A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .. I am
not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Canada."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

Just think, if the Indians had given the Pilgrams a donkey instead of a turkey we'd all be eating azz today

Happy Thanksgiviing

 

Tetanus Shot


An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
From the couch then starts putting on his coat. His
wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
"Where are you going?"


He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."


She says, "Why, are you sick?"


He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff."


Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put On
her coat.


He says, "Where the heck are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."


He says, "Why, what do you need?"


She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."

 

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says,
'Don't you see the sign. It says private property, stay out.'
The golfer says: 'I am sorry, I did not see it.
That is my ball there, may I have it?'
The man says: 'It's in my yard, so it is my ball now.'
The golfer looks at the man and says: 'I understand.'
He takes another golf ball and throws it in the yard.
The man says: 'What is that for?'
The golfer says: 'I'm a gentleman.'
Every ***** should have two *****.

 

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.





A MAN'S POEM:


I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big ***** who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking... This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

 

How you been?

 

Be careful with these, but when it’s safe, laugh as though no one can hear you….

My bitter half...….
Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband --- "Miss" for one hour ... and "Stress" for the rest of 23 hours!

The are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman --- Before marriage and After marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences --- He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet --- Those waiting Outside are Desperate to get in & those Inside are Desperate to come out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your House And Car.

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the Exact Words that were used to put the Curse on you. The man says without hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords on Google 'How to Tackle Wife ? Google search result: "Still Searching".

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From another room Wife called the Husband: "Honey, what are you doing…?" Husband: "MISSING YOU"…

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." The Rabbi calls after a while and says, "Well, I spoke to her for 3 hours. You want my advice?" The man said "Yes". The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison".

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to and touched often. But push the wrong button and you're disconnected...…

Difference Between Complete & Finish ... People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... Wen you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

 

Liberals are a lot like Christmas lights. They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't all that bright. ;-p

 

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of ***** are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of *****: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of '*******' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his ***** is like an oak tree: mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch: flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the ***** are just for decoration.


regards

 

 

TRUE STORY
A Marine deployed to Afganistan gets a letter from his girlfriend telling him that she had slept with two other guys since he left and doesnt want to be with him anymore. She also wanted her pictures back. So he goes around the camp collectin up other unwanted photos of cheating girlfriends, some clothed and some not, and sends them to her with a note saying "I dont remember which one you are so pick out your photos and send the rest back!"

 

^

 

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:


1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.





And now, the honorable mentions:


2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also
lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.





3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.





4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.





5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.





6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]





7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.





8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, “Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."





9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast...
The frustrated gunman walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]





10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged
his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The
owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!




In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends
and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a
distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are
distant and hope they remain lost.





*** Remember....


They walk among us, they can reproduce and they VOTE!!!

 

Oh someone clean the gene pool.

 

rofl