A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 

LETTER FROM AN EXCELLENT BOSS


Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.


THE BOSS

 

That one is awesome

 

Heard this one the other day.

A son sends his dad a parrot for a birthday gift. A few days later he called his dad to see how he liked the gift. He said, "Dad how did you like the parrot I sent you?" Dad says, "It was delicious" Son says Dad...you weren't supposed to EAT it. that was an expensive bird. that parrot spoke 6 different languages." His dad says, "he should have said something."

 

Got this the other day in an email:

Man and wife are in bed following lovemaking. The wife was enjoying her after lovemaking ritual which was playing with her husbands *********. He asked her why she enjoyed doing that so much and she replied, "because I miss mine."

 

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstair s.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog
is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like
it!

 

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then
I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000 for these implants.

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to
get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger

 

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the tail
pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to
roll up the windows first.'

 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I
have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!

 

The Rancher

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house more than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed
and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

 

That was a good one

 

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

She grew terrific D-cup *****! One morning she was running late, got on the
bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely ***** if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes
and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr.
Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory ****ory dock...

 

what did the sushi chef say to the bee?

WAS AH BEE!?

 

 

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Chiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats