How about a new joke thread, post'em up.
Hi Sue, Just another
> note from your bottom-dwelling
> brother.
>
> Last week I had a bad
> day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
> lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with
> you to make you realize it's not so bad after
> all.
>
> Before I can tell you
> what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
> technicalities of my job.
>
> As you know, my office
> lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
> It's a wet suit.. This time of year the water is quite
> cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
> powered industrial water heater.
>
> This $20,000 piece of
> equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
> delightful temperature.
>
> It then pumps it down
> to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the
> air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and
> I've used it several times with no
> complaints.
>
> What I do, when I get
> to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff
> it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit
> with warm water. It's like working in a
> Jacuzzi.
>
> Everything was going
> well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of
> course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within
> a few seconds my butt started to
> burn.
>
> I pulled the hose out
> from my back, but the damage was
> done.
>
> In agony I realized
> what had happened.
>
> The hot water machine
> had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
> since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
> couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was
> not as fortunate.
>
> When I scratched what
> I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish
> into the crack of my butt.
>
> I informed the dive
> supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
> instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along
> with five other divers, were all laughing
> hysterically.
>
> Needless to say I
> aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing
> in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
> before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
> decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing
> nothing but my brass helmet.
>
> As I climbed out of
> the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down
> his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on
> my butt as soon as I got in the chamber..
>
> The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop
> for two days because my butt was swollen
> shut.
>
> So, next time
> you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
> worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
> butt.
>
> Now repeat to
> yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my
> job.'
>
> Whenever you have a
> bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad
> day?
>
> May you NEVER have a
> jellyfish bad day.
> note from your bottom-dwelling
> brother.
>
> Last week I had a bad
> day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
> lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with
> you to make you realize it's not so bad after
> all.
>
> Before I can tell you
> what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
> technicalities of my job.
>
> As you know, my office
> lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
> It's a wet suit.. This time of year the water is quite
> cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
> powered industrial water heater.
>
> This $20,000 piece of
> equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
> delightful temperature.
>
> It then pumps it down
> to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the
> air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and
> I've used it several times with no
> complaints.
>
> What I do, when I get
> to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff
> it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit
> with warm water. It's like working in a
> Jacuzzi.
>
> Everything was going
> well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of
> course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within
> a few seconds my butt started to
> burn.
>
> I pulled the hose out
> from my back, but the damage was
> done.
>
> In agony I realized
> what had happened.
>
> The hot water machine
> had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
> since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
> couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was
> not as fortunate.
>
> When I scratched what
> I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish
> into the crack of my butt.
>
> I informed the dive
> supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
> instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along
> with five other divers, were all laughing
> hysterically.
>
> Needless to say I
> aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing
> in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
> before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
> decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing
> nothing but my brass helmet.
>
> As I climbed out of
> the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down
> his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on
> my butt as soon as I got in the chamber..
>
> The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop
> for two days because my butt was swollen
> shut.
>
> So, next time
> you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
> worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
> butt.
>
> Now repeat to
> yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my
> job.'
>
> Whenever you have a
> bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad
> day?
>
> May you NEVER have a
> jellyfish bad day.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,869
Likes: 0
From: N.E. Ohio
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2... My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it"
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2... My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it"
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Thread Starter
|
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,512
Likes: 1
From: >wwOwww<
It's another old one, but I think it's worthy
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,A rubber glove And a beer ..
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for ?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . .. . . ..
Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,A rubber glove And a beer ..
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for ?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . .. . . ..
Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,869
Likes: 0
From: N.E. Ohio
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,A rubber glove And a beer ..
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for ?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . .. . . ..
Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,A rubber glove And a beer ..
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for ?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . .. . . ..
Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 217
Likes: 0
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my weewee to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my weewee to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 217
Likes: 0
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 217
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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left ********."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right ******** tied to bedpost."
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left ********."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right ******** tied to bedpost."
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 217
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A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 217
Likes: 0
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,273
Likes: 2
From: Bronco Country
Every day the same guy walks in to the barber shop, during peak buisness hours and asks how long the wait is.
"About two hours" says the barber.
"Ok thanks" says the guy as he walks off.
This goes on for a couple of weeks before the barber asks one of his employees to follow him when he leves.
The next time the guy comes in, asks about the wait and leaves. Employee follows him. A little while later he comes back to work laughing histerically.
"So, where did he go?" asks that barber,
"To your house!" replies the worker.
"About two hours" says the barber.
"Ok thanks" says the guy as he walks off.
This goes on for a couple of weeks before the barber asks one of his employees to follow him when he leves.
The next time the guy comes in, asks about the wait and leaves. Employee follows him. A little while later he comes back to work laughing histerically.
"So, where did he go?" asks that barber,
"To your house!" replies the worker.
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 217
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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."