Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the
counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and
whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"



------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

Cop on Horseback
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."

The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the pri%^$ underneath the horse, instead of
on top."

 

A mother is with her 5 year old boy at the zoo when they reach the elephant cage.

The 5 year old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says to his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The mom replies "That's his trunk". The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."

The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail". The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that
big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."

The mother, wanting to avoid this subject at all costs, just says "Oh, that's nothing"
and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The dad replies, "That's his trunk." "No,
behind that!" says the kid. "Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father. "NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.

The father replies, "Son, that's the elephant's *****." The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."

The dad replied, "Well son, your mom's been spoiled."

 

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control!

This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"
replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin."Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.

 

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".

"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."



------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh crap,' cuckooed twice, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 4 times, giggled, cuckooed three more times and then farted.

------------------
'99 F-250 LD 5.4L SC XLT 2WD 3.73LS in White/Silver (w/ EVERYTHING 'cept leather and engine block heater) --
Drivetrain Mods: SuperChip FlipChip, K&N filter w/ 3" Induction Tube Airbox Mod., IAS shocks, Flowmaster-70 3" cat-back exhaust, Mobil 1, & Bosch +4 plugs
Other Mods: SnugTop Hi-Liner & carpet kit, Donnelly electrochromatic/compass mirror, & SuperWhite 9007 bulbs
More mods to come... (Westin side bars, electric fan, and silver fender/wheel flares are next)

http://hometown.aol.com/jimorama/myh...ollection.html

 

After having their 11th child, a Shovie driver decided that was enough (could't afford a double-wide), so he went to his country doctor who also treated mules. The doctor told him there was a procedure that could fix the problem of having too many kids.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Shovie driver said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.”

So, the couple drove to another country doctor to get a second opinion. The second physician told the Shovie driver the same thing: to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the Shovie driver went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . “, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other
hand...


------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

A Shovie driver returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It’s a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!”

“Oh my gosh,” cried the Shovie driver, “What are you going to do, doctor?” “Well we’re going to put you on a "Tripple P" diet: pizzas, pancakes and pita bread.”

“Will that cure me???” asked the Shovie driver. The doctor replied, “Well, no, but it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under your door.”


------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

What you always thought or knew, confirmed:
______________________

After a two-year study, the National Science Foundation today announced the following results concerning corporate America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle managers is tennis.
6. The sport of choice for senior executives is golf.

The study's conclusion: The higher you rise in the bureaucratic structure, the smaller the *****.


------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

Come on, readers. Help me out here! Pass on some humour. Why not make a positive contribution and brighten someone's day?

To you regular contributors, keep it up!

------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!




[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 02-23-2000).]

 

A Shovie driver's wife from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her pickup broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop and a “YeeeeHaaaa” so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, “YeeeeHaaa!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.

“Nothing, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off,” replied the woman.

“Lady,” the attendant said, “That Indian was riding bareback.”


------------------
Black 2000 SC XLT short-box. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 Limited Slip. Side steps, CD, remote entry, FORD box liner. Add-ons: Older Windstar driver's side wiper blade (with the air scoop, because I don't slow down when it rains), back-up beeper, "f150online.com" sticker and snazzy Tweetie Bird floor mats.

My third F-series: '73 F-100, '98 F-150 and '00 F-150. Great trucks!

 

One day a FORD Driver went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I
am the pharmacist," she informed him. "Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.
"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't
heard, so what is your problem?"
"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I ********** or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?"
"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man,
I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is
$600 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

 

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied,
"she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly -
I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

 

Polly don’t want crackers

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."