^^^

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees .

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond.' Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

 

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "******* off, you won't bring it back."

 

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

 

VERY IMPORTANT!!! NO KIDDIN'... READ BELOW!!!
If you receive an e-mail with the heading "naked pics of Sarah Palin"... do not open! It contains a virus.
If you receive an e-mail with the heading "naked pics of Hillary Clinton"... do not open! It contains naked pictures of Hillary Clinton

 

I came home after my regular Saturday golf game and my wife asks why I don't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.

I ask, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"

"Of course I wouldn't," she replies.

"Well," I said, "Neither would Tom O'Brien."

 

Females are like telephones....


they need to be held
they need to be talked to
they need to be heard



but, push the wrong dang button, and you disconneted.

 

A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegal grown marijuana.'

The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,

"See this badge"!? "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…on any land". "No questions asked or answers given". "Have I made myself clear!!??" "Do you understand!!??"

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is the a huge breeder bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his **** fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge! Show him your *******ing badge!"

 

damn, not even a page apart

 

They are different. One was a DEA officer, the other a deputy!

 

Some people huh? Wish these morons would read a little bit before they post, don't you agree?

 

 

They are different. One was a deputy, the other a DEA officer!!

 

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker.. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !