Are you joking or serious? Just in case you are serious, it should be interrpreted that I traded my wife for a set of new golf clubs. Whew!

 

Now I'm really laughing 'cause I seriously didn't get it. What can I say, I'm a little slow

 

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to
have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you
get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this **** but
me."

 

what do u call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese

 

hehe. we need more!

 

Q: How do you visually tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
A: When you see the bear, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, it's a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it's a grizzly bear.

 

Advise Letter:


Dear John

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?


Sincerely, Sheila


Response:


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
John

 

I love that one

 

Life summarized in bottles



Crap, on the second to last already.

 

A Soviet has saved up his money to buy a car. He goes down to the dealership and says to the salesman "I want that one!"

"The car will arrive in seven years." the salesman replies.

"Will it come in the morning or the afternoon?" the man asks.

"What difference does it make?" queries the salesman.

The man says back, "the plumber is coming in the morning."

 

couple east german communists jokes

The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."

How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank!

A West German businessman is driving a Mercedes through East Germany on a rainy night when his windshield wipers stop working. He takes it to an East German mechanic, who tells him there are no Mercedes windshield wiper motors in the GDR, but he will do his best to fix it. When the businessman returns the next day, to his surprise the windshield wipers are working perfectly. "How did you find a Mercedes windshield wiper motor in the East?" he asks the mechanic. "We didn't," replies the mechanic, "We used the engine motor of a Trabant."

 

Must need to be german to understand, cuz I dun get it.

 

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just

heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.

 

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were hiking in the desert.
The brunette says,"I brought plenty of water, so we won't get thirsty.
The redhead says,"I brought plenty of food, so we won't go hungry.
The blonde says," I brought a car door, so if we get hot, we can roll the window down".