I suppose ethenticity jokes are out of the question huh?


Let me go find my flea joke

***edit***

I posted this a few months ago so some may have already read it.

The Flea and the Stewardess

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this real cool flea.

Every winter he goes down to South Beach for winter.

This one day while he was laying on the beach, he noticed this other flea walking down the beach beat to hell. The real cool flea says to him "Hey dude, what happened to you?".

The badly beaten and bruised flea replies," Oh man, this year I caught a ride on the front of a Peterbilt and it tore the living sh*t out of me"

The cool flea responds " Here's what you do man, I do it every year. You make your way to the airport. You go in to the ladies restroom. You wait for a good lookin' stewardess (I know, that's not politically correct, it's flight attendant) to come in, she sits down, you jump on, BAM!!! First class ride in style, I do it every year".

The less for the weary flea says"Cool, I'll try that next year".

Next year rolls around and the cool flea is on the beach checkin' out all the babe fleas when he sees this flea beaten to crap staggering down the beach. He says"Hey! Your the flea I met last year. What happened to you?"

The barley alive flea says to him with his last ounces of energy " You son of a beech!!! I did exactly what you said! I went to the airport, I went into the ladies restroom. This beautiful stewardess comes in, sits down, I jump on. BAM, the next thing ya' know I'm in a guys mustache on a Harley Davidson!!!"

 

How do you fit 1000 ____ ____ into a phone booth?



A Blender




How do you get them out?





Tortilla chips.

 

^^BAHAHAHAHAHA never heard that one

 

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the
party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and
BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing it in
the ey es with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,
biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some
kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime
store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

 

OLD LOVE

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the
kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it
comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more
times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece
of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up
your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

 

An old cowboy sat down at the local coffee shop and ordered a cup
of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat
down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are
you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole
life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn,
fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess
I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think
about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems
that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

 

I figured out I'm a lesbian too.

 

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks"
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000. " The father says, "That's terribl e to overcharge your friends like tha t. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to churc h and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

 

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup o f coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have gotten out today.'

 

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree,
and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.Twenty minutes later,
a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?
The blonde said it was hers 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry
'cause I fed her this mornin.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand.
Your dog wants to have sex!'
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead, long as no one is watching.

I always wanted a police dog.

 

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that the prostitutes
there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I
want to see how you live on $800 a year."

 

 

I missed this one. I still tremble when I see your name
Payback's gonna be a b1tch huh?

 

Indian and His Buffalo

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand; one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter.

' Want coffee .'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day. '