The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late,
so she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that
will help you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and
tossed her the diet pills!

......almost got me killed!

 

Confusion:
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

Native American names:

So the chief of the tribe names all the children after they are born, and a kid wants to know how he got the other kids names. So the chief says after i delivered Running Deer, i stepped out and saw deer running, that is how i named him. Then after i delivered Singing Bird, i stepped out and heard birds singing. When i delivered Summer Breeze, i stepped out and felt the summer breeze. "Oh, Ok." goes the little native american boy, then the chief asked, "why do you ask, Screwing Dogs?"

 

I just bet they wouldn't have even had to ask!

 

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf ***** and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde
Kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf *****."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

 

Good ones for sure, lol.

 

Only in America - Dispute Between Neighbors - this is a true story....


A city councilman in Utah , Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east
mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built
a new home.

The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark
Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced
the lower roof line ordinance.


The new neighbor had to drop the roof line, at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city, and informed them that his new
neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home...

Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.

When they went to Mark ' s home to see what the vents looked like, this is
what they found...

The City Council said the vents can stay since there is no ordinances
referring to shutter design.

 

On Saturday afternoon, Dave was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his
wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she
came over and shouted at him, "You should be hung!"
He took a drink from his bottle of Shiner, wiped the cold foam from his lips, lifted his darkened
Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosey *** neighbor and then
calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

 

The wife left a note on the fridge.........





"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Mom’s!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was still cold.


What the hell is she talking about?

 

So, this american indian walks into a bar with a bag of ****, shotgun, and a cat. He walks up and asks for a bottle of whiskey. When it is served he downs it in one massive gulp, then throws the bag of **** in the air, shoots it, then finally takes a bite out of the cat. Shaken, the bartender asks why he did that. The american indian replies, "I want to be like a white man, get drunk shoot the ****, and eat *****."

 

Cops have a way with words!

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

An oldie but worth a repost:

My Top 10 Country Western Songs:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is:

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My *** All Day.

 

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No needles! I hate needles,” the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!”

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills.”

The Dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn’t,” said the Dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.”