A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a guy knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

The guy says 'About a gallon.'

 

the one above me is freaking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them
back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back
to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo *****."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins,
and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS. ....And about once a year, they send us a little ***** like you."

 

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one

evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request

to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling,

Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married for 70 years &

clearly, they were still very much in love.



While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host

saying, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still

call your wife those loving pet names."



The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the truth," he said.

"Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago & I'm scared to death to

ask the old bitch what it is."

 

 

Little boy at the beach...



Little boy at the nude beach. THIS IS PRICELESS... ..

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have ***** bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

 

^^^^^^^^

 

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
Of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ***-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

 

edit

 

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.



Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.


'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.


He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.


Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a20soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

> A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was
> awful, and
> things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by
> lightning.
>
>
> One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of
> the plane
> and screamed, "I'm too young to die,"
> she cried. Then she yelled,
>
> "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
> earth to be memorable!
>
>
> Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
> woman?"
>
> For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the
> desperate woman in the front of the plane.
>
> Then a man from N.E Ohio ()stood up in the rear of the plane.
>
> He was handsome, tall, well built,
>
> about 20 years old with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
>
>
> Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his
> shirt as he
> went,
>
> one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
>
>
> Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
>
>
>
>
>
> Then, he spoke...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Iron this -- and then get me a beer

 

A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old
blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, Boy...................go gitcha momma'

 

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the Southern sky, don't worry.

It's not thunder.

It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.

 

:devi: man do I love this thread!

 

Bubba and Cooter's sure fire pick up lines

1) Didja fart? cuz you jist blew me away.

2) Is yer parents re-tarded? cuz ya shore are special.

3) Mah love fer you is like diarrhea. Ah jist cain't hold it in.

4) Do ya have a library card? cuz Ah'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz Ah kin see myself in 'em.

6) You might not be the best lookin' wo-man here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) Ah know Ah'm not no Fred Flintstone, but Ah bet Ah kin make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench ... every time Ah think of it, mah nuts tighten up.