This way they will all be here when someone needs a laugh.
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A yankee tourist from Binghamton , New York was hiking through the mountains
of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his
life.
Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' he asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the tourist.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother here? No, she left before I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the city slicker, 'are you never together as a family?'
Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the
outhouse!'

 

The last time I participated in a joke thread I was expelled for a few days, so I think I will just be reading this time.

 

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity. If only you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

 

Voted best joke in Australia !!

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

 

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road ?' I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

 

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she
yells: "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel
like a woman! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his
shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt and whispers,..."Iron this."

 

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

 

Is anybody opposed to dead baby jokes?

 

If you have to ask before you post, it's probably a no-no

 

no, but regardless dont risk it.

 

not opposed at all....

subscribing, cause i have a real good one

 

i can appreciate a good dead baby joke

dunno if RP would tho haha

 

Sounds like good advice.

 

Float......Two scoops of ice cream and a ...... I'm bad. You have probably heard that one.