How about a new joke thread, post'em up.
Global Moderator &
Senior Member
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 26,080
Likes: 84
From: Burleson/Athens/Brownsboro, TX
Advice to an Old Guy...
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in
the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was
nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over
there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try
the ATM in the lobby".......
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in
the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was
nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over
there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try
the ATM in the lobby".......
__________________
Jim
Jim
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 710
Likes: 4
From: Florida
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage,
hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs
under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb
toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with
cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same
result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that
are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try
to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Congress operates and is why, from time to time, ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs
under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb
toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with
cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same
result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that
are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try
to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Congress operates and is why, from time to time, ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 3,480
Likes: 6
From: San Angelo, TX
Fireman Sex
> A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know,
>we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on
> our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're
>on the fire truck ready to go.
>
>
>
>
> "From now on when I say BELL 1
>
> I want you to strip naked.
>
> When I say BELL 2
>
> I want you to jump in bed.
>
> And when I say BELL 3
>
> We are going to make love all night.
"The
>next night he came home from work and yelled
>
> " BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
>
>
>
>
> When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
> When he yelled " BELL 3!", they began making love.
>
> After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
>
> "What the hell is BELL 4?"
>asked the husband?
>
>
>
>
> "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied
"YOU'RE
>NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
>we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on
> our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're
>on the fire truck ready to go.
>
>
>
>
> "From now on when I say BELL 1
>
> I want you to strip naked.
>
> When I say BELL 2
>
> I want you to jump in bed.
>
> And when I say BELL 3
>
> We are going to make love all night.
"The
>next night he came home from work and yelled
>
> " BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
>
>
>
>
> When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
> When he yelled " BELL 3!", they began making love.
>
> After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
>
> "What the hell is BELL 4?"
>asked the husband?
>
>
>
>
> "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied
"YOU'RE
>NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 710
Likes: 4
From: Florida
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line ....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line ....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Last edited by Bluejay; Jun 11, 2011 at 10:45 AM. Reason: language
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,065
Likes: 0
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside around the plant and without even slowing down they drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before nor since. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside around the plant and without even slowing down they drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before nor since. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
Thread Starter
|
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,512
Likes: 1
From: >wwOwww<
Thread Starter
|
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,512
Likes: 1
From: >wwOwww<
Global Moderator &
Senior Member
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 26,080
Likes: 84
From: Burleson/Athens/Brownsboro, TX
Public school teacher arrested
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another 'Nobel Prize' will follow.
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another 'Nobel Prize' will follow.
__________________
Jim
Jim
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,068
Likes: 2
From: So. Cal.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another 'Nobel Prize' will follow.