seen so many of these I forget which ones were posted...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR

 

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

 

Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today....My doctor says I suffer from **** Glaucoma."

Boss........"**** Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee..."It's when I just can't see my *** coming to work!"

 

Wow, been a while since I posted a joke here...only 96 more and we can put this thread to sleep.

Bob was always hearing from his wife how he never said "I love you" or did anything special for her. One day as he was passing a tattoo parlor, it hit him - "I'll get a tattoo for her".

Bob discussed this with the tattoo artist. He decided he'd kill two birds with one stone so he had "I Love You" tattoo'd across his love thing.

When Bob got home he was very eager to show his wife. When she again starting to give him the routine of never saying I love you or doing something special he was quick to react.

Bob quickly pulled out his love thing as proud as can be only to hear his wife moan,

"Great, just great!"

"First you want to try and tell me how to cook and clean"

"Next you want to try and tell me how to dress"

"Now you want to try and put words in my mouth!"

 

The worst airline disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon.

Rescue workers have so far uncovered 826 bodies and expect to find more as the digging continues.

 

This is for Burt...

The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

After a month of testing, special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.

*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side.

 

It has happened...

The new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now.

Internet surfing will be tracked by the FBI with a non-intrusive method. The FBI says you will not notice anything different.

For a demonstration - Click on the link below...


http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes

 

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John.

John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

 

wow...those are great JD....keep 'em coming!

 

Walking into the bar, Henry said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Henry replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you little chickensh@t.'"

 

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file
folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice
any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office The
detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face!" Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

 

The World's Thinnest Books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson


1. And the World's Number One Shortest book:
MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

The award-winning, best bumper sticker for 2004

POLITICIANS & DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED
FOR THE SAME REASON

 

Use your left mouse button. This can become addictive


http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

 

A Rabbit's Tail/Tale


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying at the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?


"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the dead rabbit,
bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again;

he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves and repeats this again and
again, until he hops off out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that he can read the label.
It says..... (Are you ready for this?)

Are you sure? You could just click off right now and not read
the punch line (You know you're gonna be sorry).







It says...


Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair;

Adds permanent wave.