i've received this before. But maybe some haven't seen it

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red- faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said,
'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim
didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give
me $200.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He
came by the office this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd
stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'


Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 

^ Pretty slick cat

 

I don't remember where I read this so if it was in this thread........

Guts or *****...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or *****, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

***** - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the ***** to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

If not death it will clear something up for you.
My first wife didn't find it funny at all.

 

The Night Of April 1st.

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 71 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me...

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence
Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good.. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well,
by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence
Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He
just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
And that's when I shot him ............ the little bastard..
_______________________________

 

New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.


It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze,
you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back,
relax with a cold beer and when she has the board in the right place,
just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine,
you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.
After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun,
the wife will not ask you build or fix anything else again.

 

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.

He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

 

Dear President Obama,

Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments.
You know the one's down the street who in the good times
purchased their house for no money down, refinanced it
several times, then bought SUV's, ATV's, RV's, a pool,
a big screen plasma TV, two Wave Runners, a boat, and a Harley.
I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs,
could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

Signed:
"Concerned in TX"

P. S. They also need help with their credit cards.
When do you want me to start making those payments?

P. P. S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax
return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be
appointing them to cabinet posts?

 

The Ohio Highway Patrol are cracking down on speeders heading towards and into the city of Cleveland .
For the first offense, they give you two Cleveland Browns tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns .

Q. What do the Cleveland Browns and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ . '

Q. How do you keep a Cleveland Brown out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Cleveland Browns and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Cleveland Browns does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Browns and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

 

Members of Congress should be compelled to
wear uniforms just like NASCAR drivers
so we could identify their corporate sponsors.


Author unknown

 

Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'


Larry the Cable Guy

 

Pfizer Announcement
>
> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
> form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
> use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
> a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
> gives new meaning to the names of '****tails', 'highballs' and just a good
> old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
> name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
> on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
> that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky ***** and
> huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
>

 

Funny stuff

 

THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly be autiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange j uice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ......but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?' He said, "....Screw him .........give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, '....But the breakfast was my idea.

 

ahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahh ahahahahahaha thats a good one