How about a new joke thread, post'em up.
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
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From: New Mexico
A middle aged travelling salesman was making a stop out in the country when his car broke down. It was a nasty day outside, cloudy and raining, and he dreaded getting out and looking for help, but he had no choice since his phone didn't have a signal. There were two farmhouses in sight, so he walked to the closest one.
When he got there, he noticed that he door was slightly ajar. Knocking on the frame, he received no answer, so he slowly pushed the door open and peered inside. What he saw shocked an appalled him. There was an old couple in the living room naked! The old woman was sitting on the couch with one hand cupping each breast, and massaging them up and down. The old man was in the recliner with an open umbrella in one hand and his unmentionables in the other, fondling himself.
Well, this clearly wasn't the place for help, so the salesman hot-footed it out of there and went to the next house, about a half mile away. Soaking wet and disheveled, he knocked on the door hoping for a normal person. An elderly gentlemen, fully clothed this time, answered the door with a smile. "Nasty out there mister, what can I do for ya'?"
"I broke down bout a half mile that-a-way. Can I use your phone?"
"Absolutely! Come on in and get out of that rain. By the way, why didn't you ask the Johnsons? They're damn near right next to where you said you broke down."
"I tried, but it was the damnedest thing... I almost don't want to say..."
"Spit it out son!"
"Well I knocked and the door was slightly open so when nobody answered I looked inside and they were naked! The old lady was rubbing her ***** and the old man was sitting there fondling himself and holding an umbrella!"
The old farmer burst out laughing and said, "Ah, son they're deaf as a post! She was tellin' him to go milk the cows, and he was tellin' her to go screw herself... it's rainin' outside!"
When he got there, he noticed that he door was slightly ajar. Knocking on the frame, he received no answer, so he slowly pushed the door open and peered inside. What he saw shocked an appalled him. There was an old couple in the living room naked! The old woman was sitting on the couch with one hand cupping each breast, and massaging them up and down. The old man was in the recliner with an open umbrella in one hand and his unmentionables in the other, fondling himself.
Well, this clearly wasn't the place for help, so the salesman hot-footed it out of there and went to the next house, about a half mile away. Soaking wet and disheveled, he knocked on the door hoping for a normal person. An elderly gentlemen, fully clothed this time, answered the door with a smile. "Nasty out there mister, what can I do for ya'?"
"I broke down bout a half mile that-a-way. Can I use your phone?"
"Absolutely! Come on in and get out of that rain. By the way, why didn't you ask the Johnsons? They're damn near right next to where you said you broke down."
"I tried, but it was the damnedest thing... I almost don't want to say..."
"Spit it out son!"
"Well I knocked and the door was slightly open so when nobody answered I looked inside and they were naked! The old lady was rubbing her ***** and the old man was sitting there fondling himself and holding an umbrella!"
The old farmer burst out laughing and said, "Ah, son they're deaf as a post! She was tellin' him to go milk the cows, and he was tellin' her to go screw herself... it's rainin' outside!"
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,068
Likes: 2
From: So. Cal.
[QUOTE=06 SANDSTONE;4311488]Tar ***** continue to wash up on the Gulf Coast Beaches. [IMG]
[/IMG] He's just a JOKE people. /QUOTE]
Yea, and a sick one at that!
[/IMG] He's just a JOKE people. /QUOTE]Yea, and a sick one at that!
Last edited by code58; Aug 17, 2010 at 03:43 AM.
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
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From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
I don't think I read these in here...
I met this really cute girl the other night...she asked me if I liked breasts or legs...told her a really hairy bush was my thing...damn, now I'm banned from going in KFC
I met this really cute girl the other night...she asked me if I liked breasts or legs...told her a really hairy bush was my thing...damn, now I'm banned from going in KFC
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
I was on a business trip last week...being the religious guy that I am, I told the desk clerk when checking into the hotel that I would like the **** channel disabled...he replied "you're sick dude, we only have normal ****"...
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 1998
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas, Nevada (originally from Kearny, New Jersey)
It appears that the Energizer Bunny died last week of a heart attack...seems someone put his batteries in backwards and instead of going going going he kept comming cumming cumming
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,512
Likes: 1
From: >wwOwww<
His and Her Diaries
HER DIARY:
Dear Diary:
Tonight, I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, So I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior . I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...
HIS DIARY:
My boat wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
HER DIARY:
Dear Diary:
Tonight, I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, So I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior . I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...
HIS DIARY:
My boat wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 154
Likes: 0
From: Lexington, KY
HILLBILLY BIRTH
Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . ..
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . ..
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 42
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From: fort myers
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41.. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50.. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41.. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50.. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol