I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old
grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day!"
He is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out
of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more
year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose!

(Sorry if this is a repost.)

 

Islamic terrorists are like king salmon - life is good until the seals show up.

 

Why didnt the U.S. Govt. think of this?


A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan .

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

Heck, I wouldn't sell them, I'd GIVE them away!

 

The Locker Room


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000. Is it OKAY if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw
one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really
want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

 

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose ?
10 piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, and a fish you can never find!

 

Subject: FW: - My census form came back again.









They sent my Census form back!! AGAIN!!!!!

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?',

I put ....... '12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards,

the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 140,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in California ,

leftovers from Katrina, half of Mexico , Some of the Congress, most of the Senate and a Muslim President!'



................. Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer

 

What do they know??? Looks pretty darn accurate to me!

 

Gate 14

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you!

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " **** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

 

Timely Limerick...

There once was a scoundrel named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one wiener leaner

 

 

It's hard to say those last two words out loud. Kind of tongue ties me

 

FIVE PEARLS OF SCOTTISH WISDOM

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in
a Jaguar than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in
trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

 

 

The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal ****fights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.

Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sum_body bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."