An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."


No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ' Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart..'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

Man that last one is awesome

 

Haha all of these are great

 

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

 

I thought everyone had figured that one out, it's been going on for so looooong!

Remember that next time you go to the dealer and they say "your truck is due for service", let us "service your truck"!

 

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico .
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -




Sinko De Mayo.

 

Scam Alert




Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

 

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle,

"Well .............?"




She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,


slim,


tall,


38" DD bust,


24" waist and


34" hips.












When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

 

Quote of the Day

…from Jimmy Fallon . . . referring to Prince William's bachelor party:

"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

 

Black Lab Dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in
the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a
sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its
seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of
his seat number for the police.'

I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again..

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to mess all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent,
'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems
that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk
on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked
across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly
drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and
confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. “Granny,” he asked, "it's me
18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me fa, his fa, and
his fa before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because
your fa, your grandfa and your great grandfa were all born in December, when
the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****!

 

 

so a guy in florida is working at a grocery store...after his sixth day working there his manager finally said...your on your on now...so the man goes back 2 work...an elderly man came up and asked "sir do u think its possible for me 2 buy half a head of lettuce?" after arguing about only selling whole heads the employee walks 2 his manager and says "some jack@$$ wants 2 buy half a head of lettuce...(noticing after he said this that the elderly man was behind him me continues)...and this man would like 2 buy the other half...is this ok?" so the manager ok's the request and the deal is done...the manager says "hey where are u from boy! u are quick on your feet!" the employee replies "Canada sir" "well
why are u down in florida??" "only hoes and hockey players" "my wifes from canada!" "what team she play for?"

 

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out
of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.