Stuttering



You know better than to use that language on this site.

 

^^

 

Hey, did someone complain about what happened on my 18th birthday?

Signed,

Paddy O'Furniture?

 

Anyone had a new drink called "The Bin Laden"














Two shots & a splash of water!!!

 

"Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into McDonalds and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger.

It's the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not the clown."

 

Best joke ever

Two women sitting at a table across from each other minding their own buisness.

 

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.


Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.


“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.


“I would like it infrequently” she replied.


The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”

 

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on
sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got
married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad,
where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got
it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,'
the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to
give your wife $775 a week.'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said.
'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few
bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been
rushed to the Emergency Room, took the
husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of
your wife at all.'

'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a
great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the
last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell
me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now
pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A
Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you
tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco
to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the
murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the
Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is
feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the
doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband
and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had
been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini
or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it
all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when
there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by
a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said, 'Well, she's there.'



May your troubles be less, may your blessings be
more, and may nothing but happiness come
through your door.

 

I said something similar to this to my first wife. Hence the word First

 

A rich man and a poor man were sitting next to each other at the bar on day. The poor man said to the rich man, What are you getting your wife for valentines day? the rich man said, I am getting her a pearl neckless and a mercedes. The poor man said why the mercedes? The rich man said well, if she doesn't like the neckless she can use the mercedes to return it.

The rich man asked the poor man the same thing, and the poor man said well I am getting my wife a toy and some flipflops. The rich man asked why the toy? The poor man said well, If she doesn't like the flipflops then she can go ******* herself.

 

Subject: FW: Right to Carry

A Texas Ranger pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty
taillight. When the Ranger approached the driver, the man behind the
wheel handed the Ranger his driver’s license, insurance card and a
concealed weapon carry permit.



The Ranger took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr.
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"



The driver replied, "Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a ..22 derringer in my boot."



The Ranger looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"



"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."



The Ranger asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the Ranger bent over and looked into
the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few
guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?"



Mr. Smith locked eyes with the Ranger and calmly answered, "Not a
****ing thing."

 

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumblin in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

 

 

 

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"
Now you know...
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.