A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk.

He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path.

A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street.

The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away.

The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road.

The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officer's amazement - the guy was stone cold sober.

"I can't believe it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???"

"Oh that's easy", replies the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

 

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf ***** off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful
time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me
to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks Really is charming. Again asked me
to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1,600 lives.
Twice.

 

 

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.






An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

 

Some dogs seem to be that smart. Good one!

 

Sorry if this affends you, I thought it was funny so I will share.

" I will no longer be telling racist jokes, cause racism is a crime and crime is for black people "

My friend sent me it, and he is black.

 

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
Into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
In a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
As he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at the
Playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
Back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss and then he helped
Her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mummy cut him off and said "Johnny this is such an
Interesting story. Lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see
The look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his
Story. Johnny started his story. "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
Was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off then Aunt Jane and Daddy
Started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was away on the rigs."
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
Before you interrupt!

 

Good one Randall!

 

Stevie Wonder plays a 3 hour set in Tokyo. At the end he asks are there any requests? and a little japanese guy at the front shouts "Play a jazz chord"
So Stevie plays 15minutes of the best Harlem Jazz. Then the little Japanese guy shouts again, "Play a jazz chord"

So Stevie says " If you can do better you get up here an play, so the little japanese guy gets on stage, sits at the piano picks up the mic and sings.................................













I JAZZ CHORD TO SAY I RUV YOUUUUU!!!!

 

Curtis & Roy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS.
and bought a mule for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.


The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."


Curtis & Roy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."


The farmer said, "Can't do that.
I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."


The farmer asked,
"What in the world ya'll gonna
do with a dead mule?"


Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."


The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"


Roy said, "We shore can!
Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Roy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,
"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."


Roy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."


The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"


Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Roy now work for the government.


They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office One in prison. Illinois already does this!

 

I thought it was funny and especially liked the fact that a black person sent it to you. Some people have way to thin a skin. I've always said... Learn to laugh at yourself, If you don't, somebody will do it for you.

 

Truer words were never spoken!

 

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO..
It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks,
'Mind if I take a look inside ?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it , and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the
Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,
He gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'

The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror

 

^^^thys^^^

 

Carlos Dunlap, LOLOLOLOLOLOL

It's not exactly a joke, but funny none the less!

Roll Tide!