A woman from Los Angeles , CA , who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

 

"How To Stop A Church Gossip"


Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.


She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..



Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... .and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)

 

 

Traffic Camera




I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.


Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.


Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.


I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.


Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


You can't fix stupid.

 

I've got two big time jokes.
Everyone ready to hear them?

Dodge and GMC.

 

Repeat??

A successful Saskatchewan
rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into
Swift Current and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with
a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he
did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired.'

 

^^^Maybe. I have seen it before, but I'm sure not going to look for it.

 

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.


When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"


The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

 

That's a new one!

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman


"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?", persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .


"What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"





And you thought all along this was going to be a “duck” joke.

 

This is an actual conversation heard years ago in Munich, Germany: (for clarity reasons, English is the standard aviation language)

Lufthansa 747 (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Munich Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa 747 (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why
must I speak English?"

Unknown British Airways aircraft (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

 

Another one:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

 

BP is finally going to let the automakers produce a car that will use water for fuel.

The only catch is BP is only going to let those cars use the water from the Gulf of Mexico!

 

I'll bet Mythbusters is already running that soup in deisels