: N.E. Ohio
Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having ****tails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're either dipping your shoulder on your backswing or you're not keeping your wrists straight as you address the ball."
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having ****tails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're either dipping your shoulder on your backswing or you're not keeping your wrists straight as you address the ball."
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,869
Likes: 0
From: N.E. Ohio
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
**** CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some chickens of color.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
**** CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some chickens of color.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 594
Likes: 0
From: Danksville, near Budsburg USA
B][I]Chet the Christmas Caroling Parrot[/I][/B]
A pet shop owner sold 'Chet' the parrot to an older lady that loved Christmas Carols.
When she got 'Chet' home, no matter what she did, he refused to sing.
She returned 'Chet' to the store.
The owner grabbed Chet in one hand and his bic lighter in the other.
He held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet squawked, cleared his throat and sang,
"Chet's Nuts roasting on an open fire"...............
When she got 'Chet' home, no matter what she did, he refused to sing.
She returned 'Chet' to the store.
The owner grabbed Chet in one hand and his bic lighter in the other.
He held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet squawked, cleared his throat and sang,
"Chet's Nuts roasting on an open fire"...............
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 361
Likes: 0
From: New Jersey
A pet shop owner sold 'Chet' the parrot to an older lady that loved Christmas Carols.
When she got 'Chet' home, no matter what she did, he refused to sing.
She returned 'Chet' to the store.
The owner grabbed Chet in one hand and his bic lighter in the other.
He held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet squawked, cleared his throat and sang,
"Chet's Nuts roasting on an open fire"...............
When she got 'Chet' home, no matter what she did, he refused to sing.
She returned 'Chet' to the store.
The owner grabbed Chet in one hand and his bic lighter in the other.
He held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet squawked, cleared his throat and sang,
"Chet's Nuts roasting on an open fire"...............
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 710
Likes: 4
From: Florida
OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'
Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'
Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 61
Likes: 0
From: Lincoln, NE, USA
Two guys in the back of the road-crew pickup as it's driving along. Suddenly, one jumps out with a shovel, and beats a turtle to death on the road. As he climbs back in, his buddy asks him, "What did you do that for?"
"The sunuvagun's been tailgating us all day!"
"The sunuvagun's been tailgating us all day!"
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 4,920
Likes: 5
From: Washington
Reminds me of my the old joke my dad told me years ago.Whats white and sleeps three?
City truck.
Thread Starter
|
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,512
Likes: 1
From: >wwOwww<
One half of the Arkansas state highway department employees have been laid off, or out right terminated!
Why?
The Highway Department is now buying shovels that stand up by themselves.
Why?
The Highway Department is now buying shovels that stand up by themselves.
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 361
Likes: 0
From: New Jersey
A Bar in Montana...
A man is sitting in a bar in Montana and far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ***."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV.
He looks at the TV and says "She is a horse's *** too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV.
He looks at the TV and says "She is a horse's *** too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."